So to update you on our progress– in the last month and a half we have completed a home study and we are currently inquiring on sibling groups whose parental rights have been terminated.  And for your information, we don’t take this lightly in the least.  The last three years I have been reading, listening, learning, and reading some more. And in the last three months I have been doing an in-depth study on transracial adoption, trauma, and impact of adopting older children.

We’ve been in this process for quite some time. Approximately almost three years. Do we know it all?  Not even close.  That’s what we’ve learned the most.  We still have a lifetime of learning to do.  But what we have learned is that love is not enough.  We need a village for our children and that is where your help comes in.  We need you. We need you far more than you know.

Here are some of the fundamental ways that you can help to prepare for our upcoming adoption:

• Please start to check your own biases.I know how hard this can be. Self-reflection is incredibly difficult and unbelievably painful.  But stop for a second and recognize just how painful your lack of awareness can be for other people, for our future children.  There are so many incredible resources that are out there to help you with this.  One of my favorites is So You Want to Talk About Race?by Ijeoma Oluo.
• Acknowledge that my future children are not the lucky ones. The reasons that my future children are coming to me are pretty complicated.  It is wrapped up in many complicated, societal, and systemic reasons and Eli and I are both profoundly aware of this.  We are not “amazing people” for adopting them. We are being brought together in the right sense due to “unfortunate circumstances”.  And in all honesty we are the fortunate ones to possibly be blessed with some amazing and beautiful children that will teach us so much.
• Please take time to “grieve” what you thought our family would look like. There is no shame in that.  We are content and happy with where we are, whether or not you understand that. We’ve educated ourselves and reflected far beyond what you can imagine and we’ve never been more sure that this is where we are supposed to be.  But we do understand that you may not be there yet in regards to what our family may look like.  That is okay. Please take time to work through that grief.  Feel free to ask questions and acknowledge that you aren’t sure how to process it. Again, it takes a village to raise a child/children, and we need you.
• Start to inform yourself on how adoption and trauma can and will impact children. In my eyes, because it will be no different, my children’s experiences will be “normal”.  However, being adopted and having experienced the trauma that goes with that and possible past experiences is anything but “normal”.  Please start to read up on how trauma impacts children.  Not only will it help you with being around our future children, but it will give you a new outlook on working with children in general. There are so many amazing resources out there.
  • The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Traumaby Bessel Van Der Kolk
  • Beyond Consequences by Heather Forbes
  • The Connected Child by Karyn B. Purvis
  • The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier

The bottom line is this—it’s not like having a biological child.  We need ourselves and all of you to be more intentional than ever.  And we completely understand that that is a lot to ask. But we can tell you this…the relationship between friends and family is pretty simplex—they show up when you need them to even if you don’t always know how.

~Chelsea