Alright let’s just get this out of the way immediately.  There is only one thing I want for Christmas this year, and it’s not my two front teeth.  Can you guess what it is?  It can be little or big.  It can be loud or it can be quiet.  It can be sure or unsure of itself at times.

I bet you guessed it already.  It’s DIRECTION!  With a capital D.

J.R.R. Tolkien said, “Not all who wander are lost.”  I love me some Tolkien, but guess what, I am wandering, and I feel pretty lost right now.  Notice I didn’t say wavering. I said wandering-huge difference there. My resolve has never been stronger that adoption is the right choice.

You see, I have a purpose, but I need a direction.  I know adoption is my purpose.  I couldn’t be surer that this is the right choice.  I know I need that in my life.  We are open to so much and maybe that’s the problem.  Whatever adoption looks like in our lives, we are open to it all- whether that’s a private agency, public agency, older child, an infant, siblings, and different ethnicities.  Maybe that openness leads to a lack of direction…but isn’t the ability to love any child who will eventually be ours a good thing?  How is that for simplexity?

So maybe I’m searching too hard.  Maybe I’m looking to find a unique, profound and tangible direction we are supposed to go in.  Maybe that will never happen.  Maybe it’s possible I need to change my way of thinking of things and instead seek to discover the area of adoption that makes me feel most alive and is the right path for us.   Something that makes me feel like things are moving forward.  I just want the direction to become clear.  I am struggling with knowing exactly what route to go down.  There are just so many choices and all of those have the potential of being the right choice. It’s probably a feeling that I’m searching for.  I’m just unaware if that feeling will be crystal clear for us. The realization of this thought seems like a tough pill to swallow.  How does that happen in one’s life?  How do I work towards a tangible goal using a feeling to get there?

There are a lot of great quotes out there about direction in one’s life: “Follow your bliss”, “Wherever you go there you are” (okay that one is just dumb), “Our thoughts create our reality-where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go” Unfortunately none of them seem apply to me.  It’s just more complex than that…

~Eli