A Christmas Story, too much food and sweets, new pajamas, great family and friends, and the Savior’s birthday. The holidays are such a simple and fun time. But wait, they can be pretty complicated and complex, too, right?

Eli and I love the holidays. Eli particularly. He loves the hustle and bustle, the decorations, the time for giving. Sharing our love. Sharing in the Christmas spirit. We love this time and so do so many people. The interesting thing as we venture down the road of adoption is how the very times that we adore can become so hard. Sounds weird, huh?

This is the holidays through the eyes of us as hopeful adoptive parents (HAPs). During the first year of waiting, the holidays mark the time that we will most definitely have our forever family (this is exactly what we thought last year—that 2016 would bring us our forever family). We picture what the holidays will look like with our “new” family. And when that time comes, and there is no “new” family it becomes another loss. Another deadline that has been missed.

But that’s not all. It’s also such a wonderful and beautiful time of sharing. A time for people to share the things they are grateful and excited for. It is a time to show off your beautiful family in holiday photos. A time to announce the gender of that beautiful baby you’ve been carrying. A time to announce a pregnancy that you couldn’t be more thrilled for. And we love hearing those announcements. We love hearing about those things, and we want to be present for all the excitement and things you feel blessed for during this great season of giving. However, it becomes a constant reminder of what we’re waiting for. Patiently. Hopefully.

And knowing that even when we are so graciously granted the amazing opportunity to raise a child that was given birth by another woman, our family will always be different. There will always be a certain amount of loss there. Not just for us but for the entire adoption triad (adoptive parents, child, and birth family). This profound loss for all involved is really exemplified during the holiday season. A time where we reflect on the things we are so grateful for and look forward to the new year.

So as Eli and I partake in the holiday festivities this year, we do so with a much different perspective. The holidays are a little more difficult. We are a little more fragile. But we are more grateful and truly blessed than ever before. Patience, humility and grace are difficult lessons to learn but we are learning each and every day.

Merry Christmas. Such a simple phrase, but the meaning and emotions behind are much more complex.