August 18, 2007, I had the absolute privilege of marrying my very best friend. Eleven
years ago tomorrow Eli and I were married on the very camp that he worked at and still currently works at and that we live year-round. We got married the very day that summer camp ended. I still remember the room that I got ready in being strewn with the remnants of the summer camp adventures that had taken place there. That summer of 2007 was a dry one. And the “drought” decided to break its streak on the morning of our wedding.

It rained.

And rained.

And rained some more.

And not a bit of that mattered because as I walked down the aisle to “Collide” (Yeah, that’s right. A Howie Day classic) I was marrying my best friend.

Eleven years. It’s been incredible. See many people will tell you that marriage can be hard. That it takes a lot of work. That you have to trust your partner. And all those things are true. But it’s not that hard when you’ve married your best friend. Have we gone through our fair share of tough times? Damn right. Our vows have reigned true—“In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer…”. But I’ll tell you one thing. We’ve laughed, and occasionally danced (in the kitchen), a ton more than we’ve cried.

So how does this relate to our adoption journey? Our journey to adopt has been absolutely and utterly awesome. Incredible. Eye opening. Humbling. And I’m so happy that it’s one of the amazing things I get to add onto the story of Eli and Chelsea. Because it’s a pretty incredible one.

So tomorrow, we won’t be doing much celebrating. Remember, it’s the last day of camp—just like it was eleven years ago. He will be busy sending kiddos home from their amazing week, cleaning things up, talking to staff, and attending a very well-deserved staff banquet to witness just how far his staff have come this summer.

So as the camp bugle blows one last triumphant round of taps tonight at dusk the sound leads us into the fall. Which for us will see us continuing to thrive in our marriage and bring us one step closer to our future family.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

I feel fully empowered, but as I continue to walk this fine line of womanhood and motherhood it never ceases to amaze me how much societal pressure likes to put us into clean cut and easy categories.

I’ve hit a realization recently that I never really “cared”—and I use that term loosely—to “bear” a child. And I know that’s really difficult for some of you to believe. But honestly, biological children or raising a child from infancy has never really “meant” all that much to me even prior to two miscarriages (I know that may seem shocking). And I don’t mean that to sound dismissive. But you know what has meant a lot to me? The pressure that society has made me feel that my womanhood, my motherhood was contingent on birthing a baby or raising an infant. Now, please, don’t get it twisted or feel bad. I feel completely different now—and 100% happy, thrilled, at peace with where I am now. But let’s face it—even in my 30’s I sometimes feel that societal pressure.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

I currently do not have any children but I already feel the fierce “Mama Bear” protectiveness for my family’s journey and my children’s story. It is this innate maternal instinct and it radiates my body in a way that is truly magical because I have no biology attached to it. What has created it has been the hunger for knowledge, an eye opening awareness even when it’s painful because I know it’s not about me, and a peace that I am exactly where I am supposed to be even though I know that my future children are coming to me in the least “peaceful” way possible.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

Bottom line—I am so at peace right at this moment being a Mama Bear even before motherhood has been chosen for me. And no one has gotten me here except for the grace of God, my faith, and the amazing partnership I have in Eli. Motherhood—it’s pretty simplex when you really think about it.

 

~Chelsea

 

 

 

So the last few days have been a whirlwind. We are currently home study approved. It
feels so good. This is our second home study, but this one felt different. We went in a little wiser, therefore a little more cautious, but we couldn’t be more happy with our social worker, our agency, and where we are. Being the people that we are, we didn’t waste any time when our home study was sent via email to begin the next step of our process.

And we have started the next step, which is starting to build our future family. This involves a lot of privacy and confidentiality. Why you may ask? Well because we are currently in the process of looking at profiles of children, finding out information and histories, and researching. We love sharing our journey to help educate others and to connect with people and are so excited to continue to do so; however, a part of the process that we won’t be “as open” about is anything that involves really disclosing our future children’s “story”. Our future children’s story is just that—their story, and we want to honor that through the entirety of this process.

So what will I tell you? Hmm…well we are farther than we’ve ever been in the process and we know we are exactly where we should be right now. We are humbled, and we are so grateful for our journey. I know many of you wish that we didn’t have to go through the process of changing agencies. Or you feel really bad about how long we’ve waited. Or you just know that we’d be great parents. And we really do appreciate that, but please know we don’t feel bad at all. I don’t wish that anything had been different. This was our process, and by golly, we needed it to get to where we are right now. That isn’t a “rose-colored glasses” statement, but the honest truth. And I’ve only learned that wisdom on patience through this process. As for the wait, I will tell you that this is not considered long in the adoption world. And waiting isn’t bad—it offers time for self-reflection, education, and self-care.

By this point I expect that you have questions…us too! Lots of them. The process is new for us as well.

If you know us, you know we love to answer any questions anyone has. Bearing in mind if it’s about where we are right now in the process fire away. If it’s about the specifics of the specific children we are inquiring on, you are still more than welcome to ask us in person (please not social media); however, please know that if we decline to answer it’s not because you offended us, or that you asked the wrong thing, or did anything wrong. We are just working on protecting our future children’s stories, so that it is their choice to share in the future if they want to. I know it seems pretty simplex; it does to us too. But this is the beautiful, simplex, humbling journey called adoption.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Testing produces steadfastness.

Ever wonder what would happen if you won the lottery? When that number gets crazy high and you go out and buy ‘just that one ticket’- just in case. It’s fun to have those conversations with friends and family about what you would do with that kind of cash.

Would that make your life perfect? Most would have the maturity and life experience to know deep down that wouldn’t equate to a perfect life. So what would?

What would make your life just perfect?

For centuries people have been dreaming up answers to that very question. Many pursue that very life…or spend a lot of time bemoaning the fact they missed it. There are people mature enough to know that the very testing of our ‘perfect life’ produces steadfastness.

This word steadfastness can mean very different things to different people. Some would call it “endurance.” Others would use “perseverance.” Still others call it “patience.” I would call it “everything I could ever want in life.”

I would describe this word as the idea of remaining under; staying put; not wriggling and writhing away from the many points in life that cause pressure.

Our lives are overrun with things that exert pressure. I love my wife, don’t get me wrong, but our marriage can cause stress…just as singleness for many can. I love my job, but managing all of that responsibility is stressful. There can be tensions among family. What about aging? And those are just some of the routine forms of pressure in our lives. There are many things that are unpredictable. Health problems, children in trouble, no children, car trouble, and those seemingly random weeks where everything just seems to go wrong.

The harder the pressure, the more we wish for any way to ‘just be done.’ Bail, quit, flee. But is this what we really want? How does that pressure shape us as people? How do we grow? Good things in our lives often grow through our ability to “remain under” the pressure.

I already know that I have everything that matters in life. My life is “perfect.” It’s complete. I have a good life, great wife, good job, and wonderful people who build me up each day. I don’t want for much. This doesn’t mean I don’t have “pressure”, that my life doesn’t get hard, that there aren’t challenges. There are plenty of those. But my faith gives me the ability to be steady under pressure, confident in the idea of what will happen will happen for a reason.

The best decisions I have made in life are the ones where I stayed bolted in place when I was being pressed down by trials and tribulations and I refused to walk away. You see these moments shape my character to the core. Because when I endure; when I persevere; when I grind out with patience what is required of me to handle those moments…I plan to come out with the very best thing in the world…steadfastness.

And trust me when I say, my adoption will be “perfect.” Just how it’s supposed to be. And I will grow, learn, move, change, mature and my children, my life, and myself will be better off for it.

~Eli

 

 

 

As I type this I’m struggling with the adjectives to use to describe this amazing, heart wrenching, humbling experience we have been on.

As of today, this afternoon actually, we have completed all of the necessary elements to finishing up our home study. Now our social worker will work to write up a 30-40 page document on us, and our home study should be “official” the first or second week of July. We will start the process of inquiring on children around that time.

I can’t believe we are here.

Years ago when we started this journey, and yes, it has been years, I never fathomed that I would know what I know now. That I would feel what I feel now. I am thankful for it, but I now, due to our experiences and the time we’ve waited, understand the gravity of it.

I am eager to build my family. Yes, I think eager is the right word. To say I’m excited feels dismissive of the reasons why my children are coming to me. Think about it. My children are coming to me because their first parents were unable to care for them whether that is due to their choices, lack of resources, or a broken system that doesn’t help out families enough. To say I’m so excited to adopt my children due to these circumstances feels a little wrong. And it is always very important to me to acknowledge and embrace my children’s story.

So to my future children:

• You never need to feel thankful or grateful for us. We are the fortunate ones.
• We will do everything within our power to protect you, whether that be from awkward questions, long stares, derogatory comments, anything.
• Your story is just that—yours. It isn’t anyone else’s business, and we will respect your story.
• Things may not always be easy, and you may be scared when you first come to us, but we will do anything and everything within our power to meet your needs, needs that maybe weren’t always met, and to gain your trust.
• We can take care of and will work through anything you bring. No problem will be too big.
• Our love will be for always and forever.

So friends, family, and followers, as we head down the next leg of this journey we continue to ask for well wishes, support, prayers, and education. We are here to answer questions, and by no means do we expect you to know it all. Now is the time to ask because we are hoping we will be busy, busy, busy creating a family unit with the children that come to us in the near future. It may be simplex, but it is our story.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are living in a day and age where people’s thoughts, opinions, experiences, documentation can be found within mere minutes via social media. We are surrounded by images and mottos of what we should do, what we shouldn’t do, what others feel is right and wrong, and everything in between. As a woman living in 2018, it can be difficult to navigate what womanhood should look like. This isn’t a sob blog post nor is it a scolding one. It’s food for thought and a means to honor and celebrate the very essence of what it means to be a woman.

I’m going to throw out a super radical notion for women—what would you feel like if society celebrated and appreciated all aspects of womanhood and not just some?

I am a woman…

And I will never breastfeed a baby at home or in public or wherever. And that is just fine.

I am a woman…

And even in a society who so greatly celebrates men (specifically white men), I still would choose to be a woman any day.

I am a woman…

And I wasn’t even sure that I wanted children (biologically, adopted, etc.) until I was in my 30s. And guess what, some days relinquishing control over my life to children still scares the shit out of me.

I am a woman…

And I am in a career that is still female dominated but my salary is still less than that of a man.

I am a woman…

And I will not carry on my bloodline. My children will not have my freckles across their nose or my slight features. And I’m fine with that, but I appreciate how hard it will be on my future children and for society to accept our differences.

I am a woman…

And I won’t experience a colicky baby or staying up all night due to feedings and infant cries.

I am a woman…

And I love to celebrate, communicate with, and embrace the strong women in my life.

I am a woman…

And my body isn’t and won’t be a “vessel” for human life and it is still worthy and a miracle.

I am a woman…

And although I’m choosing not to have biological children, I don’t have to feel sad about it. Although society really can’t seem to understand that.

I am a woman…

And I recognize that although being a woman is hard, it is that much more difficult for a woman of color and women of color deserve to be acknowledged, celebrated, and embraced for their womanhood as well.

I am a woman…

And I am tired that sometimes the only acknowledgement women get is through motherhood or marriage. This takes away from the women who have poured their heart and soul into a career they have always dreamt of. It takes away from the woman whose world is her playground and for her, children or a husband don’t fit into a life of travel. It takes away from the woman who desperately wants biological children but can’t have them and the woman who desperately would love to find her soul mate but hasn’t yet. It takes away from women who aren’t apart of the “club” of motherhood or marriage.

I am a woman…

And I believe motherhood can look many different ways. I believe it’s okay for a woman to: breastfeed, formula feed, become a mother via embryo adoption, become a mother via adoption, wear a baby in a carrier, feed only organic food, feed the best food one can afford, and do whatever she deems necessary and in the best interest of her family.

I AM A WOMAN…

And it is about damn time that we start to include all women in this “sisterhood” of womanhood.

Bottom line, I’m proud to be a woman. And I plan to celebrate my womanhood by embracing other women for all the wonderful things that make them a woman—for motherhood, for marriage, for their intelligence, for their courageousness, for their ability to dominate male dominated careers, for their willingness to stay home and raise their children, for their ability to stand in their own fierceness, for traveling the world and experiencing other cultures, for being them.

 

Being a woman is simplex.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Courage is never something I’ve easily described about myself. And I wouldn’t say today that I am courageous, but I do know that even in uncertainty I’m willing to keep walking forward. And I can truly say today that I’m proud of that. Maybe not courageous, but I’m willing to “be still and wait”. So today was our 2^nd home study visit with our new agency. It’s kind of crazy because most of our paper work, visits, etc. are completely done. We don’t want to give an exact date but we are slated to inquire on children by the middle of July.   We have come a long way. A crazy long way from where we started.

We started the process in August of 2015. We were finalized for the first time mid-February 2016. At that time we had experienced two miscarriages, committed to the first agency we felt good about, and were pursuing domestic infant adoption. And now we are here. I am so thankful for our wait. I know that must be hard to understand, and don’t’ worry, it took Eli and I a long time to become thankful for the wait. But the largest blessing in our lives have been when we were forced to Be still…

What has been interesting in my/our stillness is that the wait, our experience, this journey is what it has needed to be. We are nowhere from where we started, and please don’t feel bad about that. I think far too often people hear about someone’s pursuit to build their family in a different way. And they initially feel bad because they feel like it’s a second choice. A lesser choice. Even without meaning to. We sure don’t. We are not pursuing an infant. We will never have biological children by choice. Let me restate that…we are not pursuing an infant and will not have biological children by choice. We are looking into older children. Primarily sibling groups. And we are content. More than content…we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Eli spoke to our caseworker alone today, as I did. And she asked about how we felt about seeing each other as parents. He claimed that this is in my DNA. Not being a mother but mothering another woman’s child, by knowing and listening to what our future children need. I claimed that he would be anything a child needed him to. He didn’t need a label or a title. Isn’t that beautiful? Not for our children, but because we know exactly what we are supposed to be for our children together, simultaneously. There is a very big difference between excitement and contentment.

Our journey and our future children’s gave us beautiful and heart-wrenching perspective. And by God, you need perspective. And let me tell you, that perspective is not ours. It is our future children’s. We needed the time to deal with how society felt about the way we build our family because how we are building our family has NEVER been a problem for us. It has been an absolute blessing and privilege. We have needed that additional time to educate ourselves. To educate all of you. To experience comfort in exactly where we are. Our future children owe nothing to anyone. Their story is theirs. And we are here and ready to embrace it. There may be sadness in our story. And definitely in their’s, but sadness isn’t what we need from you. We need your willingness to understand and trust in us even when it seems confusing. We need your support in the form of words and actions even when you are unsure of what to say.

We are in the thick of it. It’s hard to describe. There is no adjective that does it justice. It just is. But it is exactly what it is supposed to be right now at this very moment. Eli and I have no clue what our future holds, but we are trusting where we are.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

Full disclosure…at this point we thought we would be parents.  These were the names of our future children.  We’ve never shared this with anyone.  Now we share it with the world.

Reality…in two days after Mother’s Day there will be a woman who we have never met coming into our home to gather information on whether or not we should be licensed to parent children. Sounds pretty crazy, right? I’m a teacher and Eli runs a camp…is there anything to be worried about?

Of course there is.

I’m not worried in the least about being deemed as a “fit parent”. We look good on paper, but that’s the least of my worries. My bigger concern is being about as self-aware as I can be when taking on the monumental task of responsibly and thoughtfully raising someone else’s children.

During our first home study we were starry-eyed, crazily ambitious, infatuated, and in first-time potential parent bliss.  We had names picked out, thoughts about what our kids would be like and expectations of what the process would be.  This time around we are attempting to be very self-aware, excited as one can be taking a child/children from their first-time home (so excited really isn’t the right word), and trying to become as educated as possible.

Many people wonder what we are so nervous about with a home study. Nervousness isn’t really the right word. Now that I am becoming aware I am able to see adoption through a very different lens, and that lens makes the life we are about to live look very different.

For example, my child/children will come to me due to a loss. Mother’s Day will never look what the average Mother’s Day will look like to most “mothers” and “children”. And trust me when I say, I am okay with that. In my family it will, and very rightfully so, be celebrated, or not at all, differently. I can be okay with that and still a little sad—for both my future children and me. Right now I couldn’t be more sure that I am meant to raise another woman’s children (which is far more complicated than people think when you think about the society that we live in). That isn’t an accolade or a feather in my cap. It’s the reality that is the harshness of adoption. And that makes my life, my future children’s life, and the woman/women I will be connected with in a day to celebrate “mothers” a little different—especially in a society that doesn’t celebrate or acknowledge differences.

So I enter this Mother’s Day without any apologies but with complete gratitude. There isn’t excitement in our next step of this process…because now, we are aware. I have no trepidation even though there is some fear because I know I’m right where I should be. But what I do know is I am more “realistically” aware and comfortable with where our life has taken us. And I’m thankful. And my thankfulness calls me to walk in the simplex truth that I must speak out when I am called to but embrace the quietness that can sometimes be the lonely walk that is adoption.

So this Mother’s Day…things look different.  The names have changed, the feelings have changed and we are exactly where we should be.  The feelings are simplex…no complex.  The whole process is too.  Mothers day sounds simple but it’s not.  Happy mothers day to you and yours.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I bet you’ve never been compared to an undergarment but that’s exactly what we need you to be.  Supporting in a pretty simplex way.

Ahhh!!!! So we are really doing it. It has finally started, and it feels surreal. If you missed it in our last few blog posts, we have signed on with an agency and we have been assigned our caseworker. We have started writing our home study to become licensed in the state of Wisconsin, and we have actually just scheduled our first two home study visits—the first one being only two weeks away. I can’t believe we are here.

And right now I’m feeling every emotion possible even with the certainty that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. We have some expectations, but we’ve also gained the wisdom to know that we will end up where we are supposed to be. Now don’t get me wrong, we aren’t just leaving things up to fate. Not even close to it. But we’ve gained the insight that the journey doesn’t always take you to the place you thought you’d end up, but you can still end up right where you’re supposed to be.

Our family and friends have been so great, and I know that for many of you the wait has been hard. I know it gets hard to know how to support us, and you’ve been wonderful. I’m sure many of you find yourself asking many of these questions:

Should I ask them where they are in the process?

            Do I bring up adoption? Maybe it makes them sad?

            Do I reinforce how great of parents they will be?

            Should I just wait until they say something?

I totally get how hard it must to support us. I mean, let’s face it, it’s definitely a slightly different journey. But now, I can outwardly tell you, we would love any support, good thoughts, and prayers you have to offer.

We love your questions, and we certainly appreciate them. We particularly like the How are you guys doing types of questions. And let me explain why. The how are you questions in regards to our adoption is a little broader. More often we get asked the Where are you in your adoption types of questions. This one is a little harder to answer because there may be no change in where we are for a really long time. I’m sure some of you have noticed this over the last few years. We often don’t really know where we are until we get there. We so appreciate your inquiries and it really let’s us know that you are thinking about us in this process.

Another way that you can support me, specifically, is by really acknowledging that the power and beauty of womanhood isn’t only exemplified through the miracle of carrying and delivering a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely satisfied and happy to build my family through adoption, but sometimes it feels like society is telling me I’m not as much of a woman because I’m not “labor strong” or because I haven’t breastfed, or I don’t have stretch marks from carrying a baby. I’m secure enough in this, but you can really support me by helping to break down the societal perception that women are only strong in this way. They are most definitely strong because they birth babies, but there are so many more things that make women strong in addition to giving birth.

Being a teacher, I clearly value the role of education. Much of our time during this “waiting period” has been spent educating ourselves. Those of you that are close family and friends can really support us by starting to learn acceptable adoption language (we can always help with this), becoming comfortable with the fact that our family will be different, how trauma impacts children, as well as educating yourselves on racial issues within your own biases as well as society. Eli and I both have a plethora of resources we would love to share for those who are interested.

These are just a few of the ways that you can support us. I sure hope that it didn’t look like the teacher was trying to “school” any of you. Throughout our time planning to build our family through adoption we’ve really learned to ask for what we need. And support is exactly what we need right now. The above are just a few examples, but we will take anything we can get and please know there is no wrong way. Providing support seems simple on the surface, until you understand the intricacies of building a family through adoption. Then it becomes much more complex. We so appreciate your simplex support through this very simplex journey that we have had the privilege of taking.

~Chelsea

Stick with-it-ness and a virtue granted by God or something you show to others—GRIT AND GRACE. These two very short but powerful words have become my mantra in the last year. By no means am I completely a “girl with grit and grace”, but I’m working my hardest to get there.

The last year has been tough. Not awful. Not terribly sad or depressing. Just tough. Why? It’s a year that I sat and really reflected. I slowed this journey down. I thought…

…and thought

…and thought some more.

And I second-guessed how long I was taking. I let my heart heal. I got angry. I prayed. And I really pulled inward (or at least I tried to…it’s not really in my personality). And most importantly, I sat in the silence. I thought that my “reflective process” would never end…

But it did. And now here we are. We have committed to an agency. Something I was unsure would happen again. We have a caseworker, and so far, she seems great. We just got sent our new batch of home study paper work.

And I’m scared.

I’m ready to move forward.

I’m nervous.

I know my future is there, but I still can’t see it.

I worry.

And now…

I know that it’s completely okay. How do I know that? Because grace allows me to trust that I don’t always need control, and the grit I’m trying to develop allows me to get up and push forward. Because you know what? Throughout all the fear, the lack of trust, the waiting, the stupid comments, the love, the support, the wisdom, the awakening, I know I needed this process and I couldn’t be surer that I’m exactly where I need to be. So don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some sob story…this is a revelation. I’ve been born a new woman—just a girl trying to have grit and grace.

So just a girl trying to have more grit and grace…what does that mean? It means starting to work on the paper work even if I do feel a little fear. It means educating myself on trauma, transracial adoption, and things that are currently affecting adoptees. It means outwardly asking you for your love and support. It means cutting people slack while thoughtfully educating them. And it means relishing in this beautiful and simplex journey. Because let’s face it, grit and the recognition and giving of grace is developed in the process, not just the end result.

~Chelsea