Vacation has been a balm to my soul since I met Eli.  And when I say vacation, I don’t mean a five-star resort.  I mean good play lists, lots of laugh, food, and finding many, many places off the beaten path.  Our vacations have taken us to lots of amazing places and we’ve laughed, had great food, and enjoyed the history of all of them.

We hit Spring Break this year and knew we needed something. Now let me tell you, Spring Break gets tricky with a teacher and a camp guy.  And let me tell you, it gets even trickier when you’ve been in the throws of adoption.  We contemplated a lot of choices for Spring Break—Texas, Europe, Boston, among many others. What did we choose?  Our second home…Duluth.  The city on Lake Superior.  And guess what?  It was desperately needed.

We soaked in the shoreline, drank a fair amount of beer, and let the spirit of Superior soothe our soul. We also made some pretty hefty decisions.  While this “vacation”  may have seemed like sunsets, boats, and good beer we were pretty deep in decision. Hefty decisions…

And we made some. Suffice it to say; two children from New Mexico will never know we exist, but  we will never forget about their existence.  Right decision?  How can we be 100% sure?  But we think so.   Before you give me encouragement and advice, it’s more simplex than you could ever imagine. Right now, what we do welcome is prayers, hugs, good food, and we won’t scoff at decent beer.  

We cried a bit…but we still continued to learn a lot.

And amidst all the snow melting and the unpredictable weather, we soaked in the sunshine. So right now, we aren’t exactly sure where we  are heading, but we know we will still continue the simplex path there.

~Chelsea

Ever feel that life has you floating in some freezing cold water like a giant chunk of ice.  Well, I have.  I mean…ah…do, yeah that’s it.  That’s how I feel.  As I stare out at Lake Superior, I can’t help but think of myself as one of those ice chunks and life is taking me in whatever direction it wants to right now; just like Superior has it’s way with the ice. 

I find myself once again on the shores of Lake Superior in Duluth, Minnesota.

I love vacations. This one is no exception.  It came up way faster than either of us anticipated. Well, me more than Chelsea, I tend to be notoriously non-committal with where to travel.  Not with taking the vacation and getting up and going, but more so on where to go.  

One area that I would love to travel to that we have never been is northern California…wow, it looks gorgeous.  I had the desire to go somewhere far away, pick up and go, fly someplace different. I like trying new things, going places that I’ve never been before and staying busy.  Even on vacation.  

We ended up in Duluth, Minnesota…a small city that I’ve been to at least a dozen times.  And it’s just what I need.  (more on that later)

You see at first we were thinking about heading to New Mexico.  Adoption and vacation related.  But…we decided not to.  Adoption is complicated.  We are quickly learning that adoption is a series of facts, feelings and straight information that we have to gather, input into a formula that doesn’t exist and make the best decision for our family.  Seriously, it’s hard to make a decision on some of this stuff.  We have seen a lot of paperwork…that’s great but it’s still hard to make a decision on people’s lives based on a bunch of pieces of paper.  Ever misinterpret an email and read into something that was actually nothing? That times a billion.  There are multiple times per day that we are 100% sure we are going one way, only to turn 180 degrees, and then back to the original later that night.  That’s not because of us, or any type of indecision, that’s because adoption is Simplex. There are more moving parts, feelings, decisions, and information involved than one who hasn’t experienced it can imagine. 

So here we are in Duluth, MN.  Why Duluth you may ask?  Exactly, Duluth, I would respond.  It’s exactly Duluth that we need right now.  

There is no place as comfortable to “get-away” as Duluth, Minnesota.  It’s a whole different world next to the Big Lake.  It’s a small town feel, city feel, door county and a short drive to solitude all rolled into one.  I’ve been here at least a dozen times and that helps make it comfortable. Like coming home but getting away. 

There’s a connection with nature here.  I need that. Shoot, we all need that.  There is nothing like immersing yourself and surrounding yourself with the power, wonder, and beauty of nature when things aren’t exactly going your way. 

 

It’s the perfect place to spend some time with your own thoughts.  There’s a lot of introspection with adoption.  It needs to happen in a powerful way.  I needed to re-focus, and take a long look at myself, my thoughts and my journey again.  What’s right? What’s not?  Why? Can I do this?  Can we do this?  Should we do this or that? It’s a lot.  (Don’t interpret this as second-guessing, just deciding on different options—remember the Benefits of Doubt?) But it will make us better adoptive parents, I’ll tell you that.

Oh and by the way they have world-class beer!  That’s also why. 

So when you are feeling like a giant chunk of ice and Lake Superior is having it’s way with you–get away. Find someplace comfortable, bury yourself in nature, meditate, and find some great beer.  Because you know eventually the ice melts, the solid turns liquid and you end up as something else all together.      

~Eli

Yoga is something I really enjoy.  I don’t do it near the amount I should, but it leaves me feeling grounded, strong, balanced, and clear-minded, and let’s face it…I need all of those things in my life right now. 

Right now I’m sitting next to a box that may very well lead me to my future.  No, I really mean it.  I’m sitting at my counter with this box to my left…music blaring and typing away.  Eli and I are willingly, joyfully (okay, not all the time), and open-mindedly (is that even a word?) fighting for our futures. 

Warrior II is a yoga pose and every time I do it leaves me feeling empowered.  It is a pose that requires strength, balance, grounding.  I know some of our recent posts have probably left some of you feeling very confused, but let me reassure you the small moments of defeat, glimpses of doubt, a rocky path aren’t stopping us.  Trust me, we’ve thought of every scenario, researched, read, discussed more than you can imagine.  We eat, sleep, and breathe adoption.  Why? Because if we want to fight for our future that may eventually greatly impact other human beings, we damn well better be eating, sleeping, and breathing adoption (along with trauma, attachment, connection, race among so many other things).   

So where are we right now? Well, quite literally sitting next to a box that may lead us to our future.  We are sometimes grounding ourselves, leaning on each other, at other times putting one foot in front of the other, and are taking it one day at a time but with our gaze still on the horizon.  Because this future is worth fighting for.  There is a lot that is simplex about standing like a warrior even if you don’t always feel like one.    

~Chelsea

There is no question that we are living in a time of fear, anxiety, doubt, and uncertainty.  Just read some previous blogs or open your nearest news app if you don’t believe me;  I dare you to prove me wrong.  

I’ve had doubt before. I think it’s natural that we as humans doubt.  We doubt in our own abilities, we doubt in other’s abilities, we doubt our purpose in life and we doubt when things don’t go exactly how we have them planned in our heads.  

Where am I right now? My feet are planted firmly in that last example.  “We doubt when things don’t go exactly how we have them planned in our heads.”  Yep, that’s where I am.  Probably thinking into things too much and probably reading into each word, nuance and “tone” of each email and communication.  In my defense how can I not?  No seriously, we’ve been on this journey for what, 3+ years? Tell me something you have tried to make happen for 3 years and didn’t let a little doubt creep in.  **Seriously though, if you can tell me, call me, I’ll take the advice on how that works.**

Before, y’all start freaking out and “boosting me up” this does not mean that I’m standing on the precipice of deep sixing my adoption.  Quite the opposite actually.  Do I doubt I will ever have kids?  Sure. Because I can’t say 100% for sure that I will. 

But I’ll tell you what I do know…okay not yet, you’ll have to read until the end to find out what I do know in the face of doubt.  

So, I’ll give you the Benefits of the Doubt x5

1.  Realize I’m Not Flawed

I’m a Christian, we’ve covered that before.  Yes, I’ve doubted (and still sometimes still do) the very existence of God.  Yep, I’ve worried at times that what I believe in, and given my life to is a big lie.  Guess what?  That doesn’t mean I have a sickness and it’s not a sign of a spiritual flaw.  It’s an opportunity to grow in my faith and understanding of my faith.  I can doubt my adoption…I can doubt that this is the exact right situation for me…there is nothing flawed about that.  There is strength in it. 

2.  Letting Doubt Solidify My Resolve

Okay, so our doubts just don’t by default win.  In a manner of speaking we should doubt our doubts.  Stick with me here.  I’m not going to let my doubts just have free reign in my life.  I need to investigate each one, give them a litmus test and determine whether the doubts I have are indisputably a problem. 

3.  Doubting in Times of Struggle

Inevitably I allow my doubts to have their way with my decision making process and life too much. Hard not to do.  My imagination runs too far and too fast in front of reality. Ever google search symptoms of an illness…yeah, that!  Sometimes I need to remember that there aren’t reasons to doubt in a particular situation I am in.  That remembrance leads to strength. 

4.  Using Past Hurts 

 I’ve been burned.  Burned by social workers, agencies, “the system”, individuals and groups of people alike.  I’ve been hurt, bad things have happened in situations I have put enormous amounts of faith in.  I do have to remember just because I’ve been burned does not mean people are bad, or they did it on purpose.  We live in a broken world and are working with a broken system…it’s bound to happen. And probably will again. I have to separate people and their actions sometimes…that’s incredibly hard to do. But in the end, if I do this correctly, and try to remember it each time, I become a stronger more forgiving person that can open up to offering grace.

5.  Forced Into Others

My doubt makes me realize that I cannot do this on my own.  The definition of what that looks, feels, and sounds like varies.  Sometimes it drives Chelsea and me closer together. (Wow, that’s huge) She’s my rock, my strength and my determination.  I can use doubt to deepen our bond.  Sometimes it’s my faith.  It reminds me that I can’t handle this by myself.  Sometimes it’s my great friends.  They build me up, they humble me, and they show compassion.  My doubt helps fuel and fortify those relationships.

What I do know…I’m not quitting, not yet.  Not on 2 boys, not on my adoption, not on the honesty of people.  I’m going to put one foot in front of the other and move with grace, poise, determination and resilience.  At least until that next doubt creeps in.  But, I’ll deal with that later.  

~Eli

I feel defeated. We are pushing up against a system that is broken. We have no clue where the hell we are going.  At times we feel pretty alone, and we are at a point where we don’t need some cheesy and canned, “Your children are out there” line.  While we do appreciate the sentiment, we can settle in the defeat that we feel right now at this very moment.  Why?  Because it’s real.  And what we do know about adoption is that it pulls the “real” right out of you.

I’m all about positivity, but there needs to be a certain amount of authenticity to that.  I’m raw. Unsure.  Upset.  Pissed off. And sad. And that’s okay.  While those feelings can be hard to deal with sometimes, I’ve learned all too well in the last three and a half years that it’s not only okay to feel them, but it’s necessary.

This is adoption.

A whole lot of love.

Even more uncertainty.

And faith.  

And that’s just coming from our viewpoint…now imagine being a child. 

So right now…Eli and I are sitting in a place where we don’t even know what we need.  So to state it frankly, please refrain from giving us advice, or telling us what you think we should hear, or what you think we need to go forward.  We will figure it out, but we need time.  

So for the time being, we will pack up our duffel bag, listen to some music, write, and lean on one another.

~Chelsea

Grit—four letters, but powerful…and quite complex.  I’m a word person.  I love words that hold deeper meanings.  That have layers.  The definition of grit is courage or resolve.  To have strength of character.  Initially when I learned this word I thought that it meant to be “tough” or “strong”, and when I think of it like that it sounds pretty simple. However, as I’ve worked to develop grit and to possess more of it, I’ve realized that it is far more simplex that just being tough or strong.  Grit isn’t something you innately have in you.  It’s something you develop.  It’s something you work for.

I will be forever grateful to the adoption process for helping me become a “grittier” person (not sure if that’s a thing, but I like the sound of it).  The last few weeks have been trying, and let me note, in many areas of my life, not just adoption.  When I say trying, I mean just that.  Not necessarily awful (although there has been one or two pretty yucky events), but just trying.  And when you combine multiple trying events and experiences, it really forces you to rely on your grit or develop it, whether you like it or not. 

Grit is that stick-to-it-ness in moments when it would be easier to give up.  It’s doing something even though it’s hard because you know that responsibility and impact of giving up impacts far more people than just yourself. 

Grit is speaking up even though your voice shakes and your cheeks turn red because silence is apathy.

Grit is sometimes showing your emotions.  It’s letting the tears freely flow down your face because you’re human, and it’s okay to show it.

Grit is waiting in faith even when there is no true end in sight.

Grit is remaining constant and unwavering amidst the inconsistencies.

Grit is not being worn down but rather polished.

I want to be a woman with grit and grace not just in how it impacts my journey to adopt, but in all aspects of my life.  But damn, sometimes it is so hard, but I still know it is beyond worth it.  See, an oyster won’t develop a beautiful pearl without a little grit.  

~Chelsea

It has been bitterly cold and pretty windy here in the Midwest.  So what do you do on a Saturday night?  You brew a delicious batch of strawberry milkshake IPA, start a fire, and blast some amazing music (Mumford and Sons, Bret Dennen, Punch Brothers, Horseshoes and Hand Grenades, Prince, among so many others).  

We’ve learned how to wait.  See we are currently farther into the adoption process than we ever have been. We aren’t ready to officially tell the public what that means, but please do know, that there is no certainty in anything other than how we choose to wait and controlling the things we can control.   

This morning as Eli and I were cleaning the house (let’s face it, it was mainly Eli and I was mainly offering emotional support), we were talking about how fortunate we are to have grown and learned so much throughout this journey to build our family.  We often get the, “It must be so hard to wait.” And although we appreciate the sentiment, it has been an absolute pleasure.  Now don’t get me wrong.  It doesn’t mean we don’t get frustrated or that it isn’t hard, but it’s produced a certain “grit” in us, and I really believe we’ve chosen to make the most out of it.  

We’ve taken this time to read, discuss, engage, and learn about things that will not only deeply impact our family, but impacts humanity in general. It has changed my life, and I will be forever grateful to have the “veil” that society and I have placed over my eyes removed.  

We’ve also taken the time to just be in love with one another.  When no one else has understood this journey, we’ve had each other.  There is no better medicine for me than adventures, laughter, and wandering with Eli.  This has looked like dance sessions in the kitchen, a trip of a lifetime to London and Paris, trying new breweries and restaurants, and just loving our life together.  No one could love him like I do, and there is no one else that I would rather go through this journey or this life with.  

So we will continue to wait…at a crossroads we’ve never been at before.  We’ll dance a little in the kitchen, brew a little beer, read our next book on white fragility, and move when we need to.  

~Chelsea

It’s the beginning of February and even with having 3 snow/cold days last week, I’m beginning to feel drained in my job.  Work has been really difficult lately and more draining than usual—changes throughout the building, teaching adolescent students, continuous paper work, all while meeting everyone’s needs, and might I add that it’s still the dead of winter.

See, I’ve always prided myself on my level of commitment as a teacher. I’ve loved the feeling of being needed—by my school, by my fellow staff members, but most importantly by my students. I can remember many nights planning by the light of my computer an amazing lesson I was so excited to share. I’ve spent countless hours coming up with ways to make my classroom a “safe” space for my students (tonight it involved a Costco run to stock up my very own classroom “store”).  I’ve written small notes, sent positive emails, and spent long hours after school to support both current and former students.  I was destined, made to be a teacher.  

I know I’ve stated many times in previous posts just how much our adoption journey has taught me.  But it never ceases to amaze me how much these amazing lessons have filtered into every aspect of my life.  I’ve learned how to be a better partner, how to check my privilege, how to educate myself on issues and topics that not only will make me a better parent, but a better person in general.  I’ve learned how to remain steadfast.  I’ve developed a little bit of grit and work daily on being a woman with grit and grace. I’ve widened the lens through which I view the world.

And I’ve learned:

My job, my career, is a part of my life, but it is NOT my life.

This has been eye opening for me.  I’m a person who feels things deeply.  As Eli says, my best attribute is my emotional intelligence (I don’t know about all that).  However, I know what it does mean is that when I’m happy and feel successful, I feel it to my very core.  And when I’m stressed and feeling drained I feel it to my very core.  See I’m used to trying to make things happen.  To control the situation.  To fix things.  But a lot of things in life are out of our control—the weather, new administrative changes in a work place, how people react around us, or how long or short adopting children may take. 

What I do know that I control is my response to these outside forces. I can control my reaction, and I control how something makes me feel.  I love being a teacher.  I love feeling needed by my school, by my co-workers, and most importantly by my students.  I choose to focus on those things and to allow that to be a part of my life…because I’ve learned to not let them become my life.  In this adoption journey I’ve learned to prioritize just how much I let things encroach on my life. Such as:

 Being strong in my marriage, so that I can remain steadfast for building my family. 

Being knowledgeable and educated so that I can be an advocate, for not only my future children, but for many people where privilege may not always be afforded.

Being a woman who wakes up every day who tries to exhibit grit and grace (some days are better than others).

And I’m still working on it, but doing the very best that I can as a teacher within my job while not allowing it to be my life.

The dictionary definition of identity is the distinguishing character or personality of an individual. Isn’t that amazing? We can allow many things to become a part of our identity, but they don’t have to be our identity. The simplex thing is our identity is what we choose to make it.

~Chelsea

I’m sitting at my dining room table with a delicious candle lit in front me, some great music (Billy Raffoul) blasting in the background, and the most beautiful scene of snowflakes dancing in the air as the beautiful camp I call home is under a blanket of snow.  It really is ironic isn’t it…to describe a blizzard as beautiful.  

Ever try explaining the Midwest winters to someone who has never experienced one?  We complain a lot about them, but we Midwesterners tend to take great pride in trying to really explain a true blizzard.  It’s hard to get across exactly what it’s like, isn’t it?  But we try.  We include details about the flakes stinging our cheeks, of the feeling of trudging through “feet” of snow, how it feels to plop into a freshly fallen snow bank, and the terror of driving through a true blizzard.  Even with all of our detailed descriptions somehow our attempt at trying to convey a true snowstorm or blizzard to someone who hasn’t experienced one just seems to fall short. 

Everyone has seen a blizzard or a snowstorm on TV.  But often that reference point is just one storm.  Just one experience.  Going through the experience of adoption feels very similar and even more so for an informed, ethical, eyes-wide open adoption.  How does one take something like this and put it into words?  I guess that has what has always been part of the purpose of our blog—to give people a glimpse, a real-word view of this process.  To help them to understand the crazy simplexity of adoption.  The beauty.  The loss. The lack of control.  The education. The loneliness.  The love.  

There are things about adoption that I could tell you, but until you throw on your snowshoes and stomp into the depth of the snowstorm or blizzard, you won’t appreciate the magnitude, ironic beauty, and terrifying temperatures.  That’s the crazy juxtaposition—it can be all of those things.  Now let’s face it…we maybe will never get to experience a true Midwest snowstorm or blizzard.  We may never choose to adopt children.  But that doesn’t mean we just listen to the narrative on The Weather Channel or a terrible Lifetime movie in the case of adoption.  See, I’ve been forced to allow myself to acclimate to this blizzard that can be adoption.  But it’s not because I’ve just seen it, played in it, and experienced it.  It’s because I forced myself to venture further out into it through listening to the voices of first parents and birth parents, adoptees, and other adoptive families.  I have been devouring literature that stretches far beyond the adoption world—encompassing trauma informed care, the complexities of race, white fragility, among many other things.  

So whether you are looking through the window at our adoption experience, are trying to navigate the deep snow or are experiencing the freezing temperatures of adoption, know that snow keeps falling, the cold is still frigid and the journey continues.  Not easy to describe the simplexity of either a blizzard or adoption, but both are awesome in an overwhelming sort of way.

~Chelsea

I know that I’ve done a fair number of posts on activism and speaking out against injustice, and after this weekend, and past precedent, I feel I need to do one more (but beware, there may be more to come in the future).  

Let’s just start off with clearing up a few things: Eli and I adopting is not a form of activism.  For one, that’s not okay, and two that has nothing to do with why we are adopting. Secondly, activism has been and always will be a part of my life.  On the eve of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I believe so strongly in his words, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter.”

See lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of rhetoric about “hating politics” and “people are just being too sensitive” and “why can’t we all just get along?”. And that’s all fine and well until it means justifying as well degrading, dehumanizing, and discrediting humanity.  Where have we gotten?  Those things have nothing to do with politics and all about being silent about the things that matter.  

I’ve always tried to be informed, and I really prided myself on awareness…but sadly and shamefully, my privilege (and let’s face it, the blindness to my privilege) has allowed me to not be “woke”.  Over the last few years, and more specifically in my search for knowledge in this journey to adopt, I’ve “opened my eyes”.  I’m ashamed that this is what it took for me to feel the urgency, but if I’m being honest, it has been my path.  And now that I’m aware, I’m pissed off.  

I’m done with political excuses.

I’m over people being tired of “hard conversations”.

I’m through with “I didn’t really mean it” or “it’s just a joke”.

And I want to throw up from ignorant Facebook posts to justify bigotry, hatred, racism, sexism, xenophobia, and homophobia. 

My journey to adopt has awakened my faith as a Christian.  And what that means is that I cannot and will not be silent about things that matter.  My faith tells me this.  You may not see the correlation between this post and our possible future family. And that saddens me because it has everything to do with it.  

I used to side-step around these conversations or “let it go” unless it was “overtly” racist, dehumanizing, homophobic, etc.  See my privilege let me do that.  But I’m over that.  I’m aware.  My eyes are open.

So when you say the “funny” joke…I’m offended.

And when you wonder why I’m so sensitive, it’s because it’s wrong.

When you justify bigoted behavior, I plan to lovingly but intentionally let you know about how your behavior is bigoted.

As you say, “What am I supposed to do?”, I’m happy to give you a plethora of resources.

And I may scroll past the hurtful, racist, harmful Facebook posts, but I’ll probably un-follow you, and it’s not because “I don’t agree with your politics”, but more because I can’t support hateful, racist agendas.

So upon reading this post, some of you may be offended, and I’m okay with that. I have no shame about speaking out against hatred and injustice. I couldn’t keep these words out of my mouth (or off of my keyboard) any longer.  The time is too dire…”if not me then who.”  I’m done posting MLK quotes, but not living by them each and every day.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” –Martin Luther King Jr.

~Chelsea