So to update you all, yes we are adopting two amazing children. That doesn’t mean we stop learning “lessons along the way.” No, we are not sharing all the details of where we are with transitioning the kids yet. But we will happily share some of the simplex lessons we have learned as we’ve worked to get to where we are.
Lessons I’ve learned:
I have no control. This is hard as hell. We’ve gotten a lot of people to commend our “great patience”. God’s grace has helped us with this. Eli and I have learned the hard way that things just will not happen in our timeline or in the way we envision it, and there isn’t always a reason for it. Which brings me to my next lesson:
The saying that “Everything happens for a reason” is a bunch of bullshit. I know that sounds harsh, but let me explain. Try saying that statement to the 440,000 children who are currently in the completely underfunded, poorly resourced foster care system. Sometimes things happen not for a reason but because things are broken and bad shit happens.
There is always more to the story…stop with the generalizations. Nothing is as it seems and I’ve learned to stop and take the time to get to know people, their back stories. Ripping on people, making assumptions, generalizations is not good for anyone…it’s toxic all around.
Everything isn’t always everyone’s business. Although I have decided to share portions of my story, our journey, I have no right to share my future children’s story with anyone. I’m working to feel less pressured to give explanations. This is still hard for me, but I’m getting better at it. As their future mother, it is my job to protect them, and a big way that I can do that is by holding their history, their story in privacy. It is theirs to share, own, and acknowledge.
I’m learning to say no. No to giving juicy details on what’s happening in our lives. No to nosiness about my kids’ history. No to taking on another task or duty at work that I just can’t take on right now. No to making social plans when I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to do it. And guess what? It feels pretty damn empowering.
And the most important lesson I’ve learned…to learn—about trauma, from the experiences of adoptees, about systemic racism that is woven into the very fiber of this country, from my children.
So what have I learned as I’ve worked so hard to become a woman of grit and grace…it’s not a destination you get to, but what happens to you as you journey along the way.
As you prepare to become a parent, you innately want to work hard to do all the things you can to make the world a better place for your child or children. As you prepare to become a parent when your children have a story, a full history, and through different circumstances, you not only strive to educate yourself and then educate others, but you MUST educate yourself and then educate others–or at least that’s what you should do. What I’ve learned as I’ve been “preparing to become a parent”, but should really just be applicable to life in general, is that the time is ALWAYS right to be offended and to call out injustice when we see it–be it injustice surrounding race, sexuality, sexism, ableism, etc.
Over the past few years as I increased my awareness, checked my own privilege, examined my biases, and reflected on the lenses in which I see the world, I became angry–at myself, at history, at society, at the present. It was as if I was seeing the world through an entirely different set of glasses. I woke up out of the fog of my own privilege, out of my whiteness…and began to see. Now don’t get me wrong, I still step into that fog from time to time, but I try damn hard to get right out of it.
And then I learned some more. I continued to educate myself. I asked questions. And I worked really hard to listen (You know that can be hard for me. I’m working on it; I promise).
I’m still learning. I’m still educating myself. I’m still asking questions. And I’m still working on listening.
I’ve been working hard to be an ally. Someone who will speak up. Who will be offended. Who will call out injustice. I tried to really utilize my grit and my grace. My grit gave me the courage to try to speak out even though my voice wavered…I’m still working on speaking up and speaking out. And my grace is giving me the opportunity to educate firmly, but gently.
Does any of this make me a saint? A white savior? Someone special? Committed? No frickin’ way. It makes me a person who is doing exactly what I should have been doing my entire life. I was always against racism, discrimination, etc. But I wouldn’t have called myself anti-racist. I wouldn’t have said that I was actively and consciously trying to be an ally.
As a white woman of privilege, I know that it is MY responsibility to educate myself. People of color, diverse abilities, different sexual orientations, etc. do not owe me anything. The information is out there. It’s been out there. It’s time to learn, listen, and reflect. But more importantly to do something, to be an ally.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’ll be hearing me bring up equality vs. equity a lot. You may think I talk about race too much. I’ll be throwing out ideas on ways to make my classroom, my environment more inclusive. I’ll be sharing book titles, and calling out injustices. I will be doing everything in my power to be anti-racist and to be an ally.
Sure, I’ll mess up.
Yes, I’ll clam up when I should be calling something out.
I’ll get it wrong and be embarrassed.
I will definitely have to apologize.
But everyday I’m making a commitment to shut up, listen and learn from the experiences of those who are different than myself, and to try again. It’s too important not to.
Isn’t it hard to believe that it’s already the end of September? How is it that sometimes the days feel like marathons, but the weeks and months are like sprints? That perfectly describes our summer and the start to our fall. If you’ve missed our last couple of blogs, we have been matched with two children. The feelings surrounding that match are super simplex.
We have had such an outpouring of love and support. Right now to update you and the world, we are waiting. I know that is hard for many of you to hear, but it’s where we are, and we are okay with that. Transitions take time, and we are willing to do anything and everything that is in the best interest of our future children. So what do we do in the meantime?
We listen first.
We educate ourselves.
And we enter conversations…but only after we’ve listened.
I know many of you are so eager to find out more about what our family will look like. We won’t be blogging about the specifics of our family. Our children deserve to have their story, their lives, treated with privacy and care…so it’s not going to be up for blogging. What we will continue to blog about is parenting, parenting school-aged children (we are so excited to jump right in), and issues related to our parenting journey, among other issues we feel passionate about.
What we can tell you is that we are currently shopping for a new piece of not very simplex wall art for our new family. We can’t wait to put it up on a wall to remind our family and those who enter our home that:
Perspective has always been something that has fascinated me. When I taught social studies, I used to have students do an activity at the beginning of the year about perspective. I had them jot down observations of our classroom from all different points in the room—under their desk, on top of a chair, from the corner of the room, etc. We then discussed how we are all standing in the same room, but our perspective changed based of the “lens” we were seeing the room through. My perspective on life, priorities, relationships/friendships, has most definitely shifted based on some of my life experiences, particularly working to build my family through adoption.
It has been almost four years since we began educating and pursuing building our family through adoption. And although it’s been awhile, this last year Eli and I were graced with a real sense of calm and patience. I say graced because it was not through our own strength that we were able to remain steadfast. This last year was tough…extremely tough for multiple reasons—work was hard (harder than normal), life got extremely busy, and truth behind “friendships” were revealed. But the constancy I relied on, drew strength from, was that I would remain steadfast in having faith that our family would be built through adoption. See, this offered me perspective. It became the “lens” that I looked at life through. So don’t think for one second that I am “saving” children. That couldn’t be further from the truth. This process, and submitting to it, and these children, have saved me.
Perspective has been everything. And the lessons that I have and am now learning have changed my perspective and are driving many of my life choices. And now I’m at a point that I plan to act on some of them.
What does it look like for me?
It looks like speaking out about racism and injustice, always and no matter what, whether or not it is uncomfortable. I’m willing and ready to have those conversations whether it is with a friend, family member, co-workers or stranger. Why? Because it isn’t enough just to be against racism. To make a change we must all be anti-racist.
It looks like pulling in and prioritizing my family’s needs. This is a struggle for me because I am a people pleaser and often will put other’s needs before my own.
It looks like cutting out unnecessary stress and investing in things that fill my cup rather than taking away from it. I know this will be difficult for me. I have a hard time saying “no”. Goes back to wanting to please people.
It looks like asking for help, for support instead of assuming that people will give it (Eli says I assume that because that’s exactly what I would do—give support).
It looks like cutting out inauthentic and unhealthy relationships, even if it means conflict and confrontation.
It looks like pouring into fulfilling and healthy relationships, even if it means narrowing down my circle.
Perspective is a simplex thing—yes, it’s simply about how you look at something, but what makes it complex is whether or not you’re willing to look at it from various angles. I’m thankful for the perspective that adoption has given me.
It’s been a long time everyone! When we started this blog a few years ago, we had no clue where our journey would take us. It’s amazing to see how far we’ve come. Reading back on past blog posts is a real interesting experience, and let’s face it, it’s sometimes downright embarrassing. Although we have been waiting to adopt for quite some time, I am beyond thankful to have had the time to educate myself. The desire to have a family should never outweigh going through the process as informed and ethically as possible.
Our goal throughout our blog has been to show the very “simplex” process of building a family through adoption. We’ve shared the highs, the lows, our mistakes, our “aha” moments, and learning curves in between. And just as our adoption journey has evolved, morphed, and changed, our blog will be doing something very similar.
Right now we have been officially matched with two children and are going through the process to eventually transition them into our home. The gravity of what this means is not lost on us. So in the future our blog will probably look a little different. Although Eli and I have chosen to share some of our experiences through this blog, we will not be sharing our future children’s experiences, identity, etc. via this blog. It’s not our story to share and we will always put our children first. Our future children will be coming to us with an entire history. Many people are curious and therefore ask questions, but other people are just plain “nosy”, for lack of better words. It is not my or my future children’s job to satisfy nosiness or curiousity through sharing the specifics of my future children’s history. Their history is just that–theirs. People also tend to make assumptions. And often these assumptions are rooted in stereotypes, biases, and preconceived ideas of what people think children, specifically older children, who are being adopted have endured. Please know, I’m not discouraging you to ask questions. Please do…but please also understand that just because you ask the question, I may respectfully decline to answer it. If you are truly curious to learn more about adoption, transracial adoption, trauma and trauma informed care, parenting strategies, etc., please let me know and I would be more than happy to point you in the direction of a wide variety of fantastic resources.
What we will share are some more general experiences, opinions, lessons learned, resources, etc. We have some great ideas for future blog posts:
· Information regarding connected parenting (TBRI) and why we are choosing to use this parenting style/technique
· Why it’s not enough to be simply against racism but the importance of actively being anti-racist
· What white privilege is and how to confront your own and without fragility
· Technology and its role in kids’ lives
· Resources we love and why we use them
· Among many, many other things
What we would love is a little help from all of you. We would love to do a Q/A post at some time. What questions do you have for us? What would you like to know a little bit more about? Also, we would love suggestions for future blog posts that you would like to see. We’ve learned so much and love the opportunity to interact with others and share what we have learned. Our summer has been simplex and absolutely beautiful and we are excited to continue to write future blog posts for Simplexity.
On the morning of June 6th, Eli and I got the most simplex phone call of our entire lives. We were being asked to be “matched” with two children. After a lot of tears, a few joyful whoops, and a lot of discussion, we said “YES”. So what does this mean…well, that we are further than we’ve ever been. That the goal for all involved is to have us adopt these children, pending everything goes the way it should. It’s happened…and we are moving forward.
This has been quite the journey. There have been many peaks and a few valleys, but we’ve learned. We’ve needed that time to learn. And we appreciate the support and love of all of our family and friends.
Now it’s more important than ever to educate. So that’s why we’d like to tell you a bit about where we are and where we will be going forward.
We aren’t sure how long this will take. And that’s okay. The goal is always what’s in the best interest of our children–a smooth transition and permanency in a forever loving home.
We will not be sharing the details of our children’s story. Please be careful of some of the questions you ask (you are talking about our future children and our children’s parents) and really avoid making assumptions. Our children’s story is just that…their story. This may mean that going forward our blog may look a bit different.
Our children aren’t “lucky”. For us this has been intentional, but it hasn’t been for our children. They don’t and shouldn’t have any obligation to feel “lucky” or “blessed”. We have been intentional in pursuing these children. We are blessed. We are lucky. And they will add so much to our family.
And last but not least, please, if you plan to have a presence in our family’s life, begin to educate yourself on adoption, racism, trauma, among many other things. I’m happy to recommend a variety of articles, websites, and books. You can start with In on It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption by Elisabeth O’Toole as well as White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo. I have copies of both if you would like to borrow them.
We are still on this wild ride. We’ve learned a lot, embraced one another, and know first hand just how beautifully messy a miracle can be.
Eli and I take time through blogging to share various aspects of our journey of hopefully adding children to our family through adoption. We make a conscious effort to try to share our journey while also being a blog that people hopefully can relate to even if they aren’t in the thick of adopting. Because let’s face it…we’ve all been in “the thick of it” as it pertains to something, whether that be problems at work, feeling spread too thin, financial strain, general stress…among many, many other things.
I have no clue where our journey will take us. We are in the process of working on our third home study. Yes, third. Today we worked on paperwork which included submitting for three different clearances (sheriff, police, and DHS), one general background check, and then a Department of Justice name change check (we did our fingerprints last year, so we are good). We’ve been in this “journey” for quite some time, and we’ve learned some lessons along the way–especially when we’ve been in “the thick of it”. Although we’ve learned many of these lessons while we’ve been pursuing adoption, we know that many of them can be applied to many situations.
Lesson # 1: Take time to value and do what’s important and let go of the rest.
This is so much easier to say than to actually do, but it couldn’t be more true. Paperwork, inquiring on children, educating myself, reading narratives/profiles, talking to others—all of these things would never take place if I didn’t stop the other busy bullshit in my life and focus on what matters. The “busy bullshit” is just that, “busy”. Yes, sometimes it’s necessary…so check it off the list and dedicate your time to the things that matter. The things that you value and that add value to your life.
Lesson # 2: “God won’t give you more than you can handle” just isn’t true.
We’ve all heard the phrase that “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” And everyone is completely entitled to their own opinions, but I don’t agree with this statement. Life will most definitely throw things at you that you may not be able to handle and God will be there for you to lean on. I’ve had days where I have had far more than I can handle on my own as a broken human being, but my faith and the grace of God gave me strength. The journey I have been on has required far more strength than I know I possess on my own, even as a woman who is trying to live with grit and grace. Try not to think of God giving you hard experiences and instead as an opportunity to find strength through Him.
Lesson # 3: You don’t have to know where you are going to end up to embark on the journey.
I know that it makes a lot of our family uncomfortable when we say that we don’t know if we will ever have children, but honestly, it’s the truth. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t faithful. Just the opposite–we will be where we are meant to be. This doesn’t mean we are just leaving it up to sheer chance or divine intervention. What it does mean is that we are learning all we can, we are sharing what we are learning, and we are embracing the adventure–even if it seems sad, scary, thrilling, exhilarating, heart-wrenching, beautiful, and broken at times.
Lesson # 4: Laugh, Laugh, and Laugh some more.
No matter how difficult a day has been whether it be because of work, our adoption process, life in general, I don’t think I’ve ever gone a day without laughing. Eli makes it really, really easy. For example, just right now as I’m typing this, he was getting ready to go pick up some finished paperwork relating to our home study. I thought he was walking out the door. The next thing I know he is putting on a rubber glove, grabbing toilet bowl cleaner, and making me laugh hysterically. Life is too short not to laugh your way through it. Laughing through the hard times is sometimes the very, very best.
Lesson # 5: Being optimistic or positive doesn’t mean ignoring reality.
I try to be optimistic and positive. I really, really do. I love to smile and I work really hard to offer grace (although sometimes I fail royally) and attempt to see the good in people. However, I’ve learned that it’s okay to see the ugliness of a situation. It’s perfectly acceptable to feel heartbroken during tough times or when you feel let down. It’s more than okay to identify the brokenness of this world. However, try not to dwell there. The world is broken, and things get hard, and at times it may feel like you have been running up hill for years. But in that brokenness look for the beauty. It’s there. Search for it. Put a reminder on your mirror to find it–in others, in nature, in yourself.
So where are you in the “thick of it” in your life right now? I see you. I feel your worry. I know your exhaustion. Give yourself permission to invest your time in things you value. Find strength in more than just yourself. Go on the journey without worrying about where you’ll end up, and do a lot of laughing along the way. And see the beauty in the beautiful, but acknowledge the ugliness where it exists. There are so many simplex lessons to learn in this trying, very humbling, and beautiful life.
I normally try to stagger my blog posts some, but Simplexity was made to be authentic, and when I feel inclined to write, I do.
I woke up late this morning…I could tell that I just needed the rest–emotionally and physically. See, this journey, these experiences catch up with you. And my goal of this post is to give you a glimpse into what we are experiencing.
Over the last 8-9 months we have read countless profiles. It’s not just a profile. It is a child/children. A history, a background, a life. We read these and like fabric they weave a place into the tapestry that is becoming our journey. And just because they don’t become a part of our family, doesn’t mean that they don’t become a part of us and this experience.
Each time (and no, we don’t blog about them all) that we move to another step we feel invested. I know it’s hard for people to understand, but we have to. We must allow ourselves to envision our lives with these human beings as a part of it in order to honestly ask ourselves if we are the very best placement for these kids. We work very hard after a disappointment to learn from the experience, dust ourselves off, and continue to push forward. But at certain times, like this last week, it feels hard to bounce back (I should cut myself a little more slack–it’s only been 3 days). This is a normal part of the process, but it can get daunting.
We don’t talk about it often, but at times this journey can be very lonely. Although we are a part of numerous adoption groups, there is no one we personally know that has gone through our exact situation (and if you’re curious of our exact situation, please ask questions. We are very open). This is the path we have chosen, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get lonely at times.
So although I know many of you absolutely hate the freshly fallen snow on the ground right now, it feels about right to me at the current moment. Just like my range of emotions, it won’t last long. It will nourish the greening grass below and the sun will warm the earth again, exactly like it’s meant to.
Yeah, it’s like today–birds chirping, sun beaming, storm cloud looming and rain pouring. Conflicting emotions are something we are used to. Current update…we are where we are. It’s hard to give a positive or negative outlook, because it is just kind of what it is.
I know, I know….it sounds cryptic. Here’s the low down…we’ve been rejected–again (please don’t ask us to sound more positive, it is a true statement and we own it.). In the last two months we thought we were matched, to not having a match, to questioning that match, to walking away from that same match, to having a previous “potential match” resurface, to having a unique and unexpected “potential match” come about. We’ve read at least two to three more profiles in the last few weeks. We have had opportunities resurface, but they haven’t seemed to go anywhere.
The conflicting thing…how do we feel about it all? Kids having safe and loving homes is ALWAYS the best thing (and that is far more complicated than you know and understand). But that doesn’t mean that we don’t become frustrated or sad. See I’ve learned that feeling hopeless at times doesn’t mean that I’m not faithful. As an English teacher, I understand that it sounds like an oxymoron. I’m not currently optimistic, but I still remain faithful–not so much in a specific outcome, but in the fact that I will be where I am supposed to be (and let me tell you, I don’t assume that is left to mere circumstance).
So this is where we are…not hopeful but very faithful. Pretty simplex?
In this day and age, and let’s face it, this probably has been said for many years throughout history, we live in a time with many “broken systems”. I mean you’ve heard the rants:
“The foster care system is beyond broken.”
“Why can’t the school system just get it together? We are leaving kids behind.”
“The family structure is broken.”
“The healthcare system is beyond repair.”
And I could go on and on and on…
Is there some truth to all of these statements not only throughout history, but currently right now? Absolutely and without a doubt. And I agree in a lot of senses. But the problem with these statements or questions is that they merely place blame but they don’t offer any solution.
Not only am I a public school teacher, but Eli and I are currently working to adopt legally freed children (children whose parental rights have been terminated), ideally a sibling group. I understand “broken systems”, and far more than you know. But just describing something as “broken” does nothing. As a matter of fact, it points a finger at a lot of people and feels pretty defeating when you are working within or up against one.
However, when you really break things down (no pun intended), there are a lot of very hard working, passionate people that are working within and for these “broken systems”. They get up everyday and work for the people they serve, in spite of working within the confines of a broken system. And let me tell you as a participant on multiple fronts, it’s not easy. And merely identifying the systems that are broken does nothing. That’s the easy part–to identify and complain. I consider myself an activist on multiple fronts of my life because I struggle to just sit back and only identify brokenness. The ONLY benefit to identifying a “broken system” is to be able to take action and make a change.
See pursuing adoption ethically and for the right purposes is precious and beyond enlightening. It is about far more than just you and how you feel. It has reinforced and taught me to advocate for those without a voice, to pursue self-reflection and education, to inform those who surround me, to speak out loud and strong even if my voice wavers, to listen even more than I speak (this can be a struggle for me, but I’m learning), and to put my feelings aside for the betterment and greater good of those around me. It’s interesting because all of these things don’t have to have anything to do with adoption, but really have to do with choosing to be the change within a broken system rather than just identifying one.
It’s easy to get bogged down by the system, but true empowerment is found in action. So what does that mean to our current situation? As most of you know, we are still working on adding to our family through adoption, and we aren’t at the point we were about 6 weeks ago. At times it feels like we have started completely over. But we know that’s not true…we are wiser, better informed, and ready to assist in changing and bettering the system in any way we can. So what are we doing right now? Blogging, sharing our story, listening to others’ stories, educating ourselves and others and pursuing the adoption of children who are in need of a permanent home. In the future it means lobbying, continuing active involvement on multiple fronts, networking, and ensuring that every child is adequately taken care of…no matter what “system” they are involved in. See it’s easy to say that we must take care of people, but it gets pretty simplex to actually do so. I will happily take the simplex path.
Simplexity 