For the last few months I’ve felt like I’ve been standing at the edge of a dock, toes dangling over the edge, just waiting to jump into cold water. The water won’t hurt me, and I know that I’ll get used to it and my body will adjust, but I’m still a little anxious, a little scared to take the leap.

In late autumn, we had some fall out with our adoption agency and what we envisioned our future adoption looking like. I don’t know why I was surprised that our journey took a slightly different turn; I mean that’s life, right? Things happen; we adjust. I tried really, really hard to just keep moving forward, but it really had a bigger affect on me than I had planned. I’m not sure if any of you noticed the sometimes forced smile. I tried to hide the red around my eyes after thinking just a little too much on my way into work. I’m not sure if you could tell that I had a lump in my throat when you asked how our adoption was going (please, never stop asking, even if it’s not going great).

It took me awhile to work my way through some of the sadness I felt that things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. It took me awhile to get over the anger that things just weren’t easy for us. I had a storm cloud over me for a little bit. But with time my heart healed. My eyes didn’t well up with tears every time Eli brought up our adoption. I stopped being as angry that things weren’t easy. But I was not ready to figure out what to do next. I still had time. I wasn’t ready to trust another agency. I wasn’t ready to jump into the icy, cold water.

This weekend Eli and I were sitting in our kitchen talking about what to do next (adoption is always a part of our discussions in some fashion or form). And I don’t exactly have an answer for you on that one. But what I do know, and what I realized, is that I know that I don’t ever want to act out of desperation, but I also don’t want to stall out of fear. I know that I can take that next step. Bit by bit we’re starting to figure out where we will go next. We are making progress and are pretty sure of our next move. The next step is a little scary. I’m a little anxious. And I’m not quite sure how it will turn out. It’s hard to jump when that’s what you’re jumping into–uncertainty.

So what do I plan to do? I plan to take a calculated leap of faith. What is that you ask? It’s weighing our decisions. It’s looking before we leap, and then jumping with wisdom, grit, perspective, and a whole lot of faith.

~Chelsea

 

 

There isn’t anything better than finding that exact color of nail polish that you really like. There isn’t anything better than spending the first beautiful spring day outside. There isn’t anything better than singing to a song that you love as loud as you can in your car with the windows down.

Isn’t it amazing how much the little things can make all the difference in the world? Perspective is everything. Two miscarriages…and some heartache. Choosing adoption…and the unexplainable joy and affirmation that this is what we are meant to do. Choosing an agency…and just thinking of our future child/children. Leaving our agency…and feeling like we are going through a breakup. And now…continuing to head down our road (even if we’re not quite sure where it is going) to build our family through adoption. It’s been quite the road.

During the wait and decision making time of an adoption experience it can get easy for us and everyone to focus on the difficulties our journey has and will have. But I want to be really clear on our perspective. We choose to be joyful. We choose to be happy. We choose to soak in every experience and to learn as much as we can. We have already experienced so much joy in our pursuit to build our family. Yes, leaving our agency was hard but what we learned from our experience with them was invaluable. Waiting can be super frustrating at times but developing the patience that we have has been incredible, and I’m sure super useful in raising children. The wait has allowed me to research, reflect, and prepare.

In general, as humans, it’s hard for us to accept agitation, pain, feeling uncomfortable. There’s no getting around something like that; you just have to walk right through it, and that’s not such a bad thing. It’s our perspective that dictates how we feel about that agitation or pain. Our wait, this journey has hardly been painful, but at times it has agitated me. That agitation is good to an extent. It has forced me to think outside myself. It’s given me perspective. There is so much to be happy for. The beautiful day we had today. My right to share my voice and opinions with others. The sound of the spring peepers coming to life right outside our window.

As we wait to build our family, I know that someday (just not quite sure when) my child or children will come to me, and there may be some pain surrounding that (a child leaving his/her birth family is always painful, no matter the circumstance). I hope that the perspective that I have gained in my waiting will help me to be the best possible parent that I can be to my child/children.

There’s nothing better than having the windows open and listening to our earth come to life. There is nothing better than navigating the joy and simplexity of adoption.

~Chelsea

Spring has sprung! It couldn’t have come soon enough for me. I love the winter, cross-country skiing, snowshoeing, trapping, hunting, ice fishing. There is a lot for a self-proclaimed outdoorsman to keep himself busy with in the winter. I also LOVE when winter comes to an end. I’m sure I am not the only one who gets the winter blues. That is always the place I find myself in about a week into February. Thankfully not a deep dark depression, just a little bummed out. I’m sure I can attribute some of that feeling to constant need to be busy and not being able to do all of the other things that I love doing outside the rest of the year.

Yep, I’m a busy body. I love to be busy. If I’m not busy I find a way to make myself busy. If I can’t find a way to make myself busy I make a list of things that I could potentially be busy doing. Oh yeah, I’m a list person as well. Sometimes I put things on my list that I’ve already done just so I can cross them off. Feels good right? The point is I always find more things to do, either around our house, a hobby, or at work. Some of this comes from growing up on a farm where there is ALWAYS more work to do. That’s part of why I love camp because the two are the same in that way. I also have to be busy in the spring because that is the camp “ramp-up” season. You can just feel the energy increasing as we ramp up and prepare for the summer. This time of year as we look to the start of the summer there just never seems to be enough time to get everything done. My personal life is no different.

So here is what is currently on my list:

• Bury fence for garden (that darn woodchuck)
• Build steps to lake
• Chip all cut brush
• Try my hand at brewing beer
• Fix closet doors
• Finish building canoe trailer
• Clean up sticks in yard
• Get fountain running
• Reattach dock
• Fix canoes
• Finish annex (a building we are remodeling at camp)
• Router camp signs
• Paint signs
• Till garden
• Apply for deck permit
• Build deck (thanks Chelsea)
• Rebuild entrance to house

So, there are more but you get the picture. No sense boring you with the rest of my “to-do” list. Not going to lie. This list even stresses me a little. I have no doubt I will get it done this spring…that isn’t the part that stresses me. The part that stresses me is at what expense will it be to me to get this all done. I’m super thankful that Chelsea gets me so I’m not so worried there. She knows the ebbs and flows of my busyness and understands that I will be putting in some pretty long hours getting everything ready/done.

Sometimes we keep ourselves busy to avoid hard decisions. We happen to find ourselves in the midst of a very hard decision. There are so many different avenues and roads to pursue to build our family. Choosing the one that is right for us and for our future family is the hard part. So this is a question that has crossed my mind: Are you making yourself that busy to avoid this hard adoption decision?

A question I would be remiss to not ask myself. So I thought about it today. And I came to this conclusion: I’m definitely not avoiding it, I have never been more resolved that adoption is the right choice for our family, I need more patience like my wife, and this is a REALLY hard decision. Let’s not get that last point twisted in the least. This decision is one that will affect our lives and the lives of all of the other people involved in the adoption process, forever–a fact that isn’t lost on me. And guess what, this is one of those decisions that in a normal circumstance people could/would avoid making.

But this isn’t a normal circumstance is it? I don’t want anyone to confuse avoidance with discernment. You see both of those things take a long time. So while exercising discernment in our adoption we have already had some people confuse that for avoidance. This is a decision that is going to take time, prayerful consideration and lots of patience. It doesn’t mean the resolve is any less or that anyone is avoiding anything–quite the opposite in fact. We are always thinking, discussing, contemplating, educating, and praying about adoption. Which is exactly what we should be doing; you don’t just jump into this, it takes time.

We want to build our family—simple. But the way we are choosing to build our family, it’s a bit more complicated, and so much more than just adding another thing to the list.

~Eli

Recently on our vacation down south, we were able to take in a lot of sun. Beautiful beaches, 80 degree temperatures, and the sun kissing our very pale Wisconsin skin (in my case, extremely pale). I remember the first day I sat on the beach. I felt like a plant just trying to soak up as much sun as possible. I couldn’t believe how deprived my body felt of the Vitamin D it had been missing for the entirety of the Midwest winter. It was great! And then after a long day, lots of sun, and some fantastic food, we got to the place we were staying for the night. My face felt a little warm, and my shoulders stung just a bit. I looked in the mirror, and low and behold, my pale Wisconsin skin was as red as the crab legs I’d just eaten. My precious sun that I had missed for so long had given me a sunburn. Ouch!

There has been an abundance of life lessons that I have learned throughout our journey to adopt. These life lessons have been revealed to me in so many different ways. In the last few years I’ve learned what it really means to have grit. I may not have it yet, but I sure am working on it. If you’re not familiar with the term grit, it means to have “perseverance and passion for long-term goals”. I love the idea of having grit. I mean listen to how it sounds when you say it: G-R-I-T. It sounds tough, doesn’t it? Adoption and the pursuit to adopt takes grit (and a whole lot of faith). That’s not a bad thing, even though at times developing that grit can be painful. It’s easy to be passionate and to persevere during the “mountains” of an experience. You feel elated. You are driven and that passionate feeling during the good times is what propels you forward. We felt like this as we made the decision to adopt, completed our home study, and had our profile shown. It’s a little more difficult to be passionate and persevere in the valleys of an experience, but that’s where you become tenacious. That’s where you develop that grit. Sure, at times it can be painful, but with that pain the purpose of what you are pursuing becomes solidified. That’s where you really, truly, in the depths of your bones realize how worth it the journey and your goal is.

See that’s what I’m learning about this grit concept. Our adoption journey is so incredibly beautiful in the highs and lows and everything in between. Our journey has made us laugh, cry, dance, and love more than we’ve ever thought possible. Even with those tears, do you see how worth it it is?

As humans, we naturally want a blissful, peaceful, pain-free life. I mean that’s correct, right? Who walks through life hoping to get that bad sunburn? Not anyone I know. But the fact of the matter is that we don’t stay out of the sun even if we don’t use quite enough sunscreen one day. We dance in the sun. We feel the warmth on our skin, and we enjoy our Wisconsin summers no matter how sunburnt we get. How’s that for grit?

~Chelsea

 

Eli: “What’s that?”

Chelsea: “You need to keep your eyes on the road!”

Eli: “They are on the road; you know I just like to gawk and see new things.”

Eli: “Did you see that bird? I’ve never seen that one before. How about that tree? That looks like a new one.”

Chelsea: “I only care because I know you do.”

Eli: “So what should we do for our adoption?”

Chelsea:“I don’t know; we have so many choices.”

Both in unison: “We should really figure that out soon.”

Eli: “The History in Charleston is absolutely amazing. Can you even believe how old some of these buildings are and the history that is involved in them?”  

Chelsea: “The south is so cool, but they just don’t have cheese like we do.”

Both at various times: “Could you imagine if we adopted a child who was African American and traveling to the south? What would that even look like? Would we have to do things differently? There really is a lot of slave history in the south; are we prepared to deal with how to handle that?”

The point is that adoption is never far from our minds…ever. Although we take vacations and relax we are always thinking of adoption. As we should be. There are those things in our lives that are constantly on our minds. Adoption to us isn’t unique in that aspect. It is just our thing; like you have yours that you think about on a consistent basis. It is incredible how one can take a “break” from their normal lives but still remain laser focused on certain things. Again, for us that is adoption. It takes center stage. Even when it’s on the proverbial “back burner” it is still in the forefront of our minds and the tips of our tongues. You see, we relate a lot of our future experiences around “what would this be like with kids?” Just the same as many “expectant parents” do, no matter what stage that expectancy is in. The difference is that for us it is going to look different. It looks different for many, again not unique in this, but the unique part is that it isn’t “normal.” And that’s okay.   For most couples the “future planning” part comes when you are pregnant and lasts for the next nine months until your child is born. For some it’s planning before that and a long time before she gets pregnant, and you continue to plan. For others yet it is a trying, wanting and desire to get pregnant all while planning your lives with your future child that never happens. For others still it is planning, getting pregnant miscarrying (in our case twice) and trying to decide what to do. Making the decision to adopt and planning what your family will look like, and waiting, and then deciding again where to go next and continuing to plan what your family will look like.

You see, this is why it is never far from our mind, thoughts, lips, conversations. Whether on vacation or sitting at home by the fire. We think about it, we dwell on it, we try to decide what next and how. That’s okay, it’s just our story.

~ Eli

I don’t have a cutesy theme for this blog post, but I’ve got that itch tonight that I have to write. I’m sitting on my couch while Eli cooks, watching more March Madness and listening to the crackling of a fire. This should be a nice cozy night. And don’t get me wrong. In a lot of ways it is. But tonight, my skin seems to be crawling just a little. I’m unsettled and slightly agitated. I’m sure for various reasons you’ve all been here.

This is a feeling I’ve slowly but surely started to get used to. Do you know what it is?

Uncertainty. I’m sure many of you have been curious where we are heading next on our path to grow our family through adoption. I wish I had an answer for myself, let alone you. I just don’t know right now. As a matter of fact, I don’t really even have a clue. It’s not for a lack of trying. This can be a hard place to sit in.

Eli is so good at just going along for the ride. Don’t get me wrong, the wait and uncertainty for him is difficult too, but he is unwavering. He knows we will make decisions when we need to, and he is confident that those decisions will be just right. Eli’s faith and confidence are just a few of the many qualities I love about him.

I’m 100% confident that we are supposed to adopt. I’m 100% confident that we are right where we should be, even if the feeling of uncertainty is uncomfortable. I’ve grown used to some of that, but it still can be upsetting at times. I’m a planner. I like to know where I’m heading and how I’m going to get there. However, I’m realizing that this just isn’t going to be the case for our journey, and that’s okay. I can feel unsettled by it, but I’ll keep trucking along.

Uncertainty is hard. You want to know the funny thing…as I wrote this post I was even uncertain of what to write about. What’s ironic is that we can be so uncertain about things that we are so sure about. How’s that for simplex?

 

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The decent into madness is upon us. March Madness…if you had no previous knowledge it sounds like the worst case of spring fever you have ever heard of. It’s not. It’s that time of year when we make sure we have a good view for the games, all of the snacks we can ask for, and our brackets filled out and entered. It has turned into something that everyone can get involved in regardless of age or gender. Even Chelsea fills out a bracket, granted based on what team has a better mascot (just kidding, full disclosure she beat me last year) and she sits on the edge of her seat waiting for that upset. I can remember as a kid getting scolded for gambling in study hall as I combed over my bracket and counted the ensuing scores that came in.

It was almost a full year ago that we were getting ready for an adoption party at camp during March Madness (thanks Brian and Tammy for an amazing party). I remember talking about it, before we decided we wanted one, being totally clueless about what to do or even whether or not to have one. We wanted something different. Microbrew was a must, education was a must, and a celebration with friends was a must. But it’s still different. You see, we know our circumstance was and is different. It wasn’t a baby shower; we didn’t want it to be a baby shower. But we made the decision to expand our family through adoption–eventually, hopefully, God willing. That should be celebrated. We decided we wanted to do something–even if it is awkward for people — shoot, it’s even a little awkward for me, or at least was, not so much anymore. Sounds simple; we do the home study, wait, have an adoption party because we are going to have a baby in a year, and wait again, bring home a beautiful little baby. How many of you thought that same thing? It’s okay if you did. (Told you we would keep it real)   Sounds simple…not so much.

This is the part of the blog that continues to keep it real. The adoption party was fun; it was a good time. We drank, watched basketball, and visited with friends. Everything that we wanted and… I don’t know if we would do it again. You see, I know more now than I knew then. I feel like we have had a lifetime of education as it relates to adoption in the last year. I know it isn’t true and there is ALWAYS more to learn on topic but that’s how it feels. Those lessons, hardships, happy times, ups and downs affect how we think about the past. For that matter the future too. As they should.

So if I did it over again I don’t know if I would have another party. It feels weird to me now. We don’t know how long it will be before we adopt kids. We don’t know if we will adopt siblings. We don’t know if we will even adopt a baby. I don’t know a lot of things that I thought I once did and that’s okay. It’s okay to be unsure, undecided, unknowing, unresolved, unclear. I’ll tell you what I am though, it’s unwavering. I’ve learned a little awkwardness is okay, a little not knowing is okay, and a little murkiness is acceptable. I’ve learned to embrace it, grow from it and make decisions based on it.

Brace yourself; more realness ahead. Even though I’m not sure we would have another adoption party, I am really glad we did it. We had a really good time. We needed it–Chelsea needed it. She won’t ever have a “normal” baby shower. I’ll pause to let that sink in……………………………………………………………………… that’s a big deal. Even I know that’s a big deal and we’ve discussed my level of emotional intelligence ad nauseam. How many of you make an obscenely big deal out of baby showers? You’ve seen, heard about, and experienced showers since you were young. I don’t mean being excited, that of course is fine. I mean make such a big deal of it you do so at the complete expense and neglect of everyone’s feelings and experiences. (Not that it is your intention) It’s like a wedding; imagine wanting one and never being able to have it, and then being a maid of honor ten times over. ESPECIALLY as a woman. Just remember there is still a lot of potential unknown swirling around those celebrating your big day. Baby showers might be hard for some people. They might really be needed by others. Not knowing everyone’s circumstance is fine…not really caring is not, regardless of the day.

So as I refresh my browser to catch the latest scores, March Madness means something totally different to me. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bracket filled out, and am on the edge of my seat with anticipation of an upset. It’s just that I have learned from my experiences, and the unknown. They have taught me to stay the course, accept what I cannot change, be empathetic to others and their situations and be thankful for what I have. And that is just the very tip of the iceberg (The meaning of March Madness also hopefully includes a perfect bracket).

Simplexity is real…the two coincide well with each other. But sometimes the most simplex topics can be offensive. If you took offense to any of this post it was not meant to be that way. My intention is not to offend. Irritate and agitate in order to learn and reflect is fine…I meant to do that.

~Eli

I’m 5’2”. I’m SUPER loud. I value not only my education, but also the education of others. I believe strongly in standing up for the things I believe in and for others. I feel that I am a great partner to Eli. I’ve had two miscarriages. I will be a mother through adoption not biology. These are just a few of the reasons why I am damn proud to be a woman.

Hey all you ladies out there! It’s hard being a woman sometimes, right? But how proud are you of being one? And you should be. It’s funny, isn’t it, that we live in the 21^st century and society still puts an incredible amount of pressure on being a woman. Think of the questions a woman gets:

–Are you EVER going to get married? (I mean, hey, maybe she is happy being single, or just hasn’t found the right person.)

-You don’t breastfeed? (Maybe she doesn’t want to. Maybe she doesn’t produce enough milk.)

-What do you mean you don’t want children? (Maybe that isn’t what she wants. She may and more importantly can be absolutely satisfied without children. Or maybe she wants them more than anything, and hasn’t been able to get pregnant.)

It’s funny because I’ve felt the weight of these questions without ever necessarily being asked a one of them. Eli and I waited quite some time to attempt to biologically have children. To be honest, we weren’t sure if we wanted to have children. It’s amazing at times how much that can baffle people, but we weren’t about to succumb to societal pressure. We stood firm and waited until we were ready and certain. And then we had two miscarriages. Approximately one out of about five women will experience a miscarriage, but the interesting thing is that we don’t talk about it much in our society. The real sentiment seems to be that you get past it and hope to get pregnant again. This is a lot of pressure to go through as a woman. Not only emotionally but physically as well.

I’ll never have the belly. I won’t breastfeed (Yes, I know that it’s possible even with adoptions. But nope, I’m not doing it). Heck, I may not even ever have a newborn. I put on a brave face a lot, but I’ll tell you, the pressure is hard. See, I’m not necessarily sad about not having any of these things, but I do feel the weight of being in a society that doesn’t always embrace, nor understand, that as a woman, as a person, we can and should and sometimes have to do things differently.

So on the eve of International Women’s Day, I am damn proud to be a woman.

It can be just that simplex because as Maya Angelou said, “I am a woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me.”

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When we first started this blog we said we would be as truthful as we can be so here it is. This isn’t a fun one to write but it is nothing less than true.

We have heard so many people who admire our relationship. We hear it all the time. You guys are great together; you are so strong, you’re tough, we can really tell that you are best friends. All of these things are true but guess what, we are normal. A normal couple just trying to survive this crazy mixed up world just like everyone else. You want a glimpse into our lives; well you’ve got it. News flash, we argue. No, it’s not “having a discussion” as our parents would lead us to believe when we were younger. It’s a real argument. It’s also not that bad. It’s not a knock down drag out sort of fight. It’s more of a “we’re not on the same page” sort of argument. So before you go and start suggesting counseling or therapy we aren’t there just yet. Not that there is anything wrong with that. And I’m sure counseling is in our family’s future.

So today was “one of those days.” You know the kind I’m talking about. Where you just aren’t on the same page and no amount of beer will get you there. You know when you are trying to say something to your significant other and they are trying to say something to you and you just don’t get each other. Same can be said about times with siblings or parents or supervisors or whomever it is you may communicate with in life.

Chelsea and I rarely (and remember you get full disclosure with me) fight. It’s true. Sometimes we get frustrated with one another but we rarely fight. And truth be told today wasn’t a fight. It was a frustration that we communicate differently. You see, I don’t really talk about feelings or anything that is considered close to a feeling. (Refer to previous post for more info) So when I try to express myself it just doesn’t come out right. Think BP’s 2010 oil spill PR bad.

A normal couple may bicker about when or if they are going to have children. Now please don’t get me wrong or think that I am making light of that discussion. That is an enormous decision and life-changing event that should be discussed, bickered about, prayed on, and navigated before jumping right in. That is a colossal decision. It’s a little more difficult in our situation though. We made that decision…a long time ago. We waited until the timing was right for us. It didn’t turn out so well. (Again see previous blog entry) We made another decision shortly after that; to adopt. That decision was/still is the right decision. Choose a route, and an agency; done. Again, didn’t go so well. Now we are stuck with an additional decision and it gets even harder. What now? Private, public, what age child?, open to special circumstances?, siblings?, how many?, race?, drug use during pregnancy?, private?, public?, foster care?, Wisconsin?, other states?, international?. The list could continue but you get the picture. It is not an easy decision. All of these things need to be talked about, discussed, pondered and decided upon. Just like the decision of whether or not and when to have children should be met with greatest of discernment, each of these things we have to decide are equally important to us. It takes time, understanding, fantastic communication, empathy, and delicate care to figure each of these out. And that makes it hard.

I know that for our family, friends and even me we just want a decision or a “here are all the answers you are looking for.” But the more I get into adoption the more I realize the answers just aren’t that easy. A conclusion my wonderful wife has come to far earlier than this. (Hence the difference in communication)

Okay so there it is. How is that for leaving you hanging? No resolution, no clear answers, no further direction. That’s just how it is…decisions like this are not to be made lightly. There isn’t anything I would say I would like to fight with my wife about, but I NEVER want to fight with her about adoption. It’s our thing; it’s where we are, it’s where we want to be. We are both passionate about it and are open to so many different things. There are lots of things that still need to be communicated about regarding our adoption. And that’s okay. We will talk about them, discuss them, and heck maybe even argue once or twice more.

Simplex enough for you?

~Eli

One of the things that I love about living in Wisconsin is that we get to fully experience four seasons. I know, I know, I must be crazy talking about that on a day when it is the first day in March and we had snow all day. In all honesty though, I truly love the seasons here in Wisconsin. Always changing, yet somehow constant in the anticipated change. Can’t this be true to the seasons throughout our lives?

A year ago today we were signed onto a private domestic agency. We were home study licensed. We had stars in our eyes and a skip in our step. Our profile had even been shown. Flash forward to now and we have cut complete ties with our agency (let me tell you, it’s like a break up), our home study has expired, and we aren’t quite sure where we are heading (although, don’t let us fool you…we have a hunch). Sounds awful, right?

Newsflash! It’s not. We can feel that our seasons are changing. Having grown up in the Midwest my entire life, I know how hard winter can be. Long, dark days. Bitter cold temperatures. Hazardous driving conditions. But for those of you who live in the Midwest, would spring be as sweet? The very first day of spring when the sun kisses your skin. The smell of wet asphalt after a warm spring rain. The very first tiny buds on the trees. The sign that Mother Earth is coming to life again. This is like our journey. Throughout our winter, which at times felt very long and very dark, we laid low. We nestled in. Hey, some may say we even hibernated (sorry to those of you who haven’t seen us in quite some time). But we are waking up. We are feeling renewed and refreshed. We are ready to head into our spring.

The seasons are always changing, but we can always count on the change. Thank God for that.

The Mamas and The Papas said it quite well, “To everything-turn, turn turn. There is a season-turn, turn, turn. And a time for every purpose under heaven.”

~Chelsea