People say that a picture is worth a thousand words. Man, this picture is pretty crazy, right? What emotions or thoughts does it evoke out of you?

Aww, I feel so bad for them.

Why can’t they just have a baby?

Maybe when they adopt they’ll get pregnant.

Yay! This is so cool! 

I can’t wait to sleep in Eli and Chelsea’s guest bedroom and relive my glory days in bunk beds! 

You know the saying, “You know what A-S-S-U-M-E-ing does?” Well there’s a reason for that statement. It gets easy, even for me, in adoption to assume how hopeful adoptive parents, first parents, and adoptees feel about adoption. The interesting thing is it’s like anything in life. It’s different for different people, so best idea–ask!

What I can tell you is this…when I look at these pictures it makes me so happy and a little sad all at the same time, but not probably for the reasons you think. It makes me happy because I know that’s exactly how that room should look now. I love it. It makes me happy because I had so many people love Eli and I enough to allow us the opportunity to oogle and ahh over cutesy baby stuff. It makes me a little bit sad because I know that some of my happiness will be due to my future children’s loss, as well as their first family’s loss.

I think it gets easy to assume, as supportive family and friends, that Eli and I are in a super tough spot. I think it gets easy to assume that we really want or hope for a biological child. I think it gets easy to assume that this way of building our family is just too hard or too long. I think it gets easy to assume that Eli and I haven’t thought about, educated ourselves, prayed about as many aspects of our decisions as possible. Let me reassure you on a few things:

• We are not, will not, are not planning or wanting, to be quite frank, to have biological children. This is by choice. OUR choice. Not because we can’t. We made this choice a while ago, and are not only happy with our choice, but know that we are people who are choosing to adopt to build our family.
• Yes, the road is a little tough, but please don’t feel sorry for us. Isn’t labor tough? Isn’t adding to a family tough? Isn’t life at times a little tough? But it’s beautiful, right? The bumps are what make the trip memorable.
• Time is amazing. We as humans always want things right now. But guess what? That’s not always what is best. This time, reflection, etc. has offered us an opportunity to really listen and feel where we are supposed to be. So although some may feel bad for us, we are feeling quite content at what we are pursuing and where we are right now.

We love and appreciate you all. But rest assured, we knew this road would be long. We will take all of the prayers, well wishes, questions, and love that we can get. So, whether it be a crib and cutesy baby clothes or a good ole’ fashioned set of bunk beds, we are going to be fine, just trust us when we say it.

~Chelsea

 

In Wisconsin we can count on the seasons changing, right? I mean yes, we had some pretty amazing weather all the way up to October (and some more even may be on the way), but let’s face it, we know fall and winter are coming. In the last four days the leaves have started that shift from the vibrant green to those amazing golds, fire reds, and burnt oranges. It’s stunning. As the rain continues to fall the leaves will fall with them, and we will be left with bare branches once again. I miss the leaves and green during the winter. But I take some solace that after a few sloppy, soggy spring days the tree’s branches will be peppered with beautiful buds once again.

We get it. It’s been a long time. It’s like we took a complete hiatus from our blog. Let’s face it; some of you are probably wondering if we took a complete break from planning our adoption. No new agency. No new home study. Seems as if we are at a stand still, doesn’t it?

Life has been crazy busy. And although on the outside it may look like we haven’t made any concrete moves towards building our family, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. There is so much that the outside perspective doesn’t see on our movement towards building our family. We’ve been up to a lot the last six months. We’ve truly dug in and explored how we feel about domestic infant adoption. We’ve looked at various agencies and have taken a good hard look at whether or not we are willing to possibly never raise an infant. As we’ve learned, we’ve started to look more closely into adopting sibling groups who are legally freed children from public agencies. We’ve looked at the work it may take to cross state lines. We’ve drafted emails and discussed the positives of having children who are biologically related to one another, while still practically and objectively looking at the difficulties of taking on multiple children at once. We’ve taken a good hard look at early childhood trauma, and the role that that will play in our children’s lives and in ours. We’ve taken webinars, read countless articles, and listened to all parts of the adoption triad to gain new insight and knowledge. We’ve prayed, leaned on each other (like we always do), and have absorbed as much knowledge as possible.

See, it’s kind of like those trees. They look pretty bare in the winter, but you know something is working inside them enough to produce buds after the thaw of the winter and the warmth of the spring. Trust us. We’re moving. We aren’t at a standstill. The further and further we get into this process the more and more we realize that it isn’t our time. And thank God for that…because although this path has been hard and the wait can be tough, we’ve needed the time to be the very best family we can be for our future child/children. So it’s as simple as knowing that the leaves will come and complex as wondering how they change to all those beautiful colors right before falling.

~Chelsea

 

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous. I must have paused at least five or six times to feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I think it was my subconscious telling me to enjoy it before we go into our colorful fall and then our Wisconsin Winter Wonderland. The last few months has been full of jarring, surprising, devastating, and crazy news across our country. Nazi rallies, changes to policy, two hurricanes, devastating wild fires. The list goes on and on.

Today I took a moment to realize just how truly blessed I am. I am so thankful, so blessed to have the life that I have. I am married to a man who is my absolute best friend and my eternal soul mate (may sound cheesy, but it couldn’t be anymore true). I have a home that I love, and I look out my window to beautiful nature and to the sound of children’s laughter. I have a job that I love, and I work with incredibly amazing and talented people who care so much about our children’s future. I am so fortunate to have a family, both on my side and on Eli’s, who is close, supportive, loving, and full of amazing individuals. My life is blessed.

The adoption Eli and I are pursuing is such an incredible blessing. The irony sometimes of the idea that my future child/children will experience such loss, but I will experience and have experienced so much gain is mind blowing to me. This experience has given me humility. It’s humbled me. I know I’ve said it in previous posts, but I truly see the world through a different lens. A better lens. I know I am better because of this journey.

Today while I was sitting in church our pastor had a sermon about blessings. He said that God doesn’t bless us for our own gain; rather he blesses us to be a blessing for others. Isn’t that beautiful? It can really change one’s perspective. I thought long and hard about this today as I enjoyed a gorgeous fall afternoon. Our adoption path has been an absolute privilege, a true blessing. And the family I will have, regardless of the difficult circumstances or scenarios, will be an absolute blessing to me. I know this with every fiber of my being. Could you imagine what this country, this world would look like if we became blessings to each other? What a beautiful thing!

So tonight I simply feel blessed by the sunset, but tugging in the back of my mind is the complexity of how people are dealing with such devastation in the wake of hurricanes and fires. I’m determined to help in someway.  So grateful to be blessed to be a blessing.

~Chelsea

I know it’s been a long time since we’ve done a blog post. Even amidst adding to our family, life gets busy. We’ve recently had the end of another fantastic summer camp season, are gearing up to start the next school year, and took a much needed mini-vacation to our favorite little city—Duluth. But it doesn’t mean that adoption has been far from our minds; I mean let’s face it—it never is.

It’s hard to believe that it has now been over two years since we first embarked on our journey to adopt. It’s amazing how much things have changed, how much I have changed. We’ve chosen to be very open on our thoughts, feelings, and experiences regarding adoption, so we wanted to take a little time to update you.

1. We are not dragging our feet just to drag our feet. I know many of you have asked where we are now in the process, and unfortunately, lately we’ve had to say “nowhere”. It’s hard to explain where we are. We decided to let our home study lapse in late February because we weren’t exactly sure where we wanted to write our next home study. We are still currently in the process of figuring that out. From our understanding in the state of Wisconsin we cannot hold a public and private home study license at the same time, so in return, we want to be very sure of the next decision we make. We have expressed interest in both the private and public sector of adoption, but do not have an interest in pursuing international adoption. Every article we read, agency we call, conversation we have is continuing to bring us closer and closer to making our next move.
2. This is our first choice. I really wanted to spend some time to clarify this. We are not second-guessing adoption. Yes, we had two miscarriages, but we most definitely could have exhausted other biological options. We chose not to. We are not hesitant about our choice to adopt, and yes, it is a choice. I think this confuses some people. Yes, at times I get a little “weepy” that Eli and I will never see a child who has my eyes and his chin, but that’s just me being a little selfish—having a weak moment. But let’s be 100% clear, I get more “weepy” that my child someday will not be able to see his/her eyes and chin in Eli and I, or that he or she will feel pain because he/she is not with his/her first family. Adoption is rooted in loss…not mine, but my future child’s. They are losing their first family, and no, I don’t feel defensive about that. It’s the truth. This journey has taught me so much. It’s taught me to put my own ego aside. Why is it so hard for us to believe that a child can love more than one family, when parents can love more than one child? So let me reiterate, adoption is not a second choice for us, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t understand the loss that surrounds adoption. It’s not sunshine and rainbows, but it’s real and rooted in love. A love that is so strong that you would lower your walls, put away your ego, and learn about the good, the bad, and ugly surrounding adoption.
3. The wait is okay. That sentence may seem a bit confusing because it is. Of course I never thought that I would have to wait this long to adopt a child/children, but I have learned to trust in God’s timing, not mine. And I’m so thankful I have. In our experience we went through a honeymoon phase of pursuing adoption, trying to equate it to “expecting” our first child. Man, I look back on those moments and they are totally cringe worthy. It’s not the same at all, and I am completely fine with that. The wait time we have had has allowed me to really open my eyes to the reality that is adoption. It’s helped me to develop more grit. It’s allowed me to learn so much so that I can be the very best parent to my future child/children. See parenting a child through adoption is different than parenting a child biologically. It requires humility, knowledge, advocacy for your child’s needs far before your own, and a deep understanding of how they came to you—through loss. I know that those things can be compared to biologically raising a child too, but when applied to adoption it’s a bit different. So, as we wait, I choose to be grateful for the wait and to absorb as much knowledge as I can, so that I can be the best parent for my future child/children.
4. Although we may get sad sometimes, we really are happy. I think sometimes when Eli and I have a rough moment, or I get a little sad, people assume that our wait or our adoption story is a sad thing. It’s not and we’re not. We are so happy and so unbelievably in love. Yes, we have our moments where the wait is hard, or we feel sadness surrounding the realization that my child will hurt, deeply hurt, because of the loss of his/her biological family. But we should hurt over those things, and just because we do doesn’t mean we are sad about where we are or our decision. In no way whatsoever will our future child/children be lucky to have us. We are the privileged ones, we are the blessed ones, and we don’t take that lightly. Jody Landers said it perfectly with, “Children born to another woman call me ‘Mom’. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” This quote sums up adoption perfectly.

So simply speaking we are learning, waiting, and happy.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I sat in awe in front of the television wondering how in the world I could be watching Nazi salutes, white supremacy, swastikas, and people justifying it. And as it unfolded in front of America’s eyes and mine it got worse and worse and worse—people being run over, lack of leadership and lack of condemnation by leaders, and people still justifying. I scoured over articles and looked at people’s comments, and people were still justifying it. Do you hear that? Let me say it again—PEOPLE ARE STILL JUSTIFYING IT. My eyes are open, and I feel sad.

You may wonder what in the world this has to do with Eli and I adopting a child or children. Well, let me tell you. It has everything to do with us adopting, with us living, with our day-to-day tasks, with who I am as an individual. Let me tell you what I’ve learned about white privilege and racism as I have ventured down this path called adoption. Early in our journey to adopt we decided that we would most definitely be open to a transracial adoption. You may wonder why someone wouldn’t be open. Well, there are many reasons—lack of resources to strongly support the child/children’s culture, lack of representation in community of child/children’s culture and racial background, fear, among other things. When we decided to be open to transracial adoption it wasn’t because we thought we had all the answers. It was because we knew we had very few, but we were willing to do everything possible to educate ourselves. And our waiting game has allowed us to do just that.

I’ve always considered myself a person who is open to all people regardless of race, gender, sexual preference, religious views, etc. But I don’t think I’ve ever really taken a good, hard look at my own white privilege. Throughout my life I’ve stood up against and been vocal about blatant racism—racial slurs, jokes, etc. In the last year I’ve found myself thinking things like:

If I had a child of color I would comment on someone talking about being colorblind to race. To not see color is to not recognize differences. The differences are okay; the biases to those differences are not.

If I had a child of color I would comment on someone talking about “those people” and “people like them” when talking about individuals of color living in high crime, impoverished areas.

If I had a child of color I would be sure to attend more diverse experiences and meet people of all different races, backgrounds, etc.

If I had a child of color I would be even more active in confronting racism, bigotry, and hate by protesting, speaking out, and leading by example.

Do you know what’s wrong with this? The “if I had a child of color…then I would…”.This couldn’t exemplify any more my own white privilege. It should not take me entertaining adopting a child of color to think this way. I should, I NEED to be reacting this way all of the time. Because let’s face it, this is the very mentality that many white people have when discussing their thinking, actions, and views towards race. This is why we are where we are right now. I am a part of the problem, and as scary as it is for me to say it, my guess is so are you. We can’t wait to learn and open our eyes to what has been alive in America for much longer than we would like to admit…it is sadly tightly woven into the very fibers of this country that I love so much. And it makes my heart ache.

We have got to stop turning a blind eye to things that are difficult to see. It’s like a child covering his or her eyes and thinking that because they can’t see anything, no one can see them. I’ve always wondered what I would do in Nazi Germany during the Holocaust. Would I hide a family? Would I help children? Or what I would have done during the Civil Rights Movement. Would I participate in sit-ins? Would I march for equality even if it came with a risk? Would I close my eyes? Hope it would go away…that someone else would do something? I want to be on the right side of history and when it comes to racism you’re damn right there is a right side—always. Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor, said, “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

See, it’s as simple as knowing racism is bad, but as complex as standing up and actually doing something about it.

~Chelsea

So my life is currently journeying through “adoption world”. There are all sorts of different reasons as to how someone and their family came to the decision to adopt and often those reasons are not cut and dry or black and white. Eli and I have been very open about our story, not to speak for all families who are waiting to adopt or who have adopted, but to merely share our story and to give a different perspective.

At times in my journey to adopt I’ve felt stuck a bit between two worlds—the infertility world and the I was never going to have biological children. I was always going to adopt world. Why have I felt stuck between these two worlds? Well, because they are in many cases opposite ends of the spectrum in the world of adoption, and what many people think of when someone shares that they are planning to adopt. At times it hurts to see another baby shower invitation. At times I couldn’t be happier to hear about someone else expecting. At times I feel guilty that I didn’t spend years upon years going through fertility struggles. While other times I rejoice in the journey I’ve had even though it’s been hard. At times I’m looking for what “world” I belong in.

See, I don’t quite fit into the full infertility world. I could get pregnant. I mean I did—twice. It always makes me giggle a bit when people say, “Well, once you adopt, I bet you’ll get pregnant without even trying.” That’s not the problem, and at this point in my life, I have no desire to get pregnant. And yes, I know things can happen, but trust me when I say they won’t. My heart aches for women who just desperately want to conceive and can’t. I can only imagine the pain of getting another baby shower invite. Or the sting of the jokes—“Have fun practicing.” Or “When you stop trying then you’ll get pregnant.” Women who experience this are warriors. I feel some similar pains, but I don’t fully fit into this world.

I also didn’t have a crazy number of miscarriages. I had two. And for us, we decided that was enough. I’m sure people have thought, Well, it’s only two. You could keep trying. It’s not that many. But the fact is, it was enough for us. We didn’t pursue testing…there was no need. We weren’t heading down that route anymore. Early on in my pregnancies I had plenty of blood work, sometimes I felt like a pincushion. And guess what…all my blood work was great! Sometimes things just happen. And two was enough. See, I don’t feel like I fully fit into this world either.

Eli and I are approaching our 10-year wedding anniversary. Crazy, right? He is the love of my life. We both always had a passion for working with children. I mean let’s face it, camp director and teacher; children are our life. But to be honest, it took us a long time to decide if we ever wanted to expand our family. We loved our life together, and weren’t necessarily desperately yearning to have children as soon as we were married. It wasn’t all we ever wanted. Sometimes this makes me feel guilty, and I know that I don’t fit into this world. I never thought, All I ever want is to be a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be a mom now in the worst way, but it took me a long time to get here. I don’t quite fit into this world either.

Eli and I had talked early on in our marriage about adoption. If we were to expand our family we were fairly certain that at some time we would do it through adoption. We were willing to educate ourselves (which is a must in adoption world), and our family had already been touched by adoption. However, we did think early on that we would have a biological child as well. See some families know from the very start that they will never have biological children. They make a conscious decision that the only way they will expand their family will be through adoption. Although we know we are exactly where we are supposed to be and the only way we will expand our family now is through adoption, we weren’t always in that place. See, we don’t fully fit into that world either.

The fact of the matter is there isn’t one category or reason as to why someone chooses to adopt. For many families it’s complicated and super unique to their situation. And while I don’t fit into any one “world”, that’s okay. Starting a family is complicated. Starting a family through adoption, in many ways, can be even more complicated. And that’s okay. As long as there are people who are willing to learn, listen, and support, I’m fine with not sitting in just one “world”. I know I’m right where I belong. It’s very easy to assume but much more difficult to dig deeper for the full story.

~Chelsea

Were you aware that your fingerprint is solely unique to you? Completely your own—no two finger prints are the same. I mean as a matter of fact, identical twins don’t even have the same fingerprints. Human experience and how humans respond to experience never ceases to amaze me. Experiences are kind of like fingerprints.

So how does this relate to adoption? There are roughly 135,000 adoptions that happen every year. Eli and I have had the opportunity to talk to many people who have been impacted by adoption. Eli has two brothers who are adopted, we’ve talked to countless adoption professionals, read hundreds and hundreds of articles (maybe close to a thousand now), been in two adoption communities, and have talked to other parents who have adopted. The interesting thing is each adoption story is unique, and it’s almost never cut and dry. There is not a singular common “adoption story”. There are adoptions that go super fast. There are some that go very slow. There are some adoptees who are very angry about their experience with adoption. There are some families who have very open relationships with their child’s birth parents. See…the point I’m trying to make is that adoption experiences are about as unique as a fingerprint. Just because someone in someone’s family once adopted and had a horrible experience doesn’t mean that all adoptions are rough. And just because someone’s sister-in-law’s cousin adopted a baby in a month doesn’t mean that all adoptions through that agency will go fast.

As I’ve continued down this path, I’ve learned that I have fewer answers and many more questions. That may seem frustrating to you, but it’s taught me to open up my eyes–to listen sometimes more than I talk, and let’s face it, that can be pretty tough for someone like me. I’ve learned that nothing is as easy as it seems, and no, I’m not talking about Eli and I waiting to find our child/children. What I’m talking about is I view people and their actions differently. I’m less quick to judge and more eager to help. I feel deep and strong empathy for people in various situations. I don’t have to go through the “same experience” as someone else to stand up for what is right. Just because something doesn’t directly impact me doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be a voice for those who are impacted. And again, how does this relate to adoption? Experiences are unique, just like fingerprints. It’s simple to say that I have grace, humility, grit, and faith when going through my experiences and understanding the experiences of others, but it’s a little more complex to put all of those things into action in every aspect of my life. I’m working on it each and every day because I know it’s better for my future child/children, their birth/first parents, my community, and my impact on the world.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remember back to the days of tests in college? Or how about high school for that matter? I don’t think anyone is the biggest fan of tests, myself included. Maybe you are still in school and you still have to do tests. Or have tests in your job or at home in one way or another.

Although I don’t remember being a fan of those test, I do remember being a fan of those teachers who gave us hints of what was going to be on those tests. You know the ones I’m referring to. Those teachers that “discretely” cleared their throat when telling you a fact or figure to remember. Or how about this, “You REALLY need to know that prophase is the first and longest stage of mitosis.” Or…the ever clever, “hint, hint, wink, wink this will be on the test.” For me being able to know something ahead of time about what was coming made a huge difference on how I worked, prepared and studied for the upcoming exam.

Of course those tests don’t end when we graduate high school and move on to college, or graduate college and move on to life. So what gets us through those tests that life throws at us? What makes us able to get through those “pop quizzes”? What about that exam that we have been studying for but just seems to take a really long time to finish?

Well, guess what? I think we can prepare ahead of time. We can get the occasional hint to help us make sure the outcome is what we need it to be.

Question 1: Am I in control? That one seems easy right now and the answer is a resounding NO. I have over the past few years and through our adoption experience realized that I am nowhere near in control of what will happen and when it will happen. I have had to give that control over to God. I know that there are certain things within my control during the process but the majority of this process is defined by my faith. Hint, hint, wink, wink…this is on the test.

Question 2: Can I be prepared for what is about to come? This one gets a little harder. I think there are a lot of ways that this answer can be yes and a lot of ways this answer can be no. There are times that I think that I am fully prepared to adopt…and an equal number of times that I think I don’t have any of the answers figured out. I know I have an exponential amount of learning to do when it comes to adoption. I do think I can prepare for this test ahead of time…that doesn’t mean it won’t be a difficult test. The phrase “You REALLY need to know this” has already been said to me more than a dozen times when it comes to the journey of adoption. And I know I will be forever grateful to that “teacher”.

Okay…so the questions are getting progressively harder.

Question 3: Am I willing to wait faithfully until it happens? This one might be the hardest question of all. Sometimes my tests take me to places where, honestly, I see no way to work through it. No way for me to conceive a workable solution. When those times happen, when that doubt creeps in, when I feel like putting down my pencil I think to myself, am I willing to wait? This one is hard to get a “heads up” on, or to study for, and certainly no one is clearing their throat trying to give me a heads up. This is one of those questions in life we just need to power through. Are you willing to wait? Am I willing to wait? Wait for that adoption, that child, that right situation. I can tell you that answer is yes, but it isn’t always an easy question to answer. The answer has become obvious but not without a lot of studying and hard work to make it that way.

So the test isn’t over. For any of us. I have tests, you have tests, and we all do of different varieties I’m sure. The test that is happening in my life right now is adoption. So I need to constantly remind myself: I am not in control, I can prepare (but only so much) for what is to come and I AM willing to wait faithfully until it happens. What are the questions on your test? How can you get the “heads up” on what is going to be on the test. I don’t know about you but I would rather be prepared than not.

~Eli

 

 

Many of you who have been following our story know that we’ve been Sitting, Waiting, Wishing, and learning for quite some time now. It’s been approximately four months since our home study lapsed, and we are in the process of choosing a private agency to pursue domestic infant adoption. I’m sure to some of you it may seem as if we are dragging our feet on making a decision…on jumping into our next opportunity. And guess what? Maybe we are.

It’s funny. The other day Eli and I had lunch, and as we sipped our delicious beers on the banks of the Milwaukee River we talked about how far we’ve come. I know that with our story, even with some of the blog posts we write, it can get easy to focus on some of the trials and tribulations of our journey, of this journey. As we chatted, I looked over at the river. Boy, the water was really high. There were even some big rocks and branches in the water, but it didn’t stop the water from flowing. The water moved right over, under, and around those obstacles. The ripples and waves those obstacles made were quite beautiful.

As we reflected and took in the beautiful scenery, we laughed a lot. We talked about how naïve we were when we first started. We chose our agency, felt secure, waited, and things ended a little rough. But thank God that we weren’t chosen during that time…we needed, I needed, more time to learn. We completed all of our paperwork in record time. And thank God we know what we are in for this next time. The wait has been hard, but bottom line I thank God for it. Not for my sake, but for our future child’s sake and for his/hers first family’s sake. We owe it to them to be fully educated and as prepared as possible.

Now I know that may just sound like an overly cautious excuse. I can hear some of you thinking Just jump already, Eli and Chelsea. You’ll be great parents. And I do appreciate the sentiments, but adoption isn’t just something you wing. And I know I won’t be perfect, no parent is. But my child as well as our child’s first/birth family deserves adoptive parents who are ready with eyes wide open.

So as tough as it is to wait, do you know what I’ve learned?

I’ve learned that love is not enough. It just isn’t.

I’ve learned that waiting isn’t always bad.

I’ve learned that you can take a leap of faith without leaping blindly.

I’ve learned much, much more about white privilege and how that changes my perspective on the world.

I’ve learned that there isn’t always enough support for birth mothers and fathers.

I’ve learned that adoption is not merely waiting until you “get your child”. It’s wrapped up in trauma, loss, and a lack of resources.

I’ve learned the importance of finding an ethical agency, not just for us, but also more importantly for expectant mothers and fathers (people who are pregnant and still deciding if they will place).

I’ve learned that when many people think of adoption they think of it with a “savior” mentality. “Oh how nice of them to give that child a good upbringing.” This is hurtful and adoption is not a means to “save” someone.

I’ve learned that in the realm of adoption, but also life, knowledge is absolutely power.

This barely scratches the surface of what I’ve learned. You see, there have been obstacles, much like those branches and rocks in the Milwaukee River, but our hunger for knowledge and desire to be informed parents allows us to go under, over, and around them. And instead of being something ugly and super hard, it can actually be quite beautiful.

So thank you Jack Johnson; we’ve been Sitting, Waiting, and Wishing, but with a purpose—to learn.

To do things as well and as right as we possibly can. We appreciate the wait of each step, but we know we will take our next step exactly when we need to. If only it were as simple as just being patient.

~Chelsea

 

 

I remember when Chelsea first told me that she was pregnant. I was deer hunting and I got out of the woods and had at least 15 texts about needing to call her and at least 6 missed calls. Usually this means I’m in some sort of trouble, and it usually looks similar to this:

Hi

Hello?

Hello???????

????

????????

If this is the series of texts I receive I baton down the hatches because I know a storms-a-comin. This didn’t happen to be one of those times. I called Chelsea back figuring I was in trouble but through spotty service she told me that she was pregnant. If you have been there you know the emotions going through my head after I heard the news. If you haven’t it’s a pretty crazy experience. There was excitement, nervousness, anxiety, stress, happiness. This just scratches the surface of the emotions. I specifically remember sitting in the woods the next day thinking about what kind of father I was going to be and how I was going to get there. I love a good challenge and I can only imagine that being a great father is one of the greatest challenges one can encounter. I LOVE hunting but I distinctly remember not being able to wait until I got home to talk to Chelsea face to face. I got home and Chelsea and I had long discussions about what kind of parents we were going to be and discussed some of the emotions I had previously talked about. I remember being really happy.

The day after Thanksgiving those thoughts and feelings associated with being a future father came to a very abrupt end. My thoughts shifted to my wife, her emotional security and her physical health and that’s where they stayed…that’s where they needed to stay.

Fast forward about 7 months…those two blue lines…and a totally different feeling. The thoughts this time weren’t at all focused on being a father. They sat squarely once again on Chelsea. Of course my mind would wander off at times and wonder what it would be like to be a father, but they would quickly be pulled back and kept in check. Then soon enough my thoughts shifted to my wife, her emotional security and her physical health and that’s where they stayed…that’s where they needed to stay.

Fast forward about 4 months…the decision to adopt. In regular intervals my mind drifted off to what type of father I am going to be. It’s going to be an even bigger challenge because my son/daughter will be adopted…right? I’m up for the challenge; after all I love a good challenge. Well, that didn’t go quite as expected. My thoughts shift to my wife, her emotional security and the focus on our relationship and that’s where they stayed…that’s where they needed to stay.

Fast forward about 5 months (6/18/17)…I know better, but I allow myself to scroll through my social media…the masses of references to Father’s Day posts about feelings of being a father, great fathers, how happy so-and-so is to have so-and-so be their father. Ads everywhere for the perfect gift, articles highlighting a father’s sacrifice for his family, the occasional meme highlighting the comical side of parenting. Walking past the card aisle there is not typically a section labeled “for grieving dads” or “for the loss of a father.” It’s not just miscarriage or infertility that can make Father’s Day a hard day for people. There is estrangement, loss of a father, loss of a child, and some people who haven’t met their father and have some pretty deep wounds.

Most likely two kinds of people are reading this post right now–those who have never had a significant loss and those who nodded along with the last few lines.

If the concept of Father’s Day being difficult never occurred to you, that’s OK. By reading this, you are helping to create a safer space for the second group by spreading awareness that it can be a sad day. It can be something other than a celebration.

Maybe the thought is crossing your mind, “well not everyone experienced a loss like that; can’t you just be happy for them? They deserve to celebrate.” I won’t argue that all of the fathers out there deserve to be celebrated. Just like everyone deserves to feel their feelings and educate the rest of the world on how difficult something can be. Let Father’s Day be both.

Not enough people acknowledge it, and perhaps it is because of the societal pressure to celebrate this day. Without recognizing the grief Father’s Day can trigger, we quietly oppress. It is an act of omission, overlooking sadness on a holiday.

If it’s in your heart to celebrate, then celebrate.

If it’s in your heart to grieve, then grieve.

All I know is that the simplexity of such a seemingly simple “holiday” no longer escapes me.

~Eli