There is no question that we are living in a time of fear, anxiety, doubt, and uncertainty.  Just read some previous blogs or open your nearest news app if you don’t believe me;  I dare you to prove me wrong.  

I’ve had doubt before. I think it’s natural that we as humans doubt.  We doubt in our own abilities, we doubt in other’s abilities, we doubt our purpose in life and we doubt when things don’t go exactly how we have them planned in our heads.  

Where am I right now? My feet are planted firmly in that last example.  “We doubt when things don’t go exactly how we have them planned in our heads.”  Yep, that’s where I am.  Probably thinking into things too much and probably reading into each word, nuance and “tone” of each email and communication.  In my defense how can I not?  No seriously, we’ve been on this journey for what, 3+ years? Tell me something you have tried to make happen for 3 years and didn’t let a little doubt creep in.  **Seriously though, if you can tell me, call me, I’ll take the advice on how that works.**

Before, y’all start freaking out and “boosting me up” this does not mean that I’m standing on the precipice of deep sixing my adoption.  Quite the opposite actually.  Do I doubt I will ever have kids?  Sure. Because I can’t say 100% for sure that I will. 

But I’ll tell you what I do know…okay not yet, you’ll have to read until the end to find out what I do know in the face of doubt.  

So, I’ll give you the Benefits of the Doubt x5

1.  Realize I’m Not Flawed

I’m a Christian, we’ve covered that before.  Yes, I’ve doubted (and still sometimes still do) the very existence of God.  Yep, I’ve worried at times that what I believe in, and given my life to is a big lie.  Guess what?  That doesn’t mean I have a sickness and it’s not a sign of a spiritual flaw.  It’s an opportunity to grow in my faith and understanding of my faith.  I can doubt my adoption…I can doubt that this is the exact right situation for me…there is nothing flawed about that.  There is strength in it. 

2.  Letting Doubt Solidify My Resolve

Okay, so our doubts just don’t by default win.  In a manner of speaking we should doubt our doubts.  Stick with me here.  I’m not going to let my doubts just have free reign in my life.  I need to investigate each one, give them a litmus test and determine whether the doubts I have are indisputably a problem. 

3.  Doubting in Times of Struggle

Inevitably I allow my doubts to have their way with my decision making process and life too much. Hard not to do.  My imagination runs too far and too fast in front of reality. Ever google search symptoms of an illness…yeah, that!  Sometimes I need to remember that there aren’t reasons to doubt in a particular situation I am in.  That remembrance leads to strength. 

4.  Using Past Hurts 

 I’ve been burned.  Burned by social workers, agencies, “the system”, individuals and groups of people alike.  I’ve been hurt, bad things have happened in situations I have put enormous amounts of faith in.  I do have to remember just because I’ve been burned does not mean people are bad, or they did it on purpose.  We live in a broken world and are working with a broken system…it’s bound to happen. And probably will again. I have to separate people and their actions sometimes…that’s incredibly hard to do. But in the end, if I do this correctly, and try to remember it each time, I become a stronger more forgiving person that can open up to offering grace.

5.  Forced Into Others

My doubt makes me realize that I cannot do this on my own.  The definition of what that looks, feels, and sounds like varies.  Sometimes it drives Chelsea and me closer together. (Wow, that’s huge) She’s my rock, my strength and my determination.  I can use doubt to deepen our bond.  Sometimes it’s my faith.  It reminds me that I can’t handle this by myself.  Sometimes it’s my great friends.  They build me up, they humble me, and they show compassion.  My doubt helps fuel and fortify those relationships.

What I do know…I’m not quitting, not yet.  Not on 2 boys, not on my adoption, not on the honesty of people.  I’m going to put one foot in front of the other and move with grace, poise, determination and resilience.  At least until that next doubt creeps in.  But, I’ll deal with that later.  

~Eli