I feel defeated. We are pushing up against a system that is broken. We have no clue where the hell we are going.  At times we feel pretty alone, and we are at a point where we don’t need some cheesy and canned, “Your children are out there” line.  While we do appreciate the sentiment, we can settle in the defeat that we feel right now at this very moment.  Why?  Because it’s real.  And what we do know about adoption is that it pulls the “real” right out of you.

I’m all about positivity, but there needs to be a certain amount of authenticity to that.  I’m raw. Unsure.  Upset.  Pissed off. And sad. And that’s okay.  While those feelings can be hard to deal with sometimes, I’ve learned all too well in the last three and a half years that it’s not only okay to feel them, but it’s necessary.

This is adoption.

A whole lot of love.

Even more uncertainty.

And faith.  

And that’s just coming from our viewpoint…now imagine being a child. 

So right now…Eli and I are sitting in a place where we don’t even know what we need.  So to state it frankly, please refrain from giving us advice, or telling us what you think we should hear, or what you think we need to go forward.  We will figure it out, but we need time.  

So for the time being, we will pack up our duffel bag, listen to some music, write, and lean on one another.

~Chelsea