Vacation has been a balm to my soul since I met Eli.  And when I say vacation, I don’t mean a five-star resort.  I mean good play lists, lots of laugh, food, and finding many, many places off the beaten path.  Our vacations have taken us to lots of amazing places and we’ve laughed, had great food, and enjoyed the history of all of them.

We hit Spring Break this year and knew we needed something. Now let me tell you, Spring Break gets tricky with a teacher and a camp guy.  And let me tell you, it gets even trickier when you’ve been in the throws of adoption.  We contemplated a lot of choices for Spring Break—Texas, Europe, Boston, among many others. What did we choose?  Our second home…Duluth.  The city on Lake Superior.  And guess what?  It was desperately needed.

We soaked in the shoreline, drank a fair amount of beer, and let the spirit of Superior soothe our soul. We also made some pretty hefty decisions.  While this “vacation”  may have seemed like sunsets, boats, and good beer we were pretty deep in decision. Hefty decisions…

And we made some. Suffice it to say; two children from New Mexico will never know we exist, but  we will never forget about their existence.  Right decision?  How can we be 100% sure?  But we think so.   Before you give me encouragement and advice, it’s more simplex than you could ever imagine. Right now, what we do welcome is prayers, hugs, good food, and we won’t scoff at decent beer.  

We cried a bit…but we still continued to learn a lot.

And amidst all the snow melting and the unpredictable weather, we soaked in the sunshine. So right now, we aren’t exactly sure where we  are heading, but we know we will still continue the simplex path there.

~Chelsea

Ever feel that life has you floating in some freezing cold water like a giant chunk of ice.  Well, I have.  I mean…ah…do, yeah that’s it.  That’s how I feel.  As I stare out at Lake Superior, I can’t help but think of myself as one of those ice chunks and life is taking me in whatever direction it wants to right now; just like Superior has it’s way with the ice. 

I find myself once again on the shores of Lake Superior in Duluth, Minnesota.

I love vacations. This one is no exception.  It came up way faster than either of us anticipated. Well, me more than Chelsea, I tend to be notoriously non-committal with where to travel.  Not with taking the vacation and getting up and going, but more so on where to go.  

One area that I would love to travel to that we have never been is northern California…wow, it looks gorgeous.  I had the desire to go somewhere far away, pick up and go, fly someplace different. I like trying new things, going places that I’ve never been before and staying busy.  Even on vacation.  

We ended up in Duluth, Minnesota…a small city that I’ve been to at least a dozen times.  And it’s just what I need.  (more on that later)

You see at first we were thinking about heading to New Mexico.  Adoption and vacation related.  But…we decided not to.  Adoption is complicated.  We are quickly learning that adoption is a series of facts, feelings and straight information that we have to gather, input into a formula that doesn’t exist and make the best decision for our family.  Seriously, it’s hard to make a decision on some of this stuff.  We have seen a lot of paperwork…that’s great but it’s still hard to make a decision on people’s lives based on a bunch of pieces of paper.  Ever misinterpret an email and read into something that was actually nothing? That times a billion.  There are multiple times per day that we are 100% sure we are going one way, only to turn 180 degrees, and then back to the original later that night.  That’s not because of us, or any type of indecision, that’s because adoption is Simplex. There are more moving parts, feelings, decisions, and information involved than one who hasn’t experienced it can imagine. 

So here we are in Duluth, MN.  Why Duluth you may ask?  Exactly, Duluth, I would respond.  It’s exactly Duluth that we need right now.  

There is no place as comfortable to “get-away” as Duluth, Minnesota.  It’s a whole different world next to the Big Lake.  It’s a small town feel, city feel, door county and a short drive to solitude all rolled into one.  I’ve been here at least a dozen times and that helps make it comfortable. Like coming home but getting away. 

There’s a connection with nature here.  I need that. Shoot, we all need that.  There is nothing like immersing yourself and surrounding yourself with the power, wonder, and beauty of nature when things aren’t exactly going your way. 

 

It’s the perfect place to spend some time with your own thoughts.  There’s a lot of introspection with adoption.  It needs to happen in a powerful way.  I needed to re-focus, and take a long look at myself, my thoughts and my journey again.  What’s right? What’s not?  Why? Can I do this?  Can we do this?  Should we do this or that? It’s a lot.  (Don’t interpret this as second-guessing, just deciding on different options—remember the Benefits of Doubt?) But it will make us better adoptive parents, I’ll tell you that.

Oh and by the way they have world-class beer!  That’s also why. 

So when you are feeling like a giant chunk of ice and Lake Superior is having it’s way with you–get away. Find someplace comfortable, bury yourself in nature, meditate, and find some great beer.  Because you know eventually the ice melts, the solid turns liquid and you end up as something else all together.      

~Eli

Yoga is something I really enjoy.  I don’t do it near the amount I should, but it leaves me feeling grounded, strong, balanced, and clear-minded, and let’s face it…I need all of those things in my life right now. 

Right now I’m sitting next to a box that may very well lead me to my future.  No, I really mean it.  I’m sitting at my counter with this box to my left…music blaring and typing away.  Eli and I are willingly, joyfully (okay, not all the time), and open-mindedly (is that even a word?) fighting for our futures. 

Warrior II is a yoga pose and every time I do it leaves me feeling empowered.  It is a pose that requires strength, balance, grounding.  I know some of our recent posts have probably left some of you feeling very confused, but let me reassure you the small moments of defeat, glimpses of doubt, a rocky path aren’t stopping us.  Trust me, we’ve thought of every scenario, researched, read, discussed more than you can imagine.  We eat, sleep, and breathe adoption.  Why? Because if we want to fight for our future that may eventually greatly impact other human beings, we damn well better be eating, sleeping, and breathing adoption (along with trauma, attachment, connection, race among so many other things).   

So where are we right now? Well, quite literally sitting next to a box that may lead us to our future.  We are sometimes grounding ourselves, leaning on each other, at other times putting one foot in front of the other, and are taking it one day at a time but with our gaze still on the horizon.  Because this future is worth fighting for.  There is a lot that is simplex about standing like a warrior even if you don’t always feel like one.    

~Chelsea

There is no question that we are living in a time of fear, anxiety, doubt, and uncertainty.  Just read some previous blogs or open your nearest news app if you don’t believe me;  I dare you to prove me wrong.  

I’ve had doubt before. I think it’s natural that we as humans doubt.  We doubt in our own abilities, we doubt in other’s abilities, we doubt our purpose in life and we doubt when things don’t go exactly how we have them planned in our heads.  

Where am I right now? My feet are planted firmly in that last example.  “We doubt when things don’t go exactly how we have them planned in our heads.”  Yep, that’s where I am.  Probably thinking into things too much and probably reading into each word, nuance and “tone” of each email and communication.  In my defense how can I not?  No seriously, we’ve been on this journey for what, 3+ years? Tell me something you have tried to make happen for 3 years and didn’t let a little doubt creep in.  **Seriously though, if you can tell me, call me, I’ll take the advice on how that works.**

Before, y’all start freaking out and “boosting me up” this does not mean that I’m standing on the precipice of deep sixing my adoption.  Quite the opposite actually.  Do I doubt I will ever have kids?  Sure. Because I can’t say 100% for sure that I will. 

But I’ll tell you what I do know…okay not yet, you’ll have to read until the end to find out what I do know in the face of doubt.  

So, I’ll give you the Benefits of the Doubt x5

1.  Realize I’m Not Flawed

I’m a Christian, we’ve covered that before.  Yes, I’ve doubted (and still sometimes still do) the very existence of God.  Yep, I’ve worried at times that what I believe in, and given my life to is a big lie.  Guess what?  That doesn’t mean I have a sickness and it’s not a sign of a spiritual flaw.  It’s an opportunity to grow in my faith and understanding of my faith.  I can doubt my adoption…I can doubt that this is the exact right situation for me…there is nothing flawed about that.  There is strength in it. 

2.  Letting Doubt Solidify My Resolve

Okay, so our doubts just don’t by default win.  In a manner of speaking we should doubt our doubts.  Stick with me here.  I’m not going to let my doubts just have free reign in my life.  I need to investigate each one, give them a litmus test and determine whether the doubts I have are indisputably a problem. 

3.  Doubting in Times of Struggle

Inevitably I allow my doubts to have their way with my decision making process and life too much. Hard not to do.  My imagination runs too far and too fast in front of reality. Ever google search symptoms of an illness…yeah, that!  Sometimes I need to remember that there aren’t reasons to doubt in a particular situation I am in.  That remembrance leads to strength. 

4.  Using Past Hurts 

 I’ve been burned.  Burned by social workers, agencies, “the system”, individuals and groups of people alike.  I’ve been hurt, bad things have happened in situations I have put enormous amounts of faith in.  I do have to remember just because I’ve been burned does not mean people are bad, or they did it on purpose.  We live in a broken world and are working with a broken system…it’s bound to happen. And probably will again. I have to separate people and their actions sometimes…that’s incredibly hard to do. But in the end, if I do this correctly, and try to remember it each time, I become a stronger more forgiving person that can open up to offering grace.

5.  Forced Into Others

My doubt makes me realize that I cannot do this on my own.  The definition of what that looks, feels, and sounds like varies.  Sometimes it drives Chelsea and me closer together. (Wow, that’s huge) She’s my rock, my strength and my determination.  I can use doubt to deepen our bond.  Sometimes it’s my faith.  It reminds me that I can’t handle this by myself.  Sometimes it’s my great friends.  They build me up, they humble me, and they show compassion.  My doubt helps fuel and fortify those relationships.

What I do know…I’m not quitting, not yet.  Not on 2 boys, not on my adoption, not on the honesty of people.  I’m going to put one foot in front of the other and move with grace, poise, determination and resilience.  At least until that next doubt creeps in.  But, I’ll deal with that later.  

~Eli

I feel defeated. We are pushing up against a system that is broken. We have no clue where the hell we are going.  At times we feel pretty alone, and we are at a point where we don’t need some cheesy and canned, “Your children are out there” line.  While we do appreciate the sentiment, we can settle in the defeat that we feel right now at this very moment.  Why?  Because it’s real.  And what we do know about adoption is that it pulls the “real” right out of you.

I’m all about positivity, but there needs to be a certain amount of authenticity to that.  I’m raw. Unsure.  Upset.  Pissed off. And sad. And that’s okay.  While those feelings can be hard to deal with sometimes, I’ve learned all too well in the last three and a half years that it’s not only okay to feel them, but it’s necessary.

This is adoption.

A whole lot of love.

Even more uncertainty.

And faith.  

And that’s just coming from our viewpoint…now imagine being a child. 

So right now…Eli and I are sitting in a place where we don’t even know what we need.  So to state it frankly, please refrain from giving us advice, or telling us what you think we should hear, or what you think we need to go forward.  We will figure it out, but we need time.  

So for the time being, we will pack up our duffel bag, listen to some music, write, and lean on one another.

~Chelsea