On the almost eve of a  “New Year” reflection is pretty natural.  I honestly feel as if I’m experiencing déjà vu as I write this, as there have been a few “new years” that have lapsed since we began this journey.  The amazing thing is that although my home, partner, job hasn’t changed in those years, I sure have.  

I had an opportunity tonight to look at where our blog Simplexitystarted and compare it to where it is now.  Honestly, I looked at the About and The Back Story: Part One and The Back Story: Part Two on our site and it made me cringe.  For a moment, I thought about changing the Aboutfor our blog, but I don’t want to erase any part of this journey no matter how different I now feel. What still rings true in the part of the About on our blog is, “We are walking this path with eyes wide open and are learning more than we ever thought possible and want to document our journey in a ‘real’ and ‘authentic’ way.”  As I looked at previous blog posts, I felt a little heartache, some embarrassment and naiveté, but really a lot of pride.  I’ve come a long way, damn it.  I know a lot more…but I don’t plan to stop here.  Of course there are many areas I want, okay, need to work on.  But as it pertains to adoption I learned in 2018:

• how to wait until I knew I was ready to move…no matter how much people may have thought that I was just stalling on making a decision as to where I would go next. This took me all the way until the middle of April 2018 to commit to another agency.  That time was sometimes spent in silence, a lot of reading, and relying on faith to set me up to be prepared for loss.  Not mine…but for the children that may come to us.  It prepared me, if I can really say that, to read redacted profiles, to admit I wasn’t the best placement for some children, and to put myself out there expecting nothing in return.  And it has been my absolute privilege.  
• how to let go of the societal pressures that weighed on me.  And you wanna know what? I realized they weighed on me because what I want is not what society always values.  I WANT to adopt school age children.  I’m ready to celebrate and own that. 
• how fortunate I have been to be raised to appreciate and participate in social activism.  However,this year I’ve learned that my privilege as a white female has allowed me to pick and choose when and how to use my activism.  I now not only acknowledge my privilege, but take active measures be an ally to a wide-variety of communities.
• I’ve learned there are seasons to life, but you have to endure them to experience them.  There is a lot of beauty there.  It’s the changing of the seasons, no matter how long they take that make us wise.

So where does that leave me for 2019? Pretty damn open.  I plan to learn more.  I plan to listen more.  I plan to embrace the seasons of my life, even if that season is sometimes winter. But I’m not “happy” or “sad” that 2018 ended because every year of my life, and more specifically, this journey, has humbled me and taught me some pretty amazing lessons.  So here’s to the simplexity of ringing in another what is sure to be simplex New Year. Cheers!

~Chelsea

Have you ever made a decision, set out on a new adventure, and/or faced a difficult but beautiful choice, and have felt within every bone in your body that you couldn’t be more certain that this is the path, the journey, you are supposed to take?  It really is indescribable.  I’ve heard about these things, even read about them.  A lot of the time when they are presented in movies the dramatic background music starts up and as it crescendos there is a close up on the lead actor or actresses face.  He or she looks into the camera, tears welling in his or her eyes, as a beautiful smile of certainty spreads across his or her face.

That movie scene is NOT what I’m talking about because let’s face it—real life is not a movie.  But what I am talking about is that every fiber in my being knows that I was meant to pursue adoption.  Notice how I carefully chose my words—to pursue adoption.  I don’t know what I’m destined for, and I sure as hell know that children weren’t meant to go through pain to fulfill my destiny of being their mom. But what I do know is that I was meant to take this path—to pursue adoption.

And guess what?  There is so much happiness in that.  So much peace.  Eli and I were driving to brunch the other day and were talking about this very thing. It’s hard to describe.  We were talking about the frustration or impatience we feel at times, but that it’s felt still in a peaceful way.  That couldn’t be any more of oxymoron, could it? And guess what makes it really confusing?  There is so much comfort in that peace when uncomfortable feelings rise. 

Yes, the wait is hard.  

Yes, we don’t know what our future holds.  

Yes, the rest of the world doesn’t really get what we are doing or why we do things and talk about things the way we do.  

But more importantly, yes, we are so happy—and we are happy whether or not a placement ever occurs.  Because there is peace in knowing you are exactly where you are supposed to be—pretty simplex, huh? 

~Chelsea

Those of you who know me know that I don’t cry often.  It’s just not something I do.  Especially in public.  I can remember crying twice in public…my wedding and my grandpa’s funeral.  I’ve definitely cried in front of Chelsea, and of course on multiple occasions in private.  I’m just not that guy.  Some would describe it as closed off, some emotionally immature, some as a “hardened” male farm kid.  Really it’s not those reasons…and in my “old age” I’ve figured it out.  It’s because in order to cry, especially in public, it has to be something that’s big enough, life-altering enough, and I feel to the very core of my being.  For many I’m sure that looks like a marriage, a child being born, a death of a loved one, or another one of those “life-changing” events thrown our way.  

If you would have told me 3 days ago I would cry in public because of a movie I would have promptly, curtly, but respectfully told you that you were full of s***.  

**DISCLAIMER**  

Crying is not weakness. I’m not suggesting that in the least. I think it’s good to cry.  I think humans should cry more, and the stigma attached to it should disappear.  In many cases I think crying makes us stronger.  It for sure relieves stress and in turn makes us more mentally healthy people.  It can dull pain, improve mood, help us recover by restoring emotional balance, and even reduce the chances of heart attack.  Okay, now I feel weak and a little messed up.

**END DISCLAIMER**

Chelsea came to the realization a number of months ago that she doesn’t really like watching movies. Didn’t see that coming, did you? I know, I was disappointed for her as well.  But when you are in the throes of adoption and a movie about adoption comes out you have to see it.  Instant Family…sounds like I just might like one [sic].  So we saw it. And I bawled like a baby (and I’m not ashamed to admit it). I’m not talking about getting a little choked up—I’m talking the baby needs to be fed, a diaper change and overtired all rolled into one.  Soggy popcorn is gross.

So I cried watching it for two reasons: because it’s my life on a big screen and because it’s just such a huge part of my life.  I’m not saying that a part of the movie was like a part of my life.  I’m not saying that the movie was just like my life. I’m saying that the movie IS my life. 

I cried because the things that happen to that family in the movie are things that HAVE happened to me. I’ve locked up the power tools and put everything on high shelves to pass a home study.  I’ve had you compare my adoption to adopting a dog.  I’ve heard the joke about how I can “have your kids if I want them.”  I’ve had you ask me if I hope my kid is going to be good at sports or if I can just “pick one out.”  I’ve heard these things in my life. 

I cried because the things that happen in that family are HAPPENING to me.  I’m scouring websites looking at children who need a home.  I’m educating myself to be the best parent I can be.  I’m looking through profiles of teens and their trauma and asking the hard questions to decide if I can really do it.

I cried because the things that happen in that family are GOING to happen to me.  I’m going to have kids who come from trauma.  I’m going to have children who were someone else’s first. I’ll go through the honeymoon period. I’ll see the long lasting effects of agony and anguish in my children’s lives.

So for those of you who want to be like Siskel and Ebert, pull up a chair, grab a bucket of popcorn, a soda, and get a good seat for what is my life.  Because like it or not, many of you are watching the movie that is my life, some are extras and many have a major part in the plot.  I’m not going to win an Academy Award, nor am I asking to, but I can’t wait to get on to the next scene. 

Roll credits…but stay in your seat and wait for that extra hidden scene, because it’s coming.

~Eli