Full disclosure…at this point we thought we would be parents.  These were the names of our future children.  We’ve never shared this with anyone.  Now we share it with the world.

Reality…in two days after Mother’s Day there will be a woman who we have never met coming into our home to gather information on whether or not we should be licensed to parent children. Sounds pretty crazy, right? I’m a teacher and Eli runs a camp…is there anything to be worried about?

Of course there is.

I’m not worried in the least about being deemed as a “fit parent”. We look good on paper, but that’s the least of my worries. My bigger concern is being about as self-aware as I can be when taking on the monumental task of responsibly and thoughtfully raising someone else’s children.

During our first home study we were starry-eyed, crazily ambitious, infatuated, and in first-time potential parent bliss.  We had names picked out, thoughts about what our kids would be like and expectations of what the process would be.  This time around we are attempting to be very self-aware, excited as one can be taking a child/children from their first-time home (so excited really isn’t the right word), and trying to become as educated as possible.

Many people wonder what we are so nervous about with a home study. Nervousness isn’t really the right word. Now that I am becoming aware I am able to see adoption through a very different lens, and that lens makes the life we are about to live look very different.

For example, my child/children will come to me due to a loss. Mother’s Day will never look what the average Mother’s Day will look like to most “mothers” and “children”. And trust me when I say, I am okay with that. In my family it will, and very rightfully so, be celebrated, or not at all, differently. I can be okay with that and still a little sad—for both my future children and me. Right now I couldn’t be more sure that I am meant to raise another woman’s children (which is far more complicated than people think when you think about the society that we live in). That isn’t an accolade or a feather in my cap. It’s the reality that is the harshness of adoption. And that makes my life, my future children’s life, and the woman/women I will be connected with in a day to celebrate “mothers” a little different—especially in a society that doesn’t celebrate or acknowledge differences.

So I enter this Mother’s Day without any apologies but with complete gratitude. There isn’t excitement in our next step of this process…because now, we are aware. I have no trepidation even though there is some fear because I know I’m right where I should be. But what I do know is I am more “realistically” aware and comfortable with where our life has taken us. And I’m thankful. And my thankfulness calls me to walk in the simplex truth that I must speak out when I am called to but embrace the quietness that can sometimes be the lonely walk that is adoption.

So this Mother’s Day…things look different.  The names have changed, the feelings have changed and we are exactly where we should be.  The feelings are simplex…no complex.  The whole process is too.  Mothers day sounds simple but it’s not.  Happy mothers day to you and yours.

~Chelsea