Courage is never something I’ve easily described about myself. And I wouldn’t say today that I am courageous, but I do know that even in uncertainty I’m willing to keep walking forward. And I can truly say today that I’m proud of that. Maybe not courageous, but I’m willing to “be still and wait”. So today was our 2^nd home study visit with our new agency. It’s kind of crazy because most of our paper work, visits, etc. are completely done. We don’t want to give an exact date but we are slated to inquire on children by the middle of July.   We have come a long way. A crazy long way from where we started.

We started the process in August of 2015. We were finalized for the first time mid-February 2016. At that time we had experienced two miscarriages, committed to the first agency we felt good about, and were pursuing domestic infant adoption. And now we are here. I am so thankful for our wait. I know that must be hard to understand, and don’t’ worry, it took Eli and I a long time to become thankful for the wait. But the largest blessing in our lives have been when we were forced to Be still…

What has been interesting in my/our stillness is that the wait, our experience, this journey is what it has needed to be. We are nowhere from where we started, and please don’t feel bad about that. I think far too often people hear about someone’s pursuit to build their family in a different way. And they initially feel bad because they feel like it’s a second choice. A lesser choice. Even without meaning to. We sure don’t. We are not pursuing an infant. We will never have biological children by choice. Let me restate that…we are not pursuing an infant and will not have biological children by choice. We are looking into older children. Primarily sibling groups. And we are content. More than content…we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Eli spoke to our caseworker alone today, as I did. And she asked about how we felt about seeing each other as parents. He claimed that this is in my DNA. Not being a mother but mothering another woman’s child, by knowing and listening to what our future children need. I claimed that he would be anything a child needed him to. He didn’t need a label or a title. Isn’t that beautiful? Not for our children, but because we know exactly what we are supposed to be for our children together, simultaneously. There is a very big difference between excitement and contentment.

Our journey and our future children’s gave us beautiful and heart-wrenching perspective. And by God, you need perspective. And let me tell you, that perspective is not ours. It is our future children’s. We needed the time to deal with how society felt about the way we build our family because how we are building our family has NEVER been a problem for us. It has been an absolute blessing and privilege. We have needed that additional time to educate ourselves. To educate all of you. To experience comfort in exactly where we are. Our future children owe nothing to anyone. Their story is theirs. And we are here and ready to embrace it. There may be sadness in our story. And definitely in their’s, but sadness isn’t what we need from you. We need your willingness to understand and trust in us even when it seems confusing. We need your support in the form of words and actions even when you are unsure of what to say.

We are in the thick of it. It’s hard to describe. There is no adjective that does it justice. It just is. But it is exactly what it is supposed to be right now at this very moment. Eli and I have no clue what our future holds, but we are trusting where we are.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

Full disclosure…at this point we thought we would be parents.  These were the names of our future children.  We’ve never shared this with anyone.  Now we share it with the world.

Reality…in two days after Mother’s Day there will be a woman who we have never met coming into our home to gather information on whether or not we should be licensed to parent children. Sounds pretty crazy, right? I’m a teacher and Eli runs a camp…is there anything to be worried about?

Of course there is.

I’m not worried in the least about being deemed as a “fit parent”. We look good on paper, but that’s the least of my worries. My bigger concern is being about as self-aware as I can be when taking on the monumental task of responsibly and thoughtfully raising someone else’s children.

During our first home study we were starry-eyed, crazily ambitious, infatuated, and in first-time potential parent bliss.  We had names picked out, thoughts about what our kids would be like and expectations of what the process would be.  This time around we are attempting to be very self-aware, excited as one can be taking a child/children from their first-time home (so excited really isn’t the right word), and trying to become as educated as possible.

Many people wonder what we are so nervous about with a home study. Nervousness isn’t really the right word. Now that I am becoming aware I am able to see adoption through a very different lens, and that lens makes the life we are about to live look very different.

For example, my child/children will come to me due to a loss. Mother’s Day will never look what the average Mother’s Day will look like to most “mothers” and “children”. And trust me when I say, I am okay with that. In my family it will, and very rightfully so, be celebrated, or not at all, differently. I can be okay with that and still a little sad—for both my future children and me. Right now I couldn’t be more sure that I am meant to raise another woman’s children (which is far more complicated than people think when you think about the society that we live in). That isn’t an accolade or a feather in my cap. It’s the reality that is the harshness of adoption. And that makes my life, my future children’s life, and the woman/women I will be connected with in a day to celebrate “mothers” a little different—especially in a society that doesn’t celebrate or acknowledge differences.

So I enter this Mother’s Day without any apologies but with complete gratitude. There isn’t excitement in our next step of this process…because now, we are aware. I have no trepidation even though there is some fear because I know I’m right where I should be. But what I do know is I am more “realistically” aware and comfortable with where our life has taken us. And I’m thankful. And my thankfulness calls me to walk in the simplex truth that I must speak out when I am called to but embrace the quietness that can sometimes be the lonely walk that is adoption.

So this Mother’s Day…things look different.  The names have changed, the feelings have changed and we are exactly where we should be.  The feelings are simplex…no complex.  The whole process is too.  Mothers day sounds simple but it’s not.  Happy mothers day to you and yours.

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I bet you’ve never been compared to an undergarment but that’s exactly what we need you to be.  Supporting in a pretty simplex way.

Ahhh!!!! So we are really doing it. It has finally started, and it feels surreal. If you missed it in our last few blog posts, we have signed on with an agency and we have been assigned our caseworker. We have started writing our home study to become licensed in the state of Wisconsin, and we have actually just scheduled our first two home study visits—the first one being only two weeks away. I can’t believe we are here.

And right now I’m feeling every emotion possible even with the certainty that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. We have some expectations, but we’ve also gained the wisdom to know that we will end up where we are supposed to be. Now don’t get me wrong, we aren’t just leaving things up to fate. Not even close to it. But we’ve gained the insight that the journey doesn’t always take you to the place you thought you’d end up, but you can still end up right where you’re supposed to be.

Our family and friends have been so great, and I know that for many of you the wait has been hard. I know it gets hard to know how to support us, and you’ve been wonderful. I’m sure many of you find yourself asking many of these questions:

Should I ask them where they are in the process?

            Do I bring up adoption? Maybe it makes them sad?

            Do I reinforce how great of parents they will be?

            Should I just wait until they say something?

I totally get how hard it must to support us. I mean, let’s face it, it’s definitely a slightly different journey. But now, I can outwardly tell you, we would love any support, good thoughts, and prayers you have to offer.

We love your questions, and we certainly appreciate them. We particularly like the How are you guys doing types of questions. And let me explain why. The how are you questions in regards to our adoption is a little broader. More often we get asked the Where are you in your adoption types of questions. This one is a little harder to answer because there may be no change in where we are for a really long time. I’m sure some of you have noticed this over the last few years. We often don’t really know where we are until we get there. We so appreciate your inquiries and it really let’s us know that you are thinking about us in this process.

Another way that you can support me, specifically, is by really acknowledging that the power and beauty of womanhood isn’t only exemplified through the miracle of carrying and delivering a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely satisfied and happy to build my family through adoption, but sometimes it feels like society is telling me I’m not as much of a woman because I’m not “labor strong” or because I haven’t breastfed, or I don’t have stretch marks from carrying a baby. I’m secure enough in this, but you can really support me by helping to break down the societal perception that women are only strong in this way. They are most definitely strong because they birth babies, but there are so many more things that make women strong in addition to giving birth.

Being a teacher, I clearly value the role of education. Much of our time during this “waiting period” has been spent educating ourselves. Those of you that are close family and friends can really support us by starting to learn acceptable adoption language (we can always help with this), becoming comfortable with the fact that our family will be different, how trauma impacts children, as well as educating yourselves on racial issues within your own biases as well as society. Eli and I both have a plethora of resources we would love to share for those who are interested.

These are just a few of the ways that you can support us. I sure hope that it didn’t look like the teacher was trying to “school” any of you. Throughout our time planning to build our family through adoption we’ve really learned to ask for what we need. And support is exactly what we need right now. The above are just a few examples, but we will take anything we can get and please know there is no wrong way. Providing support seems simple on the surface, until you understand the intricacies of building a family through adoption. Then it becomes much more complex. We so appreciate your simplex support through this very simplex journey that we have had the privilege of taking.

~Chelsea