So the application is in–now we wait for ‘approval’. I hear the comment frequently, “Oh there’s nothing to worry about, and who wouldn’t approve you?” In my conscious mind I get it and understand it, but it’s hard to not let the subconscious dominate in certain situations. Especially when you have to wait.

The hardest part of a trial, or anything for that matter isn’t always the level of darkness, the uncertainty, or the breadth and scope of it all. The hardest part of a trial is often its duration–that uncertainty of how long it is going to last. How long should it last? Another month? Maybe another couple of years? Longer than our already preconceived expectations?

Let’s get basic for a minute…we can’t know.

And that’s the hardest part.

We started our adoption journey 2 ½ years ago—and counting. How long in your life is two years ago? How long in your child’s life? Did you even have children? Imagine being in the same condition for 2.5 years—not aging, not moving, stagnant.

Okay so that was the heavy part.

So here is what I have learned about the wait. No matter how long I have been waiting the clock must never be my focus. Whatever, time, trial, hardship I may have experienced or may be experiencing today—and however much longer I may have to experience it still—the clock will always be a source of discouragement. Speculating, calculating, and marking that time will always distract me from the important stuff.

So if watching the clock builds despair, and the wait is difficult, yet we have to wait, how do we build hope?

A couple of things in my life build hope in often trying situations and one of those is FAITH. To obsess over the clock is to put MY time limits on how long I think I should be forced to wait. It’s putting our human expectations on time and what WE think should be happening at each precise movement of the second hand.

Watching the clock leads to all kinds of trouble. But my faith leads to hope.

So I live right now in total confidence, sure that my faith, no matter the outcome of my life situation, will lead me to exactly where I’m supposed to be. No matter how many years it needs to last.

So here I wait…will we get approved? Will we adopt? I hope so, I think so, but I don’t know so. And no matter what I have to wait. And this current wait is even before the home study–more waiting. And the matching—still more waiting. But my answers are never to be found in contemplating the clock face. They are only to be found in my faith.

Tick, tock…

~Eli