So my life is currently journeying through “adoption world”. There are all sorts of different reasons as to how someone and their family came to the decision to adopt and often those reasons are not cut and dry or black and white. Eli and I have been very open about our story, not to speak for all families who are waiting to adopt or who have adopted, but to merely share our story and to give a different perspective.

At times in my journey to adopt I’ve felt stuck a bit between two worlds—the infertility world and the I was never going to have biological children. I was always going to adopt world. Why have I felt stuck between these two worlds? Well, because they are in many cases opposite ends of the spectrum in the world of adoption, and what many people think of when someone shares that they are planning to adopt. At times it hurts to see another baby shower invitation. At times I couldn’t be happier to hear about someone else expecting. At times I feel guilty that I didn’t spend years upon years going through fertility struggles. While other times I rejoice in the journey I’ve had even though it’s been hard. At times I’m looking for what “world” I belong in.

See, I don’t quite fit into the full infertility world. I could get pregnant. I mean I did—twice. It always makes me giggle a bit when people say, “Well, once you adopt, I bet you’ll get pregnant without even trying.” That’s not the problem, and at this point in my life, I have no desire to get pregnant. And yes, I know things can happen, but trust me when I say they won’t. My heart aches for women who just desperately want to conceive and can’t. I can only imagine the pain of getting another baby shower invite. Or the sting of the jokes—“Have fun practicing.” Or “When you stop trying then you’ll get pregnant.” Women who experience this are warriors. I feel some similar pains, but I don’t fully fit into this world.

I also didn’t have a crazy number of miscarriages. I had two. And for us, we decided that was enough. I’m sure people have thought, Well, it’s only two. You could keep trying. It’s not that many. But the fact is, it was enough for us. We didn’t pursue testing…there was no need. We weren’t heading down that route anymore. Early on in my pregnancies I had plenty of blood work, sometimes I felt like a pincushion. And guess what…all my blood work was great! Sometimes things just happen. And two was enough. See, I don’t feel like I fully fit into this world either.

Eli and I are approaching our 10-year wedding anniversary. Crazy, right? He is the love of my life. We both always had a passion for working with children. I mean let’s face it, camp director and teacher; children are our life. But to be honest, it took us a long time to decide if we ever wanted to expand our family. We loved our life together, and weren’t necessarily desperately yearning to have children as soon as we were married. It wasn’t all we ever wanted. Sometimes this makes me feel guilty, and I know that I don’t fit into this world. I never thought, All I ever want is to be a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be a mom now in the worst way, but it took me a long time to get here. I don’t quite fit into this world either.

Eli and I had talked early on in our marriage about adoption. If we were to expand our family we were fairly certain that at some time we would do it through adoption. We were willing to educate ourselves (which is a must in adoption world), and our family had already been touched by adoption. However, we did think early on that we would have a biological child as well. See some families know from the very start that they will never have biological children. They make a conscious decision that the only way they will expand their family will be through adoption. Although we know we are exactly where we are supposed to be and the only way we will expand our family now is through adoption, we weren’t always in that place. See, we don’t fully fit into that world either.

The fact of the matter is there isn’t one category or reason as to why someone chooses to adopt. For many families it’s complicated and super unique to their situation. And while I don’t fit into any one “world”, that’s okay. Starting a family is complicated. Starting a family through adoption, in many ways, can be even more complicated. And that’s okay. As long as there are people who are willing to learn, listen, and support, I’m fine with not sitting in just one “world”. I know I’m right where I belong. It’s very easy to assume but much more difficult to dig deeper for the full story.

~Chelsea