I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I sat in awe in front of the television wondering how in the world I could be watching Nazi salutes, white supremacy, swastikas, and people justifying it. And as it unfolded in front of America’s eyes and mine it got worse and worse and worse—people being run over, lack of leadership and lack of condemnation by leaders, and people still justifying. I scoured over articles and looked at people’s comments, and people were still justifying it. Do you hear that? Let me say it again—PEOPLE ARE STILL JUSTIFYING IT. My eyes are open, and I feel sad.

You may wonder what in the world this has to do with Eli and I adopting a child or children. Well, let me tell you. It has everything to do with us adopting, with us living, with our day-to-day tasks, with who I am as an individual. Let me tell you what I’ve learned about white privilege and racism as I have ventured down this path called adoption. Early in our journey to adopt we decided that we would most definitely be open to a transracial adoption. You may wonder why someone wouldn’t be open. Well, there are many reasons—lack of resources to strongly support the child/children’s culture, lack of representation in community of child/children’s culture and racial background, fear, among other things. When we decided to be open to transracial adoption it wasn’t because we thought we had all the answers. It was because we knew we had very few, but we were willing to do everything possible to educate ourselves. And our waiting game has allowed us to do just that.

I’ve always considered myself a person who is open to all people regardless of race, gender, sexual preference, religious views, etc. But I don’t think I’ve ever really taken a good, hard look at my own white privilege. Throughout my life I’ve stood up against and been vocal about blatant racism—racial slurs, jokes, etc. In the last year I’ve found myself thinking things like:

If I had a child of color I would comment on someone talking about being colorblind to race. To not see color is to not recognize differences. The differences are okay; the biases to those differences are not.

If I had a child of color I would comment on someone talking about “those people” and “people like them” when talking about individuals of color living in high crime, impoverished areas.

If I had a child of color I would be sure to attend more diverse experiences and meet people of all different races, backgrounds, etc.

If I had a child of color I would be even more active in confronting racism, bigotry, and hate by protesting, speaking out, and leading by example.

Do you know what’s wrong with this? The “if I had a child of color…then I would…”.This couldn’t exemplify any more my own white privilege. It should not take me entertaining adopting a child of color to think this way. I should, I NEED to be reacting this way all of the time. Because let’s face it, this is the very mentality that many white people have when discussing their thinking, actions, and views towards race. This is why we are where we are right now. I am a part of the problem, and as scary as it is for me to say it, my guess is so are you. We can’t wait to learn and open our eyes to what has been alive in America for much longer than we would like to admit…it is sadly tightly woven into the very fibers of this country that I love so much. And it makes my heart ache.

We have got to stop turning a blind eye to things that are difficult to see. It’s like a child covering his or her eyes and thinking that because they can’t see anything, no one can see them. I’ve always wondered what I would do in Nazi Germany during the Holocaust. Would I hide a family? Would I help children? Or what I would have done during the Civil Rights Movement. Would I participate in sit-ins? Would I march for equality even if it came with a risk? Would I close my eyes? Hope it would go away…that someone else would do something? I want to be on the right side of history and when it comes to racism you’re damn right there is a right side—always. Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor, said, “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

See, it’s as simple as knowing racism is bad, but as complex as standing up and actually doing something about it.

~Chelsea

So my life is currently journeying through “adoption world”. There are all sorts of different reasons as to how someone and their family came to the decision to adopt and often those reasons are not cut and dry or black and white. Eli and I have been very open about our story, not to speak for all families who are waiting to adopt or who have adopted, but to merely share our story and to give a different perspective.

At times in my journey to adopt I’ve felt stuck a bit between two worlds—the infertility world and the I was never going to have biological children. I was always going to adopt world. Why have I felt stuck between these two worlds? Well, because they are in many cases opposite ends of the spectrum in the world of adoption, and what many people think of when someone shares that they are planning to adopt. At times it hurts to see another baby shower invitation. At times I couldn’t be happier to hear about someone else expecting. At times I feel guilty that I didn’t spend years upon years going through fertility struggles. While other times I rejoice in the journey I’ve had even though it’s been hard. At times I’m looking for what “world” I belong in.

See, I don’t quite fit into the full infertility world. I could get pregnant. I mean I did—twice. It always makes me giggle a bit when people say, “Well, once you adopt, I bet you’ll get pregnant without even trying.” That’s not the problem, and at this point in my life, I have no desire to get pregnant. And yes, I know things can happen, but trust me when I say they won’t. My heart aches for women who just desperately want to conceive and can’t. I can only imagine the pain of getting another baby shower invite. Or the sting of the jokes—“Have fun practicing.” Or “When you stop trying then you’ll get pregnant.” Women who experience this are warriors. I feel some similar pains, but I don’t fully fit into this world.

I also didn’t have a crazy number of miscarriages. I had two. And for us, we decided that was enough. I’m sure people have thought, Well, it’s only two. You could keep trying. It’s not that many. But the fact is, it was enough for us. We didn’t pursue testing…there was no need. We weren’t heading down that route anymore. Early on in my pregnancies I had plenty of blood work, sometimes I felt like a pincushion. And guess what…all my blood work was great! Sometimes things just happen. And two was enough. See, I don’t feel like I fully fit into this world either.

Eli and I are approaching our 10-year wedding anniversary. Crazy, right? He is the love of my life. We both always had a passion for working with children. I mean let’s face it, camp director and teacher; children are our life. But to be honest, it took us a long time to decide if we ever wanted to expand our family. We loved our life together, and weren’t necessarily desperately yearning to have children as soon as we were married. It wasn’t all we ever wanted. Sometimes this makes me feel guilty, and I know that I don’t fit into this world. I never thought, All I ever want is to be a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be a mom now in the worst way, but it took me a long time to get here. I don’t quite fit into this world either.

Eli and I had talked early on in our marriage about adoption. If we were to expand our family we were fairly certain that at some time we would do it through adoption. We were willing to educate ourselves (which is a must in adoption world), and our family had already been touched by adoption. However, we did think early on that we would have a biological child as well. See some families know from the very start that they will never have biological children. They make a conscious decision that the only way they will expand their family will be through adoption. Although we know we are exactly where we are supposed to be and the only way we will expand our family now is through adoption, we weren’t always in that place. See, we don’t fully fit into that world either.

The fact of the matter is there isn’t one category or reason as to why someone chooses to adopt. For many families it’s complicated and super unique to their situation. And while I don’t fit into any one “world”, that’s okay. Starting a family is complicated. Starting a family through adoption, in many ways, can be even more complicated. And that’s okay. As long as there are people who are willing to learn, listen, and support, I’m fine with not sitting in just one “world”. I know I’m right where I belong. It’s very easy to assume but much more difficult to dig deeper for the full story.

~Chelsea