“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

This is not my life—it’s A Tale of Two Cities of course!

It’s funny because when I’m in my most melodramatic mood that quote is how I feel. However, I know in my rational mind that it’s just me being overly dramatic. Don’t get me wrong…the last two years have been trying at times, but I know that the things I’ve experienced are not truly “hard”. I have so much to be thankful for. The last two years have been interesting and most definitely up and down.

I’ve experienced the joy of finding out I was pregnant. I saw a heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. What a miracle! I’ve experienced choosing that I was going to build my family through adoption. This was a feeling of such incredible joy and a knowing that I was doing exactly what I was meant to do. I decorated a nursery. I started a blog. I went back to graduate school. I traveled and took amazing road trips. I ate amazing and incredible food and drank some fantastic beer.

In the last two years, I lost two pregnancies. I left the agency that I thought would place me with my first child. My home study expired. The nursery that I started decorating last year has now become more of a storage room. Work has at times been difficult. I’ve been worried about the political climate and state of our nation.

So, “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”. No, not really. But it hasn’t been easy. Lately, I’ve been feeling tired. Not sad. Tired. On all fronts…work, adoption, life. My selfish mind just wants something to be easy for once. Everything doesn’t have to be easy, but could just one thing work out easily? What do I mean? I mean I wish I didn’t have to fight so hard for our planet, for the well being of other people. I wish that at work I could just teach. That’s all–just teach. I wish that I could raise the child/children that Eli and I were meant to raise.

However, “it was the age of wisdom…”. And I’ve learned. So what? I’m tired? Things haven’t been easy? That’s life. This is not hardship in the true sense of the word. It’s uncomfortableness (yes, I know that’s a made up word). It’s overwhelming emotion. It’s frustration. But it’s not hardship.

So what do you do when you’re tired? You rest. You refuel. You work to become energized. You make something happen, even if it isn’t easy. And that’s what we are going to do. We are researching. We’ve narrowed some things down. And we are making our next move. Because I’m not just going to settle on the “winter of despair” but instead I’m going to make it “the spring of hope”.

~Chelsea