For the last few months I’ve felt like I’ve been standing at the edge of a dock, toes dangling over the edge, just waiting to jump into cold water. The water won’t hurt me, and I know that I’ll get used to it and my body will adjust, but I’m still a little anxious, a little scared to take the leap.

In late autumn, we had some fall out with our adoption agency and what we envisioned our future adoption looking like. I don’t know why I was surprised that our journey took a slightly different turn; I mean that’s life, right? Things happen; we adjust. I tried really, really hard to just keep moving forward, but it really had a bigger affect on me than I had planned. I’m not sure if any of you noticed the sometimes forced smile. I tried to hide the red around my eyes after thinking just a little too much on my way into work. I’m not sure if you could tell that I had a lump in my throat when you asked how our adoption was going (please, never stop asking, even if it’s not going great).

It took me awhile to work my way through some of the sadness I felt that things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. It took me awhile to get over the anger that things just weren’t easy for us. I had a storm cloud over me for a little bit. But with time my heart healed. My eyes didn’t well up with tears every time Eli brought up our adoption. I stopped being as angry that things weren’t easy. But I was not ready to figure out what to do next. I still had time. I wasn’t ready to trust another agency. I wasn’t ready to jump into the icy, cold water.

This weekend Eli and I were sitting in our kitchen talking about what to do next (adoption is always a part of our discussions in some fashion or form). And I don’t exactly have an answer for you on that one. But what I do know, and what I realized, is that I know that I don’t ever want to act out of desperation, but I also don’t want to stall out of fear. I know that I can take that next step. Bit by bit we’re starting to figure out where we will go next. We are making progress and are pretty sure of our next move. The next step is a little scary. I’m a little anxious. And I’m not quite sure how it will turn out. It’s hard to jump when that’s what you’re jumping into–uncertainty.

So what do I plan to do? I plan to take a calculated leap of faith. What is that you ask? It’s weighing our decisions. It’s looking before we leap, and then jumping with wisdom, grit, perspective, and a whole lot of faith.

~Chelsea