Eli: “What’s that?”

Chelsea: “You need to keep your eyes on the road!”

Eli: “They are on the road; you know I just like to gawk and see new things.”

Eli: “Did you see that bird? I’ve never seen that one before. How about that tree? That looks like a new one.”

Chelsea: “I only care because I know you do.”

Eli: “So what should we do for our adoption?”

Chelsea:“I don’t know; we have so many choices.”

Both in unison: “We should really figure that out soon.”

Eli: “The History in Charleston is absolutely amazing. Can you even believe how old some of these buildings are and the history that is involved in them?”  

Chelsea: “The south is so cool, but they just don’t have cheese like we do.”

Both at various times: “Could you imagine if we adopted a child who was African American and traveling to the south? What would that even look like? Would we have to do things differently? There really is a lot of slave history in the south; are we prepared to deal with how to handle that?”

The point is that adoption is never far from our minds…ever. Although we take vacations and relax we are always thinking of adoption. As we should be. There are those things in our lives that are constantly on our minds. Adoption to us isn’t unique in that aspect. It is just our thing; like you have yours that you think about on a consistent basis. It is incredible how one can take a “break” from their normal lives but still remain laser focused on certain things. Again, for us that is adoption. It takes center stage. Even when it’s on the proverbial “back burner” it is still in the forefront of our minds and the tips of our tongues. You see, we relate a lot of our future experiences around “what would this be like with kids?” Just the same as many “expectant parents” do, no matter what stage that expectancy is in. The difference is that for us it is going to look different. It looks different for many, again not unique in this, but the unique part is that it isn’t “normal.” And that’s okay.   For most couples the “future planning” part comes when you are pregnant and lasts for the next nine months until your child is born. For some it’s planning before that and a long time before she gets pregnant, and you continue to plan. For others yet it is a trying, wanting and desire to get pregnant all while planning your lives with your future child that never happens. For others still it is planning, getting pregnant miscarrying (in our case twice) and trying to decide what to do. Making the decision to adopt and planning what your family will look like, and waiting, and then deciding again where to go next and continuing to plan what your family will look like.

You see, this is why it is never far from our mind, thoughts, lips, conversations. Whether on vacation or sitting at home by the fire. We think about it, we dwell on it, we try to decide what next and how. That’s okay, it’s just our story.

~ Eli

I don’t have a cutesy theme for this blog post, but I’ve got that itch tonight that I have to write. I’m sitting on my couch while Eli cooks, watching more March Madness and listening to the crackling of a fire. This should be a nice cozy night. And don’t get me wrong. In a lot of ways it is. But tonight, my skin seems to be crawling just a little. I’m unsettled and slightly agitated. I’m sure for various reasons you’ve all been here.

This is a feeling I’ve slowly but surely started to get used to. Do you know what it is?

Uncertainty. I’m sure many of you have been curious where we are heading next on our path to grow our family through adoption. I wish I had an answer for myself, let alone you. I just don’t know right now. As a matter of fact, I don’t really even have a clue. It’s not for a lack of trying. This can be a hard place to sit in.

Eli is so good at just going along for the ride. Don’t get me wrong, the wait and uncertainty for him is difficult too, but he is unwavering. He knows we will make decisions when we need to, and he is confident that those decisions will be just right. Eli’s faith and confidence are just a few of the many qualities I love about him.

I’m 100% confident that we are supposed to adopt. I’m 100% confident that we are right where we should be, even if the feeling of uncertainty is uncomfortable. I’ve grown used to some of that, but it still can be upsetting at times. I’m a planner. I like to know where I’m heading and how I’m going to get there. However, I’m realizing that this just isn’t going to be the case for our journey, and that’s okay. I can feel unsettled by it, but I’ll keep trucking along.

Uncertainty is hard. You want to know the funny thing…as I wrote this post I was even uncertain of what to write about. What’s ironic is that we can be so uncertain about things that we are so sure about. How’s that for simplex?

 

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The decent into madness is upon us. March Madness…if you had no previous knowledge it sounds like the worst case of spring fever you have ever heard of. It’s not. It’s that time of year when we make sure we have a good view for the games, all of the snacks we can ask for, and our brackets filled out and entered. It has turned into something that everyone can get involved in regardless of age or gender. Even Chelsea fills out a bracket, granted based on what team has a better mascot (just kidding, full disclosure she beat me last year) and she sits on the edge of her seat waiting for that upset. I can remember as a kid getting scolded for gambling in study hall as I combed over my bracket and counted the ensuing scores that came in.

It was almost a full year ago that we were getting ready for an adoption party at camp during March Madness (thanks Brian and Tammy for an amazing party). I remember talking about it, before we decided we wanted one, being totally clueless about what to do or even whether or not to have one. We wanted something different. Microbrew was a must, education was a must, and a celebration with friends was a must. But it’s still different. You see, we know our circumstance was and is different. It wasn’t a baby shower; we didn’t want it to be a baby shower. But we made the decision to expand our family through adoption–eventually, hopefully, God willing. That should be celebrated. We decided we wanted to do something–even if it is awkward for people — shoot, it’s even a little awkward for me, or at least was, not so much anymore. Sounds simple; we do the home study, wait, have an adoption party because we are going to have a baby in a year, and wait again, bring home a beautiful little baby. How many of you thought that same thing? It’s okay if you did. (Told you we would keep it real)   Sounds simple…not so much.

This is the part of the blog that continues to keep it real. The adoption party was fun; it was a good time. We drank, watched basketball, and visited with friends. Everything that we wanted and… I don’t know if we would do it again. You see, I know more now than I knew then. I feel like we have had a lifetime of education as it relates to adoption in the last year. I know it isn’t true and there is ALWAYS more to learn on topic but that’s how it feels. Those lessons, hardships, happy times, ups and downs affect how we think about the past. For that matter the future too. As they should.

So if I did it over again I don’t know if I would have another party. It feels weird to me now. We don’t know how long it will be before we adopt kids. We don’t know if we will adopt siblings. We don’t know if we will even adopt a baby. I don’t know a lot of things that I thought I once did and that’s okay. It’s okay to be unsure, undecided, unknowing, unresolved, unclear. I’ll tell you what I am though, it’s unwavering. I’ve learned a little awkwardness is okay, a little not knowing is okay, and a little murkiness is acceptable. I’ve learned to embrace it, grow from it and make decisions based on it.

Brace yourself; more realness ahead. Even though I’m not sure we would have another adoption party, I am really glad we did it. We had a really good time. We needed it–Chelsea needed it. She won’t ever have a “normal” baby shower. I’ll pause to let that sink in……………………………………………………………………… that’s a big deal. Even I know that’s a big deal and we’ve discussed my level of emotional intelligence ad nauseam. How many of you make an obscenely big deal out of baby showers? You’ve seen, heard about, and experienced showers since you were young. I don’t mean being excited, that of course is fine. I mean make such a big deal of it you do so at the complete expense and neglect of everyone’s feelings and experiences. (Not that it is your intention) It’s like a wedding; imagine wanting one and never being able to have it, and then being a maid of honor ten times over. ESPECIALLY as a woman. Just remember there is still a lot of potential unknown swirling around those celebrating your big day. Baby showers might be hard for some people. They might really be needed by others. Not knowing everyone’s circumstance is fine…not really caring is not, regardless of the day.

So as I refresh my browser to catch the latest scores, March Madness means something totally different to me. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bracket filled out, and am on the edge of my seat with anticipation of an upset. It’s just that I have learned from my experiences, and the unknown. They have taught me to stay the course, accept what I cannot change, be empathetic to others and their situations and be thankful for what I have. And that is just the very tip of the iceberg (The meaning of March Madness also hopefully includes a perfect bracket).

Simplexity is real…the two coincide well with each other. But sometimes the most simplex topics can be offensive. If you took offense to any of this post it was not meant to be that way. My intention is not to offend. Irritate and agitate in order to learn and reflect is fine…I meant to do that.

~Eli

I’m 5’2”. I’m SUPER loud. I value not only my education, but also the education of others. I believe strongly in standing up for the things I believe in and for others. I feel that I am a great partner to Eli. I’ve had two miscarriages. I will be a mother through adoption not biology. These are just a few of the reasons why I am damn proud to be a woman.

Hey all you ladies out there! It’s hard being a woman sometimes, right? But how proud are you of being one? And you should be. It’s funny, isn’t it, that we live in the 21^st century and society still puts an incredible amount of pressure on being a woman. Think of the questions a woman gets:

–Are you EVER going to get married? (I mean, hey, maybe she is happy being single, or just hasn’t found the right person.)

-You don’t breastfeed? (Maybe she doesn’t want to. Maybe she doesn’t produce enough milk.)

-What do you mean you don’t want children? (Maybe that isn’t what she wants. She may and more importantly can be absolutely satisfied without children. Or maybe she wants them more than anything, and hasn’t been able to get pregnant.)

It’s funny because I’ve felt the weight of these questions without ever necessarily being asked a one of them. Eli and I waited quite some time to attempt to biologically have children. To be honest, we weren’t sure if we wanted to have children. It’s amazing at times how much that can baffle people, but we weren’t about to succumb to societal pressure. We stood firm and waited until we were ready and certain. And then we had two miscarriages. Approximately one out of about five women will experience a miscarriage, but the interesting thing is that we don’t talk about it much in our society. The real sentiment seems to be that you get past it and hope to get pregnant again. This is a lot of pressure to go through as a woman. Not only emotionally but physically as well.

I’ll never have the belly. I won’t breastfeed (Yes, I know that it’s possible even with adoptions. But nope, I’m not doing it). Heck, I may not even ever have a newborn. I put on a brave face a lot, but I’ll tell you, the pressure is hard. See, I’m not necessarily sad about not having any of these things, but I do feel the weight of being in a society that doesn’t always embrace, nor understand, that as a woman, as a person, we can and should and sometimes have to do things differently.

So on the eve of International Women’s Day, I am damn proud to be a woman.

It can be just that simplex because as Maya Angelou said, “I am a woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me.”

~Chelsea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When we first started this blog we said we would be as truthful as we can be so here it is. This isn’t a fun one to write but it is nothing less than true.

We have heard so many people who admire our relationship. We hear it all the time. You guys are great together; you are so strong, you’re tough, we can really tell that you are best friends. All of these things are true but guess what, we are normal. A normal couple just trying to survive this crazy mixed up world just like everyone else. You want a glimpse into our lives; well you’ve got it. News flash, we argue. No, it’s not “having a discussion” as our parents would lead us to believe when we were younger. It’s a real argument. It’s also not that bad. It’s not a knock down drag out sort of fight. It’s more of a “we’re not on the same page” sort of argument. So before you go and start suggesting counseling or therapy we aren’t there just yet. Not that there is anything wrong with that. And I’m sure counseling is in our family’s future.

So today was “one of those days.” You know the kind I’m talking about. Where you just aren’t on the same page and no amount of beer will get you there. You know when you are trying to say something to your significant other and they are trying to say something to you and you just don’t get each other. Same can be said about times with siblings or parents or supervisors or whomever it is you may communicate with in life.

Chelsea and I rarely (and remember you get full disclosure with me) fight. It’s true. Sometimes we get frustrated with one another but we rarely fight. And truth be told today wasn’t a fight. It was a frustration that we communicate differently. You see, I don’t really talk about feelings or anything that is considered close to a feeling. (Refer to previous post for more info) So when I try to express myself it just doesn’t come out right. Think BP’s 2010 oil spill PR bad.

A normal couple may bicker about when or if they are going to have children. Now please don’t get me wrong or think that I am making light of that discussion. That is an enormous decision and life-changing event that should be discussed, bickered about, prayed on, and navigated before jumping right in. That is a colossal decision. It’s a little more difficult in our situation though. We made that decision…a long time ago. We waited until the timing was right for us. It didn’t turn out so well. (Again see previous blog entry) We made another decision shortly after that; to adopt. That decision was/still is the right decision. Choose a route, and an agency; done. Again, didn’t go so well. Now we are stuck with an additional decision and it gets even harder. What now? Private, public, what age child?, open to special circumstances?, siblings?, how many?, race?, drug use during pregnancy?, private?, public?, foster care?, Wisconsin?, other states?, international?. The list could continue but you get the picture. It is not an easy decision. All of these things need to be talked about, discussed, pondered and decided upon. Just like the decision of whether or not and when to have children should be met with greatest of discernment, each of these things we have to decide are equally important to us. It takes time, understanding, fantastic communication, empathy, and delicate care to figure each of these out. And that makes it hard.

I know that for our family, friends and even me we just want a decision or a “here are all the answers you are looking for.” But the more I get into adoption the more I realize the answers just aren’t that easy. A conclusion my wonderful wife has come to far earlier than this. (Hence the difference in communication)

Okay so there it is. How is that for leaving you hanging? No resolution, no clear answers, no further direction. That’s just how it is…decisions like this are not to be made lightly. There isn’t anything I would say I would like to fight with my wife about, but I NEVER want to fight with her about adoption. It’s our thing; it’s where we are, it’s where we want to be. We are both passionate about it and are open to so many different things. There are lots of things that still need to be communicated about regarding our adoption. And that’s okay. We will talk about them, discuss them, and heck maybe even argue once or twice more.

Simplex enough for you?

~Eli

One of the things that I love about living in Wisconsin is that we get to fully experience four seasons. I know, I know, I must be crazy talking about that on a day when it is the first day in March and we had snow all day. In all honesty though, I truly love the seasons here in Wisconsin. Always changing, yet somehow constant in the anticipated change. Can’t this be true to the seasons throughout our lives?

A year ago today we were signed onto a private domestic agency. We were home study licensed. We had stars in our eyes and a skip in our step. Our profile had even been shown. Flash forward to now and we have cut complete ties with our agency (let me tell you, it’s like a break up), our home study has expired, and we aren’t quite sure where we are heading (although, don’t let us fool you…we have a hunch). Sounds awful, right?

Newsflash! It’s not. We can feel that our seasons are changing. Having grown up in the Midwest my entire life, I know how hard winter can be. Long, dark days. Bitter cold temperatures. Hazardous driving conditions. But for those of you who live in the Midwest, would spring be as sweet? The very first day of spring when the sun kisses your skin. The smell of wet asphalt after a warm spring rain. The very first tiny buds on the trees. The sign that Mother Earth is coming to life again. This is like our journey. Throughout our winter, which at times felt very long and very dark, we laid low. We nestled in. Hey, some may say we even hibernated (sorry to those of you who haven’t seen us in quite some time). But we are waking up. We are feeling renewed and refreshed. We are ready to head into our spring.

The seasons are always changing, but we can always count on the change. Thank God for that.

The Mamas and The Papas said it quite well, “To everything-turn, turn turn. There is a season-turn, turn, turn. And a time for every purpose under heaven.”

~Chelsea