“DNA doesn’t make a family. Love does.” This was a quote that early on in our adoption story I was quite fond of, embarrassingly. I mean at one point I even entertained getting a “Paper pregnant” t-shirt, again embarrassing. Boy, has education, experience, and listening changed my views on things. People say hindsight is 20/20, but that just means you can see things, or in this case, experiences how they should appear. I feel like our adoption journey has given us 15/15 vision…not only are we able to see it but with every step of our journey it is increasingly becoming more clear. What’s your vision when you hear about adoption—about Eli and my adoption journey? By no means do we expect your vision to be 15/15. In the last 16 months Eli and I have had “adoption” Lasik. As our friends and family, you are along this adoption journey with us. Don’t worry, we don’t expect you to go under the laser any time soon, but a routine “adoption vision” screening may be helpful.

We understand as our friends and family that broaching the topic of adoption with us, or other HAPS (hopeful adoptive parents), can feel awkward, prying, weird, uncomfortable, or almost sad. You may want to help, but not know what to say or how to say it. Please know, we understand and can appreciate how uncomfortable this can be. We are so incredibly blessed to have such fantastic friends and family, so Eli and I felt it was important to share ways, approaches, and information to help “frame” adoption conversations or questions in a way you can feel more comfortable with.

1. Don’t steer away from a conversation that may be a little difficult

We understand that our situation and way of building our family is different. We also are well aware that with differences come curiosity, questions, and conversation. We welcome this. We know that on your end it can be incredibly awkward to bring something up, but for us, it’s a lot more awkward knowing that people have questions or curiosities but just are too bashful or worried about offending to ask or talk about them. I had a great conversation the other day with a very good friend who wasn’t afraid to ask a question. We were talking about the ups and downs lately in our adoption journey and this friend asked me to not be offended, and then inquired about the fact that I’ve had two miscarriages and would I consider the biological route again. This was a great question that I was more than happy to answer. Remember…if you’ve got the question, the likelihood that Eli and I have already thought about it, chewed on it, and analyzed it to death is quite high. Your questions are not going to make us angry, and quite frankly, if it’s something we’re not willing to talk about, we will say just that. Conversation and dialogue is where learning takes place. We are proud of our adoption journey and therefore happy to talk about the good, bad, and ugly.

2. “I bet now that you’re adopting you’ll get pregnant” is not a helpful line

Now, if you’ve said something like this, please don’t worry. This is a phrase that many hopeful adoptive parents have heard quite often. However, it’s just not true. Yes, some people do happen to get pregnant when they adopt or pursue adoption, but honestly, for the most part, it’s pure coincidence as far as my research goes. Now, speaking for Eli and I personally, getting pregnant has not been a problem. As a hopeful adoptive parent, when I hear someone say something like this it sounds like, “Yay, that’s great you’re adopting, but I bet you really wish you could still have biological children.” It takes away from my news. This is how simplex things can be—I can be sad over having two miscarriages but incredibly joyous that I am building our family through adoption. Adoption is our choice, our path, what we are doing.

3. Don’t let adoption be the pink elephant in the room

Adoption is a huge part of our lives. We talk about it, think about it, read about it all the time, much like a family who is biologically having and preparing for a baby. We know that I don’t have the growing belly, glowing mom look, but we do want to talk about it. Don’t worry if you’re not sure what to say. Start off easy just like you would with anyone else. Would you like to have a lot of children? What are you most excited about? Are you nervous about anything? Boy or girl?

4. We need you

You may wonder sometimes where you fit into this whole equation. We desperately need our friends and family. You’re who we can lean on when we both feel tired. Many of you are wonderful with letting us know that you are there and that all we need to do is ask for help if we need it, but sometimes we don’t know what to ask or, believe it or not, aren’t sure how to start the conversation (ironic, right?). I remember in the last two months venting to a friend via text, and she just texted, “I’m sorry. I just wish things would go your way for once.” This meant the world. It was nothing earth shattering. She didn’t fix all the problems or hurdles we were facing, but she validated what I was feeling.

I’ve come a long way from the crazy quotes and embarrassing t-shirts. With every article, conversation, and experience our “adoption vision” is getting better and better. Maybe we’ll get 10/10. Eli and I are so blessed to have such loving family and friends in our lives. We are excited to continue to talk, learn, and grow through this journey with you all by our sides.

 

~Chelsea