The last two months have been rough. I know, nothing new there. Quite frankly the last two years have been trying (please don’t feel “sorry” or “bad”, we know the journey is for a reason). The other day I told Eli that I couldn’t quite figure out what was bothering me about this upcoming holiday season. I talked to him about the last few months, the holidays, the loss, and the loneliness. He listened, acknowledged, and cared like he always does; truly he is my rock. He let’s me work through my stuff. And then I came to an epiphany. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have any resolve. There was no quick resolution on the horizon to how I was, am, and will be feeling. And let’s be honest, for someone who is a self-professed control freak, this was hard.

Resolution is what helps people work through problems. An end result. A reason. A process. And through the past, I could always figure out or work through the resolution. Still confusing? Let’s look at the last couple of years. In 2014-2015, I had two miscarriages in less than a year. Eli and I had planned and waiting until we were ready and then had two miscarriages. Adoption was not a resolution, but was a path that we knew that we needed to take, which in itself became a sort of resolution. We always knew we would adopt. It was just a matter of when, and two miscarriages and perspective helped us with the when. Then 2015-2016 led us to our adoption process. The resolution? Choosing the type of adoption, the agency, researching, and educating ourselves. We couldn’t get enough of it.

We are heading into 2017, and I have no answers. You want to know the completely weird and simplex thing? I know that’s right where I should be. And I HATE it. I want all of the answers…the path to resolution. And I am struggling. But the struggle is where we grow. Our future as hopeful adoptive parents is not certain, and you know what? Our future child/children’s path to us isn’t either. This is not lost on me. I know that the path I am taking, that Eli is taking, will help us be better parents.

So, our 2017 resolutions, my 2017 resolutions:

• To study, learn, research trauma and therapeutic parenting
• To come to terms that my family may not “look” like everyone else’s
• To let go of control (boy, this is a hard one)
• To trust that He knows our path and will be there every step of the way
• Continued faith (This has never waivered through this process, which is amazing to me. It just continues to grow.)

The definition of resolution is the firm decision to do or not to do something. I choose to continue to do something. After the last few years, I know it’s not as simple as it seems, but nothing ever is.

~Chelsea