As I sit here and type this, another bustling family Christmas surrounds me. I think back over the course of this last year, and I am amazed at just how far we’ve come. The last year has been difficult, but we have also learned so much. There are so many things I am grateful and thankful for as I enter into 2017.

Our last year in review:

• Our first home study was finalized
• Our adoption profile was shown to two expectant mothers
• We’ve read, absorbed, and taken in as much adoption education as possible
• We took a road trip down to Nashville, Tennessee and Birmingham, Alabama
• I started to work on my Master’s degree (it will be a slow process)
• Eli took another one of his amazing canoe trips up in Canada (it was a walleye jackpot!)
• Our faith has strengthened and grown beyond our wildest dreams
• We are closer than we ever thought we could be

On this eve of the New Year I’m feeling many different emotions and feelings. I’d love to try to describe exactly what I am feeling, but it’s hard to put it into words. It’s a lot of excitement, gratitude, a tinge of sadness, but hope for what is to come. Here is to a wonderful, hopeful, and simplex 2017. Happy New Years to all!

~Chelsea

The last two months have been rough. I know, nothing new there. Quite frankly the last two years have been trying (please don’t feel “sorry” or “bad”, we know the journey is for a reason). The other day I told Eli that I couldn’t quite figure out what was bothering me about this upcoming holiday season. I talked to him about the last few months, the holidays, the loss, and the loneliness. He listened, acknowledged, and cared like he always does; truly he is my rock. He let’s me work through my stuff. And then I came to an epiphany. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have any resolve. There was no quick resolution on the horizon to how I was, am, and will be feeling. And let’s be honest, for someone who is a self-professed control freak, this was hard.

Resolution is what helps people work through problems. An end result. A reason. A process. And through the past, I could always figure out or work through the resolution. Still confusing? Let’s look at the last couple of years. In 2014-2015, I had two miscarriages in less than a year. Eli and I had planned and waiting until we were ready and then had two miscarriages. Adoption was not a resolution, but was a path that we knew that we needed to take, which in itself became a sort of resolution. We always knew we would adopt. It was just a matter of when, and two miscarriages and perspective helped us with the when. Then 2015-2016 led us to our adoption process. The resolution? Choosing the type of adoption, the agency, researching, and educating ourselves. We couldn’t get enough of it.

We are heading into 2017, and I have no answers. You want to know the completely weird and simplex thing? I know that’s right where I should be. And I HATE it. I want all of the answers…the path to resolution. And I am struggling. But the struggle is where we grow. Our future as hopeful adoptive parents is not certain, and you know what? Our future child/children’s path to us isn’t either. This is not lost on me. I know that the path I am taking, that Eli is taking, will help us be better parents.

So, our 2017 resolutions, my 2017 resolutions:

• To study, learn, research trauma and therapeutic parenting
• To come to terms that my family may not “look” like everyone else’s
• To let go of control (boy, this is a hard one)
• To trust that He knows our path and will be there every step of the way
• Continued faith (This has never waivered through this process, which is amazing to me. It just continues to grow.)

The definition of resolution is the firm decision to do or not to do something. I choose to continue to do something. After the last few years, I know it’s not as simple as it seems, but nothing ever is.

~Chelsea

We’ve become hermits. You haven’t heard from us. You’ve asked to get together. We haven’t called or texted. We are sorry. We haven’t been the greatest friends or in some cases family members. Please know, it’s not you, it’s us.

In the last month or so, intentionally and unintentionally, Eli and I have become quite insular. We’ve nestled in and have kind of shut out the rest of the world. We know it’s selfish, and please know that we don’t want to be, but there is a purpose.

There is, in our opinion, very little that we feel that we have control of right now, and currently we are in a state of coping. Many HAPs (hopeful adoptive parents) will at times feel this way, especially as time goes on during the waiting period. We can’t control the wait. We can’t control how people respond, the comments, the lack of comments, how we feel, the holidays, the lack of kids in our personal family (we have lots in the rest of our lives), etc. So we, Eli and I, try to cope. Normally we are busy bodies. We LOVE to socialize…to be out and about. But right now, especially during the holidays, we know that we need to nurture our relationship, nurture how we are feeling, and where we are. Although it sounds sad, and at times we feel that way, it’s a part of our process. Very much like nesting, pregnancy brain, and heavy emotions are part of biologically having a baby.

I know that at times our story sounds sad. Please know that it isn’t. I know at times that the waiting sounds sad. It can be, but we know it’s worth it. This is our path. We are being made strong. Our relationship is strong, and we know it’s for a purpose.

So please know, we are still here. We aren’t ignoring. We love you all. Just know that as we nestle in at home right now, we are gearing ourselves up to venture into 2017. We are excited to touch base with friends, to catch up, and to reconnect. Taking care of yourself can seem so simple, but it’s more complicated than you think. Miss and love you all! Merry Christmas!

~Chelsea and Eli

Ever have a hang nail? You know, that little bit of nail and skin that gets caught on EVERYTHING. They aren’t anything big or excruciating, but by golly they are frustrating and annoyingly painful. You know if you cut it away or stop picking it will eventually go away.

Our adoption path has been one that has been wrought with waiting, decisions, and right now a lack of direction. We’ve gotten used to this and in certain aspects are completely okay with it, but it’s funny how the trials of this process start to leak into other aspects of our lives. For example, a few weeks ago Eli and I had a really tough day regarding where to go next in our pursuit to adopt a child or children. We had received some pretty harsh news and just weren’t sure where to go next. We were both really upset, but oddly enough, quite calm. We decided it might be nice to go out to a nice dinner, process what we had just heard, and start to figure out where we wanted to go next. Eli was great the entire ride to the restaurant. He really has a way of comforting me and letting me know that everything will be okay. He noticed on the ride that his cell phone was almost dead and asked me to plug it into the charger. His phone has been having issues charging lately and this time was no different, and guess what? As calm as Eli had been over a topic that is life changing, he was not calm at all about his cell phone not charging. He was REALLY upset, and I’m pretty sure that cell phone would have ended up out the window, but Eli does not like to litter or spend money he doesn’t have to. It took everything in me to not start laughing.

See this experience has had a way of amplifying little things that normally wouldn’t bother us, but at the very same time, also helping us recognize that it’s important not to sweat the small stuff. Complicated, right? We think so too. We feel so fortunate in so many ways. We have an incredible relationship and are each other’s very best friend. We have our health, strong faith, a warm home, plenty of food, and great friends and family. Things could always be worse and we really, truly understand that. But at the very same time, some of life’s little blows are a little more difficult to handle—a cell phone that won’t charge (I don’t think I would have lost it over that, ha!), a comment that strikes a chord, or just a task that feels a lot harder than it should. Everything in our life lately seems to be intensified, like looking at the world through a magnifying glass—something that is quite simple can suddenly look quite complex. This can be perceived as somewhat of a nuisance or as an amazing gift of altering our perspectives.

~Chelsea

Anytime someone ventures into new territory there is a lot to learn. Crazy acronyms, new jargon, and not every day language. As Eli and I started researching adoption, even before getting into contact with an agency, we learned about the different types of adoption and what would work for us. Now as we’ve continued down this road, we’ve learned so much more about how adoption works in the state of Wisconsin.

• There are many different types of adoption.
  • DIA: Domestic Infant Adoption-typically takes place within a private agency. This is where an expectant mother is matched with a hopeful adoptive parent(s)
  • Private Adoption: this can be where hopeful adoptive parent(s) and a birth mother match with each other on their own or through social media, networking, etc.. This can be a family member or members adopting someone within their extended family. This could be a stepparent adopting a child.
  • International Adoption: child or children who are adopted from another country by hopeful adoptive parent(s)
  • Adoption out of foster care: a child or children who is currently in foster placement may be adopted after parental rights are terminated (voluntarily or involuntarily).
• Foster parenting is NOT a type of adoption or necessarily a means to adopt
  • The end goal of foster care placement is reunification with a child or children’s birth/biological family.
• There can be and will be some sense of loss in all parts of the adoption triad: birth parents, child who is adopted, as well as adoptive parents
• Adoption rules, regulations, and laws vary from state to state. The foster care system is individual to each state.
• Home studies (the paper work, observations, meetings to qualify and license someone to adopt) varies based on the type of adoption one is pursuing
• With DIA (domestic infant adoption) there really is no such thing or it is very rare to have a “closed” adoption. There are many things that have contributed to this:
  • The rise in social media
  • Research that shows the positive outcomes for all involved in having an open adoption
• Open adoption: some contact with a child’s birth parent(s)
  • This does not mean co-parenting
  • May be picture updates, letters, face to face meetings
  • Varies in each adoption
  • In the state of Wisconsin, there is no law or legality that forces openness, but it is agreed upon before adoption occurs and revisited as deemed necessary for the betterment of the child. It’s in good faith for the adoptive parents to uphold the agreement made. This can be a very scary thing for birth parents.
• Made for TV movies seldom do a very good job of depicting what adoption looks like

Believe it or not this is just the simple part of learning about adoption. Eli and I have been pursuing domestic infant adoption for over a year now, but the complicated part is this may not be where our story takes us. Our learning is quite simplex and is just beginning.

~Chelsea

The adoption process, our process, has been an interesting one. It’s a mix of educating (ourselves and others), high emotions, long waiting, and biding time. Being the nerdy English teacher that I am (please don’t make that a reason to judge the writing, ha!), I really wanted to try out starting a blog. And what better topic than the thing that has consumed our life and will consume, in the best way possible, the rest of our lives—adoption. Hence, where and how our blog was born.

The last 16 months have been eye opening (I know, I’ve told you that already), and it has left us in a whirlwind. As we’ve devoured and immersed ourselves in every bit of adoption information we can, it gets hard to sort that information out to share with others. We had a few goals/hopes to attain through starting this blog:

• To educate others about our process, and give them a perspective of what we are experiencing through our eyes. We know it can kind of be a downer (especially lately), but it’s honest. That’s where we are right now. We can’t wait, I’m sure you can’t either, when our blog, our experience, has that cheery sound to it. We know it’s coming, but at times we are growing impatient and the blog gives us an outlet for the tough times and a megaphone for the joyous ones.
• To give our story, our journey, our voice. I love having the ability to write with strong emotion, or a snarky undertone if I feel like it. I can completely inject my personality and emotions into what we are experiencing through writing.
• To solidy and concretely mark this process that we are going through. What a beautiful gift that will be. To be able to look back at this incredible, sometimes bumpy road that will lead us to the most amazing thing in the world—our future family with a child or children.

Our blog has given us solace in the fidgety moments where we don’t know what to do or where to go next. It’s offered us a sounding board when we don’t know how or where to start in asking for support from family and friends.   Writing is so multi-faceted, so simplex. It’s cathartic, an outlet, a way to educate, and a means to empower. So blessed to write this blog.

~Chelsea

Alright let’s just get this out of the way immediately.  There is only one thing I want for Christmas this year, and it’s not my two front teeth.  Can you guess what it is?  It can be little or big.  It can be loud or it can be quiet.  It can be sure or unsure of itself at times.

I bet you guessed it already.  It’s DIRECTION!  With a capital D.

J.R.R. Tolkien said, “Not all who wander are lost.”  I love me some Tolkien, but guess what, I am wandering, and I feel pretty lost right now.  Notice I didn’t say wavering. I said wandering-huge difference there. My resolve has never been stronger that adoption is the right choice.

You see, I have a purpose, but I need a direction.  I know adoption is my purpose.  I couldn’t be surer that this is the right choice.  I know I need that in my life.  We are open to so much and maybe that’s the problem.  Whatever adoption looks like in our lives, we are open to it all- whether that’s a private agency, public agency, older child, an infant, siblings, and different ethnicities.  Maybe that openness leads to a lack of direction…but isn’t the ability to love any child who will eventually be ours a good thing?  How is that for simplexity?

So maybe I’m searching too hard.  Maybe I’m looking to find a unique, profound and tangible direction we are supposed to go in.  Maybe that will never happen.  Maybe it’s possible I need to change my way of thinking of things and instead seek to discover the area of adoption that makes me feel most alive and is the right path for us.   Something that makes me feel like things are moving forward.  I just want the direction to become clear.  I am struggling with knowing exactly what route to go down.  There are just so many choices and all of those have the potential of being the right choice. It’s probably a feeling that I’m searching for.  I’m just unaware if that feeling will be crystal clear for us. The realization of this thought seems like a tough pill to swallow.  How does that happen in one’s life?  How do I work towards a tangible goal using a feeling to get there?

There are a lot of great quotes out there about direction in one’s life: “Follow your bliss”, “Wherever you go there you are” (okay that one is just dumb), “Our thoughts create our reality-where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go” Unfortunately none of them seem apply to me.  It’s just more complex than that…

~Eli

A Christmas Story, too much food and sweets, new pajamas, great family and friends, and the Savior’s birthday. The holidays are such a simple and fun time. But wait, they can be pretty complicated and complex, too, right?

Eli and I love the holidays. Eli particularly. He loves the hustle and bustle, the decorations, the time for giving. Sharing our love. Sharing in the Christmas spirit. We love this time and so do so many people. The interesting thing as we venture down the road of adoption is how the very times that we adore can become so hard. Sounds weird, huh?

This is the holidays through the eyes of us as hopeful adoptive parents (HAPs). During the first year of waiting, the holidays mark the time that we will most definitely have our forever family (this is exactly what we thought last year—that 2016 would bring us our forever family). We picture what the holidays will look like with our “new” family. And when that time comes, and there is no “new” family it becomes another loss. Another deadline that has been missed.

But that’s not all. It’s also such a wonderful and beautiful time of sharing. A time for people to share the things they are grateful and excited for. It is a time to show off your beautiful family in holiday photos. A time to announce the gender of that beautiful baby you’ve been carrying. A time to announce a pregnancy that you couldn’t be more thrilled for. And we love hearing those announcements. We love hearing about those things, and we want to be present for all the excitement and things you feel blessed for during this great season of giving. However, it becomes a constant reminder of what we’re waiting for. Patiently. Hopefully.

And knowing that even when we are so graciously granted the amazing opportunity to raise a child that was given birth by another woman, our family will always be different. There will always be a certain amount of loss there. Not just for us but for the entire adoption triad (adoptive parents, child, and birth family). This profound loss for all involved is really exemplified during the holiday season. A time where we reflect on the things we are so grateful for and look forward to the new year.

So as Eli and I partake in the holiday festivities this year, we do so with a much different perspective. The holidays are a little more difficult. We are a little more fragile. But we are more grateful and truly blessed than ever before. Patience, humility and grace are difficult lessons to learn but we are learning each and every day.

Merry Christmas. Such a simple phrase, but the meaning and emotions behind are much more complex.