I like planning ahead. I really like color-coding, primarily at work. I LOVE my planner. I like things having a spot, and I thrive on knowing what comes next. Hello, my name is Chelsea, and I’m a bit of a control freak. Big surprise there for those of you that know me, right?

At the start of our adoption process Eli and I decided that we would take control of the things that thought we had control of. In August of 2015 we chose our agency. Within a month we had already completed our first two interviews. Within another 30 days or so we had completed all of our paperwork. By November we had our home study scheduled, and it was done before Thanksgiving. I knew there would be a wait and things that were out of our hands, but I kept in mind that there were still things I could control. I read, researched, talked about adoption, had a celebratory home study completion party, then an adoption party. I spread the word. I researched different types of adoption. I controlled what I could. I took control of what I could. And you know what? Just recently, well over a year into this process, I finally had a revelation. I have absolutely no control. None. Nada. Zilch.

I am not in control. Wake up call, Chelsea! This has been a tough pill to swallow. I don’t have a vision of exactly what my future looks like. I don’t have a solution to the difficulties that we are facing right now. I don’t have control. But right now I’m ready to embrace that.

Eli introduced me to canoeing way, way, way up in northern Canada early on into our marriage. I remember the first time he took me on a trip. I felt completely and totally out of control. And at first I fought it, but how hard can you fight it when you are in the middle of nowhere for seven days? Once I embraced it my eyes were opened. I could let go of that control I so desperately wanted, and let someone take the reigns. And that’s just what I did. The experience grounded me.

It’s as simple as wanting to be in control but as complex as recognizing a want isn’t always a need.

What makes us happy?  Is happiness that feeling of putting on fresh clothes out of the dryer?  Is it peeling a clementine in one peel?  How about that first day in spring you don’t have to wear a jacket or being done with opposite street winter parking, ugh?!

This Thanksgiving season I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness.  Happiness and joy.  I am so thankful for the things in life that bring me joy.  I mean true happiness, not the fleeting kind.  The happiness that my wife brings me when after 15 years I still discover new things about her.  That mind and mood altering feeling you get when you realize you get to grow old with your best friend in the world.  My little brothers and family brings me that kind of happiness too.  God brings great joy into my life.  Even though we can’t always see His plan.  Now, don’t get me wrong all of the above things can be frustrating too!  But we all know that the good in these instances far outweighs the bad.

Adoption makes me happy.  Not happy like watching This Is Us (although it’s a great show). Happy like I know I’m going to parent through adoption one day.  The two just aren’t comparable…it’s finding money you didn’t know was in your pocket VS marrying the love of your life.  You see…kids make me happy.  I like working with kids.  I like being around kids.  They bring me joy.  I think I am going to be a good parent.  And at the very least I know my future child will bring me joy.  Yes, I know there will be frustrating times as well.

Far too often in life we get hung up on the small things that we think will give us true happiness.  Well guess what?  They don’t.  Yeah money is nice, Facebook is fine, vacations are good, but these things won’t bring you joy.  Not pure unadulterated, lasting joy.

So my challenge for you is to take a look at your life…what brings you happiness and joy?  Is it your kids? Hug them a little tighter next time.  Is it your family?  Don’t ignore the call next time.  Is it a spouse or significant other?  Sit and talk with them like you did before the days of Facebook.

In my case one of the things that brings me happiness is adoption.  It has its ups and downs, it’s frustrating, it’s nerve-wracking, it’s weird, it’s complex, it’s heart-wrenching, sometimes people don’t understand it; hell-sometimes I don’t understand it.  But guess what, it makes me happy, it brings me joy.  I haven’t even completed the process-not even close but it gives me the type of joy that I can barely comprehend.  It’s as simple as a picture of your wife-yet as complex as the story that picture tells.

~Eli

So in our “The Back Story Part 2” post, we left off that we had chosen our agency and were pursuing domestic infant adoption. As I look back on this, it’s almost laughable to see where we started to where we are now. Flash forward a full year and a few months and we are in a totally different spot. A spot that for a little while now, I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about until I had processed it. Now, I’m starting to see that confronting it is a part of the process.

Within the last year and few months we’ve transitioned to realize that we are open to so much more than domestic infant adoption (adoption of an infant within the United States). We felt pushed and open to look into many different directions. We are still interested in adopting within the United States; however, in the past year we have entertained adopting sibling groups with ages ranging from three to eight years old. We have looked at sibling groups out of the foster care system of two and four children. We’ve look into adopting a little girl who is eight years old. This process has been eye opening.

Although we have been open to so much, we are still waiting. Patiently, and my goodness, humbly. You must learn humility and how to be humble to adopt because you will learn fast that it isn’t about you. Within the last six weeks or so, we’ve realized that we’ve kind of hit a dead end. We thought that being open to more would be much simpler, but it’s very complex (wish there was a word for that). We thought we could merely update our home study to make us eligible to foster to adopt. However, there are many factors making adoption quite complex. Adoption is down in the state of Wisconsin, our home study expires in February, and within the last year the state of Wisconsin has added new things to the home study process, which makes renewing our home study a little bit more of a process.

Where I sit, personally, right now…I’m not sure where to go. What to do? For the first time, I don’t feel a push. And that’s uncomfortable for me. I’m a doer. A control freak. I like to make things happen, and this is out of my control. So what do I plan to do? Sit in silence. Nestle in. Take close care of my heart because at times it feels so fragile. So, what do I want you to do? Please don’t look at Eli and me with pity or sadness. We don’t need that. We know this is where we should be and some of life’s lessons are hard, but I know I’m better for it, and I will be better for my future child or children. And that is who this is about. Not me, not Eli, but our future child/children.

What I’d love from you? What should Eli and I do in the meantime as we wait? Fun suggestions? Great places to eat? Ideas of what we can do to preoccupy ourselves and boost our hearts to being ready to head bravely down the rocky but well worth it road. In the comment section, please leave us ideas of things we can do to survive the wait (we’ve tried so many so far-i.e. grad school, starting the blog, etc.).

So, I’ll sit in the uncomfortableness and continue to live life because that’s what you do, right? The simplexity of our situation is not lost on me right now, but I sure plan to continue to learn from it.

~Chelsea

We are approaching our one-year mark of completing all of our paperwork for our home study (the documents and evidence you need to adopt a child/children). It has been a year and three months since we first started our journey on the road of adoption. Looking to where we were on our knowledge and awareness of adoption to where we are now has been absolutely incredible and transformative. We have learned so much through reading, talking to others who have experienced adoption within their family, and most importantly listening. Dialogue within adoption is incredibly important. Not only for adoptive parents, but for children who happen to be adopted as well. It is our story. Our future child/children’s story. And it is so important that it is not something that we are silent, awkward, or afraid to speak about.

In our experience, many people are hesitant to start conversation to quench their curiosity about adoption and our experience. We can absolutely understand how intimidating it may be to broach this subject. What we do want people to know who are supporting families/people who are adopting is that we have been asked it all, whether it be by a social worker, a stranger, an expectant mother or father (potential birth mother or father), or a close family member or friend. We would much rather be asked the question(s) rather than be asked nothing at all. We know that there isn’t a glowing mother with a proud belly to show the process we have been on, and that can be difficult, for both you and us. It makes it hard and at times awkward for people to know what and how much to ask. Please feel free to ask away. We welcome it. Although the starting of our family is not traditional, we are starting our family, and we want to share in that joy, planning, anxiety, and anticipation that goes along with that.

The road to adoption can be a long one. It can be very lonely and quite challenging at times (make no mistakes though, it’s well worth it). Please check in with us (hopeful adoptive parents-HAPs). We need it and won’t always ask for it. We know our journey is longer than most towards parenthood, so we at times question how much we should talk about it or how to talk about it.

Some common terms that may be useful as you are approaching conversations with families who are built through adoption:

• Expectant mother or father/Birth mother or father rather than real mother or father
• A child is placed rather than given up
• Mom or Dad rather than adoptive mom or dad
• Son or Daughter rather than adoptive son or daughter
• Hopeful/Potential Adoptive Parent: someone waiting to adopt a child/children

So start the conversation if you have questions or even just comments. Truly we welcome and enjoy them and it makes our journey a lot easier to endure. Starting this blog was a way for us to open that dialogue and to talk about our experiences, but please know that you are a part of that conversation as well. We are well aware that it takes a village to raise a child, and so we welcome your thoughts, ideas, and questions to help us in eventually raising ours. A true example of Simplexity–starting the conversation.

*Note: Please don’t hesitate to comment on the blog post itself. You never know who may read it, be helped by it, or may share it with others.

*WE KNOW IT’S LONG…BUT PLEASE READ*

We have been on the journey of adoption since August 2015. We finished all of our home study paper work by the end of November 2015 (we were on it). Infant domestic adoption. Our small private agency. Simple, right?

2015 to 2016. Thirty hours of paper work, eighteen hours of education, eight to twelve page autobiographies, profiles to show who we will be as parents. I thought that was the complicated part. Identifying who we were on paper. Turns out that’s the easy part. The hours of paper work, interviews, education was easy. Why? Because we knew we couldn’t wait to parent through adoption. We were hungry and ready for it.

Flash forward a full year and now we are open to a variety of ages, adoption through foster care, and so much more. Nothing has been simple, and we are sitting in a place of uncertainty of where we go next. I’ve never been more uncertain of what God’s plan is for us (we know He has one). Our only certainty is adoption. Hear that? Adoption. We are not getting pregnant and nor do we plan to (that’s not our problem anyways). What we do need is support.

Support. It’s sounds so simple, right? Stepping into your shoes, it’s anything but simple. You’re not sure what to ask or if you should ask. You want to offer hope and encouragement, but you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Today I had a friend, Maggie, say, “I keep praying that something goes your way for once.” She said this but has no clue just how much it means. She said just the right thing. I know we could have it worse. I get that we need to remain hopeful and have faith. We are stuck in a weird place of needing validation for our rough road but still needing a light to show us the hope for our future.

So, all too familiar in the times we are in right now. Our call to action, as we our in a tough spot–we need cries of support, prayers, and people to validate the tough spot we are in. Which leads us into starting a dialogue through adoption—opening up the discussion. Please don’t be afraid to offend; we will take the love and support that we can get.   It’s seems simple for us, but I’m certain it is much more simplex for all of you. More to come on that later. Please don’t worry about how you will sound leaving comments—we won’t pass judgment. Feel free to follow our blog to get email updates. It’s a start of the process.

~Chelsea

Although things may seem dark on the forefront, there is still light in the background.

I LOVE dogs! Not so much cats but dogs are great (that’s just my personal choice). They greet you when you get home wagging that tail with anticipation of a simple touch to the head. They truly are man’s (yeah and woman’s too) best friend. I never want to see a dog hurt, suffering or without a home. Adopting a dog is an admirable gesture naturally. The humane society does splendid, noble things each and every day.

Okay…so now that we’ve got that out of the way: Adopting a child is NOT the same as adopting a dog. ***Lean in close for this one*** –it isn’t even similar! When I tell you I’m adopting a child and your response is “oh that must be just like adopting a dog” I chuckle softly not because you are right but because I am polite. But guess what, you couldn’t be more wrong. As much as I love dogs they ARE NOT people…they don’t have the same feelings, emotions, and trauma that a little human may have. While the intentions are pure, even the insinuation that it is close to the same is…well, truthfully a little hurtful. The experience of being adopted is going to affect them to the very core of their being. This is someone who will hopefully grow up to do wonderful things with their lives and God willing make lasting, impactful changes in the lives of others. Can we admit that this is above and beyond being a best friend? I have a dog that is adopted and trust me the process, paperwork, emotions, and weight tied to adopting a human being just isn’t the same.

So when I tell you I’m adopting do you hear Sarah McLachlan? You shouldn’t. If you do…guess what, this just in, breaking bulletin, newsflash, it ISN’T the same. Although it seems like a simple comparison—it is indeed much more complex. Now if only there was a definition for something that seems simple but is actually complex…

~Eli

Only two miscarriages? What did the doctors say? What are you going to do?

I can distinctly remember sitting at a high top table at a local restaurant looking at Eli. We had talked about what we would do next, but neither of us had ever made a definitive statement. This was the moment we knew. By late August of 2015 we made the decision to pursue adoption. Our order of doing things is hard to understand. You may be asking what’s so hard to understand about it? I mean two people, two miscarriages, both over 30…duh! You adopt. Well, it’s a bit different for us. Adoption was ALWAYS in our cards. We didn’t pursue adoption as a last resort. We are sad that we miscarried, but we are not sad that we are adopting. At times I feel that the miscarriages have taken away from the overwhelming certainty that we are supposed to adopt. As a matter of fact, in many ways, adopting feels much more natural to us. This is a complicated concept for many to understand. As we explain our path to adoption, it is often met with, “I bet then you’ll get pregnant” or “You never know, I had a friend who…”. Our adoption path is not a tool for something greater—it is something greater.

By the end of August we had chosen our agency. A small, private agency here in Wisconsin. We signed our contract and set down on the path of infant domestic adoption. Which is where you would think we are waiting right now, but it is far more simplex than that. More to come on the simplicated path of where we are.

~Chelsea

You don’t have kids? You’ve been married how long? Don’t you ever want a family? You both would be great parents.

Eli and I have always been best friends. I mean that’s who we were when we first started dating—best friends, and that’s still who we are. After we got married in 2007, we so enjoyed being not just best friends but husband and wife. We were relatively certain that we wanted to start a family at some point in our life, but we were in no rush to start anything. We were merely enjoying our lives together. We knew that when or if we decided to expand our family, we would both be on board, and we would both have a vision for what our family would look like.

Adoption was never out of the realm of possibility. I had always thought of adoption as a way to add to my family. Being a teacher and a daughter of two social workers led me to love all children, biologically or by other means. Eli, having two brothers through adoption, knew that journey and love, and had always intended and wanted to somehow expand our family through adoption. The real question was whether or not we would expand our family biologically.

We decided to take a leap and try to add to our family biologically. By November 2014 we had our first miscarriage. According to many sites a 1 out of 4 chance, right? Devastating and at times lonely, but we pushed forward. By May 2015, only a day after my grandmother’s funeral, I found out I was pregnant again. It was difficult to not be scared, but we knew it was out of our hands. We did the blood tests, two ultrasounds, prenatal vitamins, all the stuff you do as you’re expecting. A day after picking up some used baby stuff from a friend, we realized that we were facing the possibility of a second miscarriage at my tenth week of pregnancy. This was confirmed a few days later.

This was a devastating blow, but Eli and I leaned on each other. We saw the true strength of our marriage, and there is no one that I would rather have to hold me up. We took our time. We sat in silence. We grieved. And then…we continued to live life because that’s what you do. So, starting a family…simple, right? Or is it simplex?

~Chelsea